Say Uncle/Transcript

(Steven is sitting on the Beach)

Steven: Shield.

(Steven activates his bubble)

Steven: No! Not bubble, shield!

(Steven pops his bubble and throws a tantrum.)

Steven: *looks at his gem* What am I doing wrong? The gems can all summon their weapons, why can't I? Isn't there somebody who can help me?

(An earthquake starts.)

Steven: Wha...? *stands up and looks at the water*

(Steven sees dolphins circling around, creating a whirlpool)

Steven: Wha?! (A giant shell emerges from the vortex of water.)

Steven: Wha!? ...Huh? *sees a lot of crabs going to the ocean*

(Dolphins are spitting water up and the shell opens.)

(Steven sees Uncle Grandpa dressed as Rose Quartz)

Uncle Grandpa: *slowly opens his eyes dramatically*

Steven: *stares with awe*

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning!

Steven: Whoa!

Uncle Grandpa: *buried as a sand mermaid* Bravo! *clapping* This guy sure knows how to make an entrance. What do you think Mr. Dolphin?

Mr. Dolphin: *squeaks*

Steven: Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean, I LITERALLY can't believe it. *excitedly* How is this even possible?!

Uncle Grandpa: Don't worry, bro. None of this is canon. But this is. (He puts his head into a cannon and shoots it into Lars and Sadie's ship.)

Lars: Oh no-ho-ho-ho! Our shiiiiip! *on verge of dramatic tears*

Sadie: *holds on to Lars as the ship sinks with them on it*

Uncle Grandpa: *pokes Steven's stomach* Sooo, I hear your belly's being a bit of a bummer.

Steven: Yeah, I've been trying to pull my shield outta my gem all morning.

Uncle Grandpa: Hmmm...Well let's take a look-see... *clones himself and gives Steven a check-up*, You should make sure to get this thing polished at least twice a year. (He knocks on Steven's gem. Something knocks in response)

Steven: So...do you think you can help me? *Uncle Grandpa puts a tongue depressor in Steven's mouth* At least I totally wanna protect my friends.

Uncle Grandpa: Hmm.. Yup, it's the belly blues. I've definitely seen this before.

Steven: Really?!

Uncle Grandpa: I was there! - Don'tcha remember?

(Uncle Grandpa plays a flashback of "Gem Glow" with as Uncle Grandpa tries to communicate with him via his own commercial)

Uncle Grandpa: Uh whoa! Hey! It's a brand new cartoon picture show! Hey! Hey! Hi there! Hello? Hey! Good morning?

Steven: I don't remember that at all.

Uncle Grandpa: So your shield only comes out when you need to protect yourself. *scratches head*

Steven: Yeah?

Uncle Grandpa: Well then, you just need something to protect yourself FROM! Like this cool mega super awesome rocket launcher! *pulls out a rocket launcher*

Steven: Uh..Uncle Grandpa? This doesn't seem safe.. *worried*

Uncle Grandpa: Don't worry kid, I'm wearing a helmet. *shoots*

Steven: *gasps*

(A tiny rocket hits Steven in the forehead, then lands on the ground and explodes)

Uncle Grandpa: Anything?

Steven: No...

Uncle Grandpa: Then how about a bee-zooka? *pulls out a bee-zooka from Belly Bag*

(Steven runs away screaming)

Uncle Grandpa: Or a snake shooter?

(Steven runs away cautiously)

Uncle Grandpa: Or the bee-zooka again?

(Steven runs away scared)

Uncle Grandpa: Hmm...Still nothin'. *snaps finger* Oh, I know!

(Pearl walks out from the Beach House as Amethyst is seen watching Uncle Grandpa help Steven)

Pearl: Amethyst, have you seen Steven this morning?

Amethyst: Yeap. He's hanging out with some weirdo. *points to Uncle Grandpa* I think he's trying to vaporize Steven.

Pearl: *freaks out in response* Whagahaha?! STEVEN!

(BOOM)

Steven: NOOOO! Not bubble, shield! *claps away his bubble*

Uncle Grandpa: Hmmm... I would've sworn the doomtastic deathray of dastardly destruction would've worked, You wanna try the bees again?

Gems: Steven!

Pearl: What's going on?! Who is this... stranger?

Steven: He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!

(Uncle Grandpa honks his nose twice)

Amethyst: Uncle...Grandpa?

Pearl: So that would make him Greg's brother...and father?

Garnet: That would explain...a LOT. *folds arms*

Belly Bag: Thaaat's right! He's not just your Uncle Grandpa, Steven! *Uncle Grandpa pops his head out into space* He's everyone in the world's Uncle Grandpa! *The Gems' heads are also brought up to space as the Gems start to get scared* And when he comes to town,you're sure to have a fun time!

