So Many Birthdays/Transcript

[Open Amethyst's Room] (Steven and Gems walk through piles of random junk in Amethyst's room in search of a foul smell)

Pearl: *to Amethyst* How can you live like this?

Amethyst: It was fine 'till you guys started whining.

Pearl: Whining? The whole temple reeks!

(Steven probes garbage with a stick until he finds a wrapped tin object)

Steven: Uh, I found it!

Pearl: What matter of magical alloy is "this"? *Steven unwraps object, gas plumes out*

Garnet: It's a burrito.

Amethyst: It's the Duno Burrito from Aqua Mexican

Steven: That place closed like five years ago. *Amethyst takes a bite, Steven flinches in disgust* Huh, what's this? *looking at picture* It kinda looks like you guys and my mom.

Pearl: *exited* Oh Steven, that "is" us.

Steven: Really?

Garnet: The hard part was getting the shark to pose.

Steven: Why is everyone dressed like old timey people?

Pearl: They "are" old timey people.

Steven: Wait, but that would mean...how old are you guys?

Pearl: "Much" older than any human.

Steven: Does that mean you'll live forever?!

Pearl: No, no. We don't age, but we can still get hurt and die. *Amethyst keels over from food poisoning* But not from food poisoning.

Steven: I just can't believe you guys are like a bazillion years old! How do you find a cake big enough for that many candles? *Pearl and Garnet look confused*

Garnet: We don't really celebrate birth days.

Steven: *heavy gasp* Why not?!

Garnet: It's not our way.

Steven: Well I can't just ignore this tremesty of unjustice. I pledge that you will have your birthdays, with all the candy, cake and ice cream you've been denied. *Amethyst vomits*

[Trans. Ext. Crystal Temple] (outside, several birthday decorations are set up: A table w/ food items, balloons and a large "birthday throne" where Amethyst sits w/ a royal cape, the others sit on folding chairs and Lion plays in the background.)

Steven: *places "birthday crown" on Amethyst* And the birthday queen is, Amethyst! I hope you like it, Dad made me this outfit and it brings me special birthday luck every year. *begins to sing* ♫It might as well be your birthday, so why don't we have a party? Even if your age isn't real and your body's an illusion.♫ *notices Lion playing w/ a birthday hat, stops singing* Hey, it goes like this. *puts hat on Lion's head, Lion tries to take it off* Lion, you're killing me.

Pearl: *holding balloon* Um, Steven? I know you put a lot of effort on um, putting faces on things. But could it be that we're just a tad "mature" for this ritual?

Amethyst: *Amethyst, using a birthday hat to simulate Pearl's nose, pokes Pearl's nose* Boop.

Pearl: Gah! *chases Amethyst* You will remove that this instance!

Steven: Wait! Here. *offers Amethyst a bat w/ a ribbon on it*

Amethyst: Aw, *takes bat* I'll use it all the time *motions to hit Pearl w/ bat*

Steven: No! It's for the piñata. *holds Piñata for Amethyst to hit* The Piñata is an artifact from ancient Aqua Mexico. *Amethyst swings w/ blind fold wildly, almost hitting him* Aah! *gives the Pinata to Garnet and gets behind her*

Amethyst: *swings blindly and hitting Garnet each time* Am I *swing* Getting *swing* Close? *swing*

Garnet: Higher. *Amethyst peeks and knocks it far into the Ocean*

Amethyst: Ha, what next Steven?

Steven: Well, you were suppose to get delicious candy when you broke it open.

Amethyst: *gasp* Wait, you had candy and you didn't just give it to us?

Steven: There will be more sweet treats at Pearl's party, I promise.

[Trans. Cliff facing the Beach City] (Steven brings them to a cliff overlooking Beach City, w/ a similar setup. Steven dressed in a clown outfit and Pearl w/ the birthday outfit)

Steven: Happy Birthday! Honk. *honks nose*

Amethyst: Steven, that is a "great" look.

Steven: No, it's funny.

Pearl: How?

Steven: *begins to explain but stops* Oh geez, I'm breaking character. W-wait wait wait. I wrote some jokes *takes pages out of back pocket* Why did Pearl throw butter out the window?...

Amethyst: *looks at Pearl* You did what?

Steven: ...To see a butter "fly"!

