Thread:JERealize/@comment-25527661-20160418011708/@comment-3483396-20160426061239

I tried to get my mind off the show multiple times since last August, but every other thing I'm a fan of is so obscure that I have no one to turn to where I live, and don't even get me started on online communities. (A lot of online people are jerks. Rather than talk me through things, they talk to each other about shows and games I don't even know exist, and some even want to start arguments with me over what I believe. I'm busy arguing with one of these users over Ovidiu Anton right now.) It made me feel like a complete outsider, and with nothing in common with anyone else at college, I'm stuck. I'm not like the conventional groups, not even the anime-lovers I used to hang out with (partly because I have never managed to watch much anime, partly because they think I have a kid's mentality and shouldn't hang around half the time), and I certainly don't bond well with other autistics. And then there's the problem with socializing in general, where it's so complicated to the point where it's discouraged.

One of my main concerns is my lack of understanding of the show, especially when it comes to fusions. I anticipated Steven's first fusion months before it happened, but... the problem was when I saw it, I became hopeless. It was nothing I expected; I had hoped that Steven becoming a fusion would give me some insight on something that up until now was completely alien. And then it got worse when we found out who else was living as a fusion... Basically, my already-weakening powers of reasoning were challenged and thwarted at that time.

On top of that is my concern for how the show will turn out as a story. I've seen and heard of many cases where shows with lots of potential were cancelled before their stories had a chance to finish, or stories were so successful that they were stretched out as an attempt to make as much money as possible and thus dilute the story. With this show barely in CN's Top 5 (if not #6, what with AT, RS, TTG, WBB, and TAWOG), and with such few episodes of this show coming out, the executives may want to take executive action and ruin the story one way or another.

(To be honest, if this show was instead a book series, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Yes, I'd have to pay more to enjoy it, and yes, I'd be frowned upon by the mainstream for collecting kids' books (trust me, I once collected Magic Tree House books up until a few years ago), but after reading books again, I thought about it: if it was in a book, instead of watching from the outside looking in, the word choice would weld you into the current of events and keep you within the story. That would be interesting to look into, but I don't have the licenses, so...)

I really have no fanbase to turn to, and am so obscure in what I am interested in that I can't be classified into mainstream or indie. I have no trust in people, real-life or online, much less any social skills to ask them simple questions, and every time I realize something about what modern people want from me, I get more and more worried and hopeless. I believe that if I live long enough, science will find out what my problem is and how to cope with it, but it's going to take decades of exhaustion, frustration, and hopelessness. Plus on top of that I'm going to graduate from college soon, which means people will expect me to work for them, which means it'll be impossible for me to have a personal life and then I'm on the fast track to oblivion.

I turned 22 years old last week. No one wants me to have a life anymore, and I have nothing left and no one to turn to. My parents were born and raised with no childhoods, my siblings share nothing in common with me, my other relatives don't want me visiting them anymore, my teachers and counselors refuse to help me and in some cases turn on me, therapy did nothing and proved to be a total waste of $250, and no one believes that someone breaking down over a television story is of any real psychological concern. Plus the recent trip to Europe ruined my ability to think even further and I started a decline in my grades since that happened (a month ago). On top of that, I have to find a way to fund myself through a university for two years starting next fall, and what with the difficulty of trying to get scholarships, I might as well play the lottery. Everything I like is frowned upon and everything that is expected of me doesn't settle well with me.

Basically, I'm dead.