Steven: Ahahaha, we're in space!

(All of their heads return to their bodies.)

Pearl: *freaking out* O-o-oh, Gimminee?! Yahuhuhahahehehetseyahutsui, Ahu-Aaaw.. *Faints*

Amethyst: Augh! My head is on BACKWAAAAARDS! *runs away*

Garnet: *shivers* Woohoohaha...

(Uncle Grandpa fist bumps Steven)

Garnet: Gem huddle!

Pearl: Obviously, we're dealing with some super-powerful reality-warping entity.

Garnet: He could be a danger to the fabric of space itself!

Amethyst: I dunno guys! Hah, I kinda like'em!

Steven: Hey! What are you guys talkin' about?

Uncle Grandpa: *butts in* Are you forming a secret club? *Uncle Grandpa's second head joins in* Can we join too?

Gems: Augh! *jump out of huddle*

Pearl: Eh-hem, Umm... Uncle Grandpa?

Uncle Grandpa: Good morning. *waves*

Pearl: Yes, we have decided to-

Uncle Grandpa: *playing video games with Steven* Play video games?

Pearl: No.

Uncle Grandpa: *running around Steven* Run around in circles?

Pearl: *starting to get annoyed* Noo.

Uncle Grandpa: *eating a three way sub with Amethyst and Steven* Eat a three way sub?

Amethyst: Yo.

Pearl: *gets mad at Amethyst with crazed eyes* AMETHYST! Eh-hm, no, we have decided-

Garnet: That you are a danger to Steven and the planet Earth, and we MUST destroy you!

Steven: What?!

Uncle Grandpa: *worried* Bad morning!

Steven: Wait, no! You guys, don't hurt him!

(Gems summon their weapons as a title card that says: "Crystal Gems" appear)

("Run Away" title card appears)

Uncle Grandpa: Come on kid! Let's gooo!

Amethyst: *trips over "y" on title card* Whyyyyyy!?

Steven: I'm sorry, they're not usually like this!

Uncle Grandpa: Quick! Belly Bag, We need a plot hole!

Belly Bag: Sure thing, Uncle Grandpa! *releases plot hole*

Steven: Where are we?

(Hot Dog Person is seen in space yelling the soundtrack of Uncle Grandpa's theme song as Uncle Grandpa's head is seen over earth saying "Good morning" as the two enter his dimension)

Uncle Grandpa: *laughs* Now where did I put that little kid? Oh yeah! *pulls Steven out from cubby* Good morning! Oh, lemme give you a hand there.

Steven: Wow, where am I?

Uncle Grandpa: Welcome to the "U.G.R.V."

Steven: The...wha?

Uncle Grandpa: The "Uncle Grandpa Recreational Vehicle".

Steven: Oh, cool! My dad lives in a van too! Did you use to be a rockstar?

Uncle Grandpa: I'm STILL a rockstar, kid.

(A second Uncle Grandpa comes in from the back.)

Uncle Grandpa: Hey Steven! I'll give ya the tour!

Steven: Wow, it's huge! *looks around* You can fit a million vans in here!

Uncle Grandpa: *revealing 40-50 minivans* Actually, it's more like 40 or 50 vans, see?

Pizza Steve: *motorcycling towards Uncle Grandpa and Steven in his mind* Oh, Hey! It's just me, PIZZA STEVE, just the coolest and tastiest Steve, who ever lived.

Steven: Hi Pizza Steve, I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.

Pizza Steve: Stee-ven, Universe? *appears on Steven's head* Come on Uncle G, I've got two rules! No more than 40 or 50 vans, and only ONE Steve allowed. *points to self*

Uncle Grandpa: Yeah, but THIS Steven is special.

Mr. Gus: Yeah, he's a crystal gem.

Uncle Grandpa: Good mornin' Mr. Gus.

Mr. Gus: What's up Uncle Grandpa?

Steven: Wow, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?

Mr. Gus: I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse, I know ALL about the crystal gems! Come here man, check this out. *shows them his gemsona* I even made my OWN gemsona, My gem is on my tail ,and my weapon is a frying pan.

Uncle Grandpa: Nice linework Mr. Gus.

Steven: That's really cool Mr. Gus! *depressed* I wish I was as cool as your drawing.

Mr. Gus: Something wrong?

Uncle Grandpa: Steven doesn't know how to summon his shield.

