| Speaker
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Dialogue
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| [Open Int. Beach House]
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| (Steven and Connie are watching "Under the Knife" on the TV together in Steven's Room.)
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| Lady
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Doctor, it's my son. There was an accident. I-
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| Doctor
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I know what we have to do. Nurse!
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| Nurse
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Yes, Doctor?
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| Doctor
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Prep the patient for emergency surgery. We're gonna go... under the knife.
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| Connie
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*screams happily* Ugggggh! This show is so good! Aaah! Thank you so much for letting me watch "Under the Knife" here, Steven.
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| Steven
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How come you can't watch the show at home?
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| Connie
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My mom says this doesn't represent a real emergency room.
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| Nurse
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How did his legs... get into... his brain?!
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| Connie
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She just doesn't understand that it's satire.
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| (Connie's phone then begins to ring.)
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| Steven
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Is that your phone?
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| Connie
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It's probably my mom. *retrieves her phone from her purse* Called it. *puts on her glasses, clears her throat and answers the phone* Hi, Mother. It's Connie. Mm-hmm. Yes, ma'am. *looks at Steven* I'm at the home of Steven Universe. Mm-hmm. Yes, ma'am. We're—we're just hanging out. Oh... Steven's parents. They're, uh—they're in the other room. You would like to talk to Steven's mom? Oh, okay. Hold on a moment.
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| Steven
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*get worried* That's gonna be pretty hard since my mom gave up her physical form to make me.
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| Connie
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*covers her phone with her hand* I can't tell her that!
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| (Steven and Connie both run down the steps and towards Garnet, who is chilling on the couch in the living room.)
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| Steven
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Garnet, quick! You have to pretend to be my mom to Connie's mom.
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| Garnet
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*takes the phone* Hello. This... is Mom Universe. Yes. *adjusts her visor* The children are playing swords. Sorry— playing with swords. They're bleeding. Oh no, they are dead. Don't call again. *hangs up the phone and returns it to Steven* Sorry, I panicked.
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| (Steven and Connie both look shocked.)
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| [Time Skip]
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| (Steven chats over the phone with Connie while dressing a cake in his kitchen.)
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| Steven
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Aw, what do you mean, your mom won't let you come over? It's the midseason pre-finale of "Under the Knife"!
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| Connie
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*at her home* Steven, my parents are really upset. They say they will not let me see you again until they meet both of your parents in person.
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| Steven
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But that's impossible!
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| Connie
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I know, but they want both of our families to go out together for dinner.
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| Steven
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*putting cheeseballs on the cake* It sounds so... adult. I wonder if Fish Stew Pizza will take reservations for-- *counting on fingers* Pearl, Garnet, Dad, Amethyst— All eight of us.
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| Connie
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You can't bring everybody!
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| Steven
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Why not?
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| Connie
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Because... Because... I told my parents you have a nuclear family!
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| Steven
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*misinterprets and gets defensive* Nuclear?! Sure they make stuff blow up sometimes, but that's because they're magic, not radioactive!
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| Connie
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Steven, "nuclear" means two adults and their child and/or children. My parents think you live with your mother and father.
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| Steven
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*frowns* But none of that is true. You never told your mom and dad about the Crystal Gems?
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| Connie
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No, and it has to stay that way. If they find out I lied to them, they'll never let me hang out with you again.
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| (Some time passes, Steven discusses the dinner plan with the Gems while Greg struggles to put on a sweater.)
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| Steven
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*pacing in front of the Gems at the kitchen* How am I supposed to choose just one of you to bring to dinner? You're all so... cool!
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| Pearl
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*disgusted* Why does it have to be dinner? We get all the energy we need from our gems, and while our human constructs are capable of eating, I find it very uncomfortable.
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| Amethyst
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I love eating! *chuckles* Feels weird.
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| (Amethyst then munches on some chips from a bag loudly and grossly, spilling some bits onto Garnet's shoulders, which she quickly brushes off.)
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| Steven
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Okay, okay, okay. Let's focus. Which of you would make the best and most nuclear mom? Garnet, you keep us safe by scaring off the bad guys, just like a mom would. ...But you're not the best conversationalist. Amethyst, you would be a super fun mom!
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| (Amethyst is still munching on the chips, drooling from her mouth, and begins picking her nose.)
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| Steven
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Can moms be gross?
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| Amethyst
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Why not? *pulls a strand of mucus out of her nose*
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| Steven
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*walks pass Amethyst* Pearl! You're always worried about me, you teach me lots of stuff, you're approachable, and you're, like, totally not gross.
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| (Amethyst continues munching away with her nose still running, causing Pearl to cringe in disgust.)
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| Steven
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But... you can't eat dinner. *walks away sadly and sits beside Greg on the couch* Man, why did Connie have to say I have one mother instead of zero... or three?
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| Greg
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We'll figure this thing out. We just have to put our heads together.
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| Steven
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Why didn't I think of this before? It's so obvious! You can all come to dinner! All three of you, fused into one! *snaps his finger*
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| Pearl
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What?!
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| Amethyst
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Whoa!
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| Greg
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What?
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| Pearl
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Steven, you know we only fuse in deadly situations!
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| Steven
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It'd be like... like I'm actually bringing my whole family!
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| Amethyst
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That's insane.
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| Garnet
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Fusion is serious magic, not a trick for dinner parties.
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| Steven
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I know. Then I guess this is it. I'll never get to see Connie again. Oh, Connie! I'll never know a star that shines as bright as you.
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| (Steven starts to weep as the Gems all look at him in sympathy.)
