Keep Beach City Weird (episode)/Transcript

[Open Ext. Steven's House]

Steven: Pearl! *Pearl rushes outside* Help me, save me, help me! *Steven jumps onto Pearl* Saavvee meee!

(Garnet and Amethyst, who are shapeshifted into Steven, runs around Pearl while laughing)

Pearl: What on Earth? *Steven pokes Pearl's forehead*

Steven: Tag! You're it.

Pearl: Care to explain -- Ugh! -- *Pearl takes her mouth away from Stevens finger* what's going on here?

Amethyst: It's Steven Tag! Steven tagged you, now you have to turn into Steven.

Garnet: It's the rules.

Pearl: Ugh, Oh, please.

Steven: *Disappointed* Awww, no fair!

Amethyst: Sooooo, that means we're out of players. Get ready for Steven Tag, Advance!-- WUNH!

(Amethyst tries to tag Garnet, but Garnet hurls her into the air, and slams her onto the beach. Then Garnet and the gems looks over to Amethyst, laying in the crater)

Amethyst: Waaaaaah!-- Ungh....

Garnet: Garnet wins.

[Trans. Int. The Beach]

Steven: *singing* I guess I can't win every game of Steven Tag. It may be my name, but it's just not my gaaame~

Ronaldo: Stop!

(Steven peers over the rock to see that Ronaldo is wearing a military style outfit.)

Ronaldo: This is a restricted zone! Only those with special clearance may enter!

Steven: ...May, I have special clearance?

Ronaldo: Hmmmm, granted.

(Scene cuts to Ronaldo rummaging through a duffel bag and Steven with ziplock bags on his hands.)

Ronaldo: Now that you're properly suited, let's investigate! *gives Steven binoculars* See those holes? Their shape and pattern is repeated over and over. *takes picture with phone* Some might say it's a coincidence. I say there's something...more.

Steven: Like what? A double coincidence?

Ronaldo: You'd already be in the know if you followed my blog, "Keep Beach City Weird"! *shows Steven website on phone* I document all the weird thing that happen in Beach City! You can't always trust facts and books. I'm out here hunting the TRUTH!

Peedee: Oh, there you are! *runs over* Dad, wants you back at the shop! You're missing out on valuable frying time!

Ronaldo: It's WEIRD time, Peedee! I'm doing big stuff! COVER for me!

Peedee: Fine. But this is the last time, or I’m telling Dad.*mumbles* “Big stuff”, I’ll give you "Big Stuff"...*walks off*

Ronaldo: *turns to Steven* So. You wanna get your hands really dirty? *Steven takes the ziplock bags off his hands and shows them to him* Then follow me.

Steven: Yeah!

[Trans. Int. BC Boardwalk]

(Steven and Ronaldo walk along the boardwalk)

Steven: *peering through binoculars* I can’t WAIT to find something paranormal.

Ronaldo: *holding detection device* Shh! I’m picking up a quantum flux on the weirdometer. There. *points to red jagged rocks*

Steven: Whoaaaa, did they fall from the sky?

Ronaldo: My research suggests, they grew up from the ground.

[Trans. Ext. Big Donut]

Steven: *rushes to garbage bin covered in flower pedals* Ronaldo! Look at this! *points to flower pedals*

Ronaldo: According to an online encyclopedia in which I am a user, slash editor of, this species isn’t indigenous to this region...or this dimension! *echoes* -sion-sion-sion!

[Trans. Ext. BC Fries]

Ronaldo: We live in a strange world Steven. Stranger than most know, stranger than they care to know. Take my brother for instance, *looks over to PeeDee, who is working* He’s always getting on my case, telling me to work more. He'll never understand, but Steven, I can tell you're like me.

Steven: Yeah!

Ronaldo: I know you’re someone I can trust...

[Trans. Int. The Lighthouse]

(Steven and Ronaldo approach the Lighthouse atop the temple’s cliff)

Ronaldo: You're ready for what I've found. The cause of Beach City's paranormal activity.

Steven: Wait, what?