Mr. Gus: You don't say? Ah, that's simple. Steven's powers are maternal. (Pizza Steve jumps off of Steven's head and vandalizes Mr. Gus's gemsona.) Control of his gem is based on emotional clarity. His shield only comes out when he's feeling extreme emotions of-*gets interrupted*

Pizza Steve: Hey, Mr. Gus,I fixed your drawing. (A poor drawing of Pizza Steve is shown across Mr. Gus's erased gemsona)

Mr. Gus: HEY! - Why didn't you do that on a new layer?! *chases Pizza Steve*

Giant Realistic Flying Tiger: *roars*

Uncle Grandpa: Oh, hi Giant Realistic Flying Tiger! You got any advice for Steven?

Giant Realistic Flying Tiger: *roars*

Uncle Grandpa: I'm not gonna tell him that. That only works on cats.

Steven: Well... Now what?

Uncle Grandpa: We just sit here until something happens.

(A giant Belly Bag attached to a giant Uncle Grandpa sucks them into Giant Belly Bag's stomach.)

Uncle Grandpa: Something happened!

Steven: Woaaaah, woaaah!

Giant Belly Bag: *licks his lips and burps* BURP!

(The Gems are seen running around in the same space looking for an exit.)

Garnet: Hoo, there's gotta be someway outta here.

Pearl: WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE! THIS IS OUR NEW HOOOME!

Garnet: Pearl, You're overreacting.

Pearl: I'M NOT OVERREACTING! *runs around crazily* WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...

Amethyst: *yawns*

Pearl: ...AAAAAAH! *crashes into over Amethyst and falls on her*

Amethyst: *asks as if annoyed by Pearl on top of her* Hey, where's Steven?

Pizza Steve: *walks in wearing Steven's clothes, a wig, and a fake plastic gem* Looking for me? PIZZA Steven Universe?

Pearl: *Pearl's head pops up big, gasps and hides behind Garnet, freaked out* That's not my baby!

Amethyst: Aaaaw, nice!

Pizza Steve: *realizes Amethyst has a taste for him* Woah, hold on! *runs away*

Amethyst: PIZZAAAA! *chases Pizza Steve*

Pizza Steve: Don't eat Pizza Steve! *whines*

Amethyst: *eats Pizza Steve* Haump, ngyom, urmgh. *swallows, pulls out Pizza Steve's undigested glasses and wears them*

Garnet: Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.

(Garnet stomps on the floor causing the Plot Hole to crack and break.) UNGH!

(Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion and Tiger are seen having a tea party along the seashore.)

Uncle Grandpa: *sighs* I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven.

Steven: It's OK, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today.

Gems: *armed* STEVEN!

Garnet: Get away from that man!

Pearl: He's a MONSTER!

Amethyst: *hissing and growling*

Steven: Hey, cut it out guys. He's down enough already. *gasps*

Uncle Grandpa: *Amethyst's whip wraps around him* Oh, good mornin'!

(The gems beat up Uncle Grandpa.)

Uncle Grandpa: *all beaten up as one of his teeth falls out* That smarts...

Gems: FINISH HIIIM!

Steven: *as a chibi* No, Don't hurt him! *jumps towards Uncle Grandpa after farting* *slow motion* STOOOOP! *his gem starts to glow*

(The Gems are surprised.)

Steven: Woaw!

(Giant Realistic Flying Tiger's jaw drops)

Steven: *faces Uncle Grandpa* I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!

Uncle Grandpa: Yay...

Pearl: Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!

Garnet: He must really care about this stranger.

Amethyst: I hope he didn't care about that pizza.... *looks at Pizza Steve's sunglasses*

Steven: Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. We've *Uncle Grandpa's ear falls off* never met anyone like *Uncle Grandpa puts his ear back on* Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. *Pearl puts hands over mouth and blushes* You have to stick up for them, and listen *Giant Realistic Flying Tiger and Lion look at each other* to what they have to say. You guys always do that for me.

Pearl: *blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry* Steven, you're right. *bursts into tears* HOW CAN I'VE BEEN SO BLIND!? I'M SO-RREEEEY! AWWWW, AWEEEE!

Amethyst: I also apologize for Pearl.

Garnet: Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.

Uncle Grandpa: Welp, I think my work here is done. Bye bye! * Uncle Grandpa's propeller hat starts spinning, bring Uncle Grandpa's head with it and hovers over Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, which pops Uncle Grandpa's body out*

Lion: *howls* Awrooooo....

Uncle Grandpa: Remember kids! Don't be afraid to be super we-e-e-eird! Steven and I have got your back. See with eyes unclouded by hate, and always remember to say...(a big "Good Morning" appears on the sky)...GOOD MORNING!

(The Gems are crying)

Uncle Grandpa: Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... *grabs a checklist revealing several other Cartoon Network protagonists* Dexter, Deedee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven...now who's next? *Clarence is shown at the bottom of the list*

[End]