Pearl: *hurt* I never did that. Steven, are you telling lies?

Steven: N-no. Oh, I know! Pearl, do you like pie?

Pearl:*nods* I "do" like pie.

Steven: *gets pie out of basket* Well then you're in luck, I baked you a pie. *sarcastically* I sure hope nothing happens to it.

Pearl: Yes, me too.

Steven: *intentionally trips* Whoops.

Pearl: *catches him* Woah, Steven, I've got you. Be careful, you almost fell right on that- *Steven shoves the pie in his face, gasp*

Steven: *covered in pie* See Pearl? It's funny! *laughs, Pearl hides nervously behind Garnet*

Garnet: *Pearl whispers something to Garnet* Pearl says she's all partied out and wants to go home.

Steven: This isn't going at all as it should. *takes wig off* I've got to pull out the ultimate birthday.

[Trans. empty lot near edge of Beach City] (Steven brings the gems to an empty lot w/ 3 small kiddie cars, Garnet wears the B-day outfit)

Steven: Okay, there's no way you're not gonna "love" this! *points to 3 small cars* It's kazoo racers! *holding kazoo* You get in a car, you play a kazoo *blows kazoo*, what more could you want? *holds 3 more kazoos* Dad used to do this for me "every" year.

Pearl: *anxious, whispers to Garnet* I think this is why aging makes humans die.

Garnet: Steven, thank you for the birthday parties, but I don't think we'll need anymore.

Steven: Why not?

Garnet: Our age is only an illusion, and Pearl's pretty sure this ritual is for human children.

Pearl: *remorsefully* Nothing against children.

Steven: Children? Everyone gets to have birthdays, seriously, give it a try. You're never too old.

Garnet: We're just too "big".

Steven: You're not too big. Y-y-you just get in. *attempts to get in small car* And then, uh...

Amethyst: *shift-shaped into a baby, in small war jeep* I can fit! "Which way to the baby war?" *driving* Eat tread dirt-bags!

Steven: What if birthdays "are" just for little kids? What if even "I'm" too old?

Amethyst: *drives next to him* No way! You totally fit *picks him up and attempts to shove him in* Oh, my bad, you "are" too old. *drives off and laughs*

Pearl: Are you okay?

Steven: I just need to think. *gets up but car is stuck to his behind* Kazoo racers suddenly seems undignified. *walks off*

[Trans. Time Skip- Evening, Beach City Boardwalk] (Steven walks alone in the mist)

Steven: I never realized birthdays meant leaving things behind. All these parties, so embarrassing. *Steven's gem activates, causing him to mature into a teen, sighs, in a squeaky voice* Oh Onion, so young, so innocent.

[Trans. Int. Funland Arcade]

Steven:*walks into arcade* Oh, Whacker Man Jr. *looks around nervously* Uh, I can't be seen playing a childish game like Whacker Man Jr. I better stick to sophisticated games, like regular Whacker Man. *plays Whacker Man*

Whacker Man: It's Whackin' time. You're gonna get whacked! *Steven bops the figures, chuckles*

[Trans. BC Boardwalk]

Steven: *walking on boardwalk* That was fun, but a boy at the cusp of manhood shouldn't spend his whole day whackering. *Sees Help Wanted sign on T-shirt Store* I need to take control of my life. *Gem activates, aging him into a full grown man, voice deepens* It's time, to get a real job. *enters store, looks at shirts* But which one? Surf Master? No. Love Doctor? I'm too squeamish. Ah, now "this" is the job for me. *leaves store w/ "pro. Beach Hunk" shirt* Ha, this day went so fast, I need a pick-me-up. *walks to Big Donut, gem activates*

[Trans. Int. Big Donut] (Steven enters Big Donut as a middle aged man w/ balding hair)

Steven: Two of the usual please, I've had quite a day.

Lars: Ha, you must be confused pal, I work here everyday and I've never seen your mug before.

Steven: Oh hardy har Lars. I use to make jokes, but you know what? I've had a lot of time to think today and sometimes you gotta smarten up. Because one day, if you don't, everyone you know is gonna grow up without you. And then you won't have little Steven to pick on anymore because I'll be a grown up too.

Sadie: Steven who?

Steven: *surprised* Steven Quartz Universe! And I want "that" doughnut, right there! *looks in case and sees reflection of himself as an older man* Aaah!