Ronaldo: *Leads them to the top of the lighthouse* Welcome to my Office, go that way. Welcome...to the truth! *Reveals large board with several newspaper clips and “Snake People” written in large letters*

Steven: SNAKE PEOPLE?! (frightened)

Ronaldo: Snake People, or “Sneople”, control our government at the highest levels! Look! *shows Steven a dollar* The Snake represent their hold on our country, the diamond, represents their underground mines, or their sharp teeth...the details aren’t important. They pit us mammals against each other with elections, sports and Anime message boards. We spend so much time fighting over “Dubs” or “Subs” that we miss the big picture!

Steven: *in awe* What’s that?

Ronaldo: That the world is under their control.

(Steven leaves the Lighthouse and upon doing so, is confronted by a small Garden Snake which hisses and slithers away)

Steven: AAAAAAAH! *runs off*

[Trans. Int. Steven’s House]

(Steven rushes inside, exhausted and slams the door behind him)

Pearl: Steven, don’t slam the door.

Steven: Amethyst, Pearl, we need to snake-proof the house!

Pearl: Why?

Steven: To stop the snake people!

Amethyst: Uh, Snake People? *laughs*

Steven: What’s so funny about Sneople? Look at this. *shows them a photo of the holes in the cliff from his phone*

Pearl: That must be from when we fought those drill parasites on the beach.

Steven: Wha? Well, what about this. *shows them picture of red rocks*

Amethyst: That looks like pieces of that Red Eye we blew up.

Steven: Well, what about this! *shows picture of pedals on the garbage bin*

Pearl: Oh, it’s the flowers from Rose's moss.

Steven: Is all the weird stuff that happens in Beach City because of us?

Pearl: Well, yeah, obviously.

Steven: I need some air...

[Trans. Ext. Steven’s House]

(Steven leaves for fresh air but finds Ronaldo on the beach, investigating the crater formed earlier by the gems)

Steven: Ronaldo?

Ronaldo: Steven! Did you see this crater? I think the Snake people might have left it as a sign.

Steven: *approaches apologetically* Yeah...ugh, Ronaldo?

Ronaldo: Yes, Steven?

Steven: Are you, totally sure about this “snake people” thing?

Ronaldo: Steven, are you having doubts?

Steven: Not really just...doubts. I found out that those weird holes in the cliff were just something me and the gems did.

Ronaldo: Well, okay, but those red rocks...

Steven: That was us...

Ronaldo: But, the flowers...

Steven: Us too.

Ronaldo: But, but the truth!

Steven: Maybe the truth just isn’t what you thought it was.

Ronaldo: Sure it is! Don't get hung up on these minor facts. Truth is about more than that, truth is a feeling in your gut that you know is true! Truth is searching for anything that proves you're right no matter how small, and holding on to that, no matter what.

Steven: That kinda sounds like the opposite of truth.

Ronaldo: Look! The proof! This cast will show the true face of this conspiracy. *holds up cast which looks exactly like Steven* Oh, wha-huh?

Steven: That’s probably from Steven Tag.

Ronaldo: What?! *very disappointed*

Steven: It’s a game where, when I tag one of the gems, they- *Ronaldo stops him*

Ronaldo: I'm really not at the center of anything...I'm nothing. *walks away sadly as the cast breaks*

[Trans. Int. Steven’s House]

(Steven slouches on the couch, looking at Ronaldo's blog which shows it has been shut down)

Pearl: What’s wrong, Steven?

Steven: I think I broke Ronaldo’s heart. *depressed*

Pearl: Oh, Steven. Humans just lead short, boring, insignificant lives, so they make up stories to feel like they're a part of something bigger. They want to blame all the world's problems on some single enemy they can fight, instead of a complex network of interrelated forces beyond anyone's control.

Amethyst: It’s sad, and funny.

Pearl: Don't feel bad about it, okay? It's not like he was ever going to be right. *Steven looks at a coin which has a snake emblem on it and then leaps up to leave* (washes dishes) Steven, Where are you going?

Steven: *holding costume* I'm gonna go fix Ronaldo! I'll be back in an hour.

[Trans. Ext. BC Fries]

(PeeDee peels potatoes in the back of the shop when Ronaldo comes out to take out trash)

PeeDee: Yo, Ronaldo! *Ronaldo remains silent* Ehhh, So...see anything weird lately?

Ronaldo: *Unshaven and depressed* No, everything's, normal.

(Steven approaches them in a snake costume)

Steven: ( In a snake costume)*hiss* Snake Men are real, and we’re puppeting the go’ment! *hiss*

PeeDee: Ahh!

Ronaldo: *laughs hysterically and slowly approaches him* HYAH! *hits Steven over the head with a potato, blacking him out*

[Trans. Int. Lighthouse at Night]

(Ronaldo interrogates Steven as Steven is tied to a chair in his Snake costume, PeeDee looks on, recording with a hand-held camcorder)

Ronaldo: Wakey wakey, Mr. Snakey...*uses flash light to dilate pupils* Wave forms seem typical for a twelfth dimensional being of this size, *lifts the fake arm using his flashlight* Arms appear to be, vestigial.

PeeDee: *holding camcorder* U-uh, Ronaldo? Is that, uh, one of the monster people you've been hunting?

Ronaldo: No no, not “monster” PeeDee, Snerson. It’s very scientific! But still, better safe than sorry. *offers him a potato*

PeeDee: What’s this for?

Ronaldo: For me! In case the amphibanoids turn my body into a host vessel!

PeeDee: No! *drops potato and begins to tear up*

Ronaldo: PeeDee, PeeDee, PeeeeDee, You gotta look at the big picture here! Something important is finally happening to me!

(The exterior wall suddenly breaks as the Gems reveal themselves fully armed)

Garnet: Hello.

Pearl: We know you have our Steven! *Garnet holds her back*

Amethyst: Give him up, curly! *Garnet holds her head* GRR..*barks*!

Ronaldo: *gasps* You, snake people... Hiding like cowards in your false humanoid exteriors! Steven’s got nothing to do with this, its me you want! *takes off shirt to reveal armor*

(Amethyst quickly kicks him to the ground, Ronaldo recovers and attempts to attack Pearl with a punch but is very easily blocked, causing his hand to hurt)

Ronaldo: *holding his hand and run to Pearl to punch her*AAAAAH! Aah-Aah! YOU SNONSTER! *Garnet breaks a barrel over him* AAAAH!

(The gems continue to attack while Steven wriggles free from the chair and the top of his costume)

PeeDee: Steven?! *Steven rushes over*

Ronaldo: Okay, okay. You’ve forced me to use my ultimate weapon! Stand back! Psychic Ghost Powers, Activate! *Begins to chant gibberish, the gems ready themselves but Steven steps in between them*

Steven: Everybody stop! I’m okay!

Garnet:...nice pants. *Amethyst laughs*

Ronaldo: Steven, your legs! When did they get to you?

Steven: *annoyed* Ronaldo! Its not real! *tosses down his mask* It was just me, again.

Ronaldo: That, makes no sense... *rummages through the costume while PeeDee looks on, embarrassed*

Steven: I just wanted to inspire Ronaldo to be weird again.

Ronaldo: No! It -- It just isn’t that simple! There’s got to be more to it than just, you. *Gems look away*

PeeDee: But there is more! Steven is just uh... *rummages through his papers* uh... a small piece of the puzzle! Look it this! I think its gotta be uh, level 8 beings pulling the strings.

Ronaldo: Get real, PeeDee. Level 8 beings are a worker society incapable of organization...whoa, wait a minute! *drops papers to the ground* How did I never see this before? *peers at dollar bill* I know what the diamond means...Polymorphic sentient rocks! *laughs hysterically, PeeDee, Steven and the gems sneak out of the lighthouse*

Steven: Are you sure he’ll be better like that?

PeeDee: Yeah, he’s happy, ya know?

Steven: Yeah.

[Trans. Ext. Lighthouse]

(All walk down the hill while Steven rides on Pearl’s back, Ronaldo remains on the Lighthouse)

Ronaldo: *from atop the light house* They're here to hollow out the Earth! It's part of the great Diamond Authority! They’ll take on any form, you can read all about it on my blog!

[End]