Sadie: Sir, are you okay?

Steven: I'm, OLD!

Lars: Yeah, and nuts.

Steven: I'm going to have to eat fiber cereal, all my teeth are gonna fall out, and then, I'll have to eat oatmeal and it'll be sugar-free! *Gem activates and ages him further* Sugar-free! I "need" to reverse this! *Sadie attempts to comfort him* I need, a reverse birthday...the king costume. *to Sadie and Lars* Will you help me into my birthday suit?

(Steven runs out of the Big Donut, Sadie chases him out with a stool)

Sadie: *holding chair above head* Yeah you better run!

[Trans. Beach] (Steven continues to run along the beach, but hurts his back doing so)

Steven: *limping* I'm, too, old, for this. *gem activates, aging him into a very old man w/ gray beard, falls over, Lion approaches him* Lion. *Lion picks him up and runs towards the temple*

[Trans. Ext. Crystal temple] (Gems picking up party decorations)

Pearl: *cleaning up decorations* You know, Steven was right, this "is" fun.

Amethyst: You don't have to keep wearing that stuff.

Garnet: *still wearing B-day outfit* It makes me feel...important.

(Lion approaches and drops the aging Steven in front of them, gems rush to him)

Pearl: Steven! *shocked* What's wrong with him?

Amethyst: He's okay, he's just really, really, really, really old.

Pearl: *tearing up* Gems can't die from aging, but he's half human.

Amethyst: Can't we fix him?

Steven: *struggling* My birthday suit, might help. *Garnet tosses b-day outfit on him, he wears it*

Amethyst: Good as new, right?

Steven: Thanks guys, but I guess this suit's all out of birthday magic. We had a good run, huh? *gem activates, aging him extremely*

Garnet: More birthdays, now. *grabs Amethyst and Pearl*

Amethyst: Check it out birthday boy.

(Amethyst transformed into a small car, Garnet rides her w/ b-day hat)

Amethyst: I'm a tiny car.

Garnet: Beep beep.

Steven: *struggling* Kids, stuff... *gem ages him further, Amethyst transforms back*

Amethyst: *transforms into a piñata* oh, Piñata time! *gem ages him even further*

Garnet: It's not working.

Amethyst: Pearl, get over here.

Pearl: I can't.

Amethyst: For Steven! *picks up Pearl in Clown costume w/ pie and drops her next to Steven*

Pearl: *tearing up* Oh, look, I have what, um, what appears to be a delicious pie. I sincerely hope nothing happens to- *sobs* Oh Steven! *shoves pie in face, sobs in pie*

Amethyst: Are you trying to kill him "faster"?!

(Pearl breaks down and sobs on Amethyst's shoulder, Garnet pushes them aside, picks up Steven and then shakes him violently)

Amethyst and Pearl: Garnet?!! *both rush over to stop her*

Pearl: What are you doing?!

Amethyst: Stop!

Garnet: *puts him down* I thought, violence, would be the answer.

(Steven's gem ages him so much he is too weak to stand and barely keep his eyes open, he witnesses hazily Pearl and Amethyst berate Garnet for her actions, all gems appear entirely distraught)

Steven: *weak* Would you guys, please *gem activates, turning him back into an adult, stronger* Control yourselves?! *gems stop and pay attention* Uh, oh no *transforms into a teen* Oh I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled. *gets a little angrier, transforms into adult* but I can't stand to see you guys freaking out like this!

Pearl: *surprised* Wha-?

Garnet: Steven you're changing!

Pearl: You're age is fluctuating, I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.

Amethyst: Steven! Stop, being, old!

Steven: *transforms into teen* But I wasted your time...*transforms into old man* We all have such little time...

All Gems: Steven!

Pearl: You have to feel like your old self! Sweet and considerate and only occasionally obnoxious!

Steven: *transforms into teen* You really think I'm all those things?

Garnet: Yes.

Amethyst: Why else would you throw us all those parties?

Steven: Oh my gosh, you're right *transforms back, to his old self* I am pretty great.

Pearl: Oh Steven! *Pearl and Amethyst rush to hug him* Steven!

Garnet: We'll work on the rest, later. *Steven pulls up his shirt to reveal he still has full grown legs, laughs nervously*

[End]