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| Garnet
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*sighs* We have no choice.
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| [Trans. Ext. The Crab Shack Restaurant]
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| (Connie's family is sitting outside of the restaurant, waiting for Steven's family to arrive, while slow piano music is playing in the background.)
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| Mr. Maheswaran
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*groans in boredom*
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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We've been waiting for nearly 20 minutes.
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| (The ground starts to rumble, scaring seagulls away. Connie and her parents gasp in shock and surprise as Alexandrite arrives, with Steven and Greg on her shoulders, from over the hilltops.)
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| Mr. Maheswaran
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*frightened* Uh... Oh.
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| Steven
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Hi, Connie! Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Maheswaran!
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| (Alexandrite puts Greg and Steven on the ground.)
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| Greg
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Thanks... honeybun... ?
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| Alexandrite
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You're welcome,... Greg.
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| Greg
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I'm Greg Universe. *shakes Dr. Maheswaran's hand* And this massive drink of water is my wife, Alexandrite.
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| Alexandrite
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*awkwardly* Hiiiiii...
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| (Steven, Greg and Alexandrite sit at the table. Alexandrite then grabs all the breadsticks on the table and starts munching on them.)
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| Mr. Maheswaran
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I hope this place has unlimited breadsticks.
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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Don't be rude.
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| Alexandrite
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*keeps munching* Bleh. *sticks her tongue out, showing chewed up breadsticks*
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| Greg
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*chuckles nervously* Isn't my wife a riot?
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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So, tell me -- How did you two meet?
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| Greg
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Huh? How did we meet? Well, we, um-
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| Steven
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*stands up on his seat and interrupts* They met on a roller coaster!
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| Connie
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*mouths "What?" silently*
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| Steven
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She was too tall to ride! Heh-heh.
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| Connie
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*shakes head in disapproval*
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| Greg
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*laughs nervously* Uh, I remember it like it was yesterday. Right, honey? *places his hand on her leg and keeps laughing nervously* Eh... *whispers* Sorry.
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| Alexandrite
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*slams Greg's face onto the table* Have some more breadsticks... dear.
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| Mr. Maheswaran
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Uh... *coughs* What is it that you two do for a living, Mr. and Mrs. Universe?
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| Greg
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Well, you see, I own a local car wash, and my sweet, dear wife here uhh-
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| Steven
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*barges in again* My mom works on an apple farm!
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| Connie
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*sighs and slams her head onto the table*
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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What did we say about heads on the table?
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| Steven
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She uses all her arms to pick apples out of huge trees. *chuckles nervously*
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| Greg
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Well, you know what they say: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
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| Alexandrite
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Yes, I hate doctors.
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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Well, I'm a doctor.
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| Connie
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Steven, help me find the restroom!
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| [Trans. Int. The Crab Shack]
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| (Connie leads Steven to the restrooms, holding her hands on her head in annoyance.)
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| Steven
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Things are going pretty good so far, huh?
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| Connie
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Steven, are you kidding me?! What is this thing that you brought to dinner?!
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| Steven
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Iit's my family. It's all of the Gems, fused together into a... six-armed, giant woman.
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| Connie
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Why couldn't you just bring one of the Gems?
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| Steven
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'Cause that would be a lie. *squirts his eyes at Connie* Your... glasses.
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| Connie
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What about them?
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| Steven
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I healed your eyes. You don't even need to wear those anymore.
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| Connie
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What are you talking about?
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| Steven
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All that stuff you told your parents about my family! You're just ashamed of me!
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| Connie
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Oh, whatever, Steven. Let's just focus on getting through the evening.
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| (Connie and Steven, both now annoyed, return back to the table, when a waiter is serving food to the group.)
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| Connie
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So, Steven was telling me that on his mom's apple farm, they're bioengineering a gala-fuji hybrid.
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| Steven
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Yes, that's definitely true.
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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Isn't that right, Mrs. Universe?
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| (Alexandrite picks up a cooked shrimp with a fork, sniffs it hard and tries to eat it.)
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| Alexandrite (Pearl)
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*turns her head away from the shrimp, smooshing it on her face* What are you doing?
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| Alexandrite (Amethyst)
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*slaps her head back towards the shrimp and reveals a second mouth* I'm hungry!
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| Alexandrite (Pearl)
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*grabs the shrimp* I don't think so!
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| Alexandrite (Garnet)
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*grabs her other hands* Cut it out, you two.
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| (Alexandrite begins to fight herself, throwing an uppercut at her face and chomping her hand, as the group watches on.)
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| Steven
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Stop! You don't have to eat it!
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| (Alexandrite's face begins to crack, causing Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran to gasp in horror, as she gets up and unfuses back into Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst.)
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| Pearl
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Steven! *crawls towards him* Ohh. Thank you so much. You don't know how horrified I was when that dreck nearly fell into our mouths. Eating food is so disgusting! You chew it into nasty mush, swallow that goop, and it comes out of you? What a completely horrid experience!
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| Amethyst
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Uh, speak for yourself. Ha! I love it when mush passes through my body.
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| Garnet
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It doesn't matter what you two think. We're doing this for Steven! *summons her gauntlets and hits Pearl and Amethyst on the head*
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| Pearl & Amethyst
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Oow!
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| Mr. Maheswaran
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What is going on here? Who are they?!
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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*turns to Connie* I knew I should have trusted my bad feelings about this new friend of yours, but I never thought I wouldn't be able to trust my own daughter.
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| (Connie runs off.)
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| Steven
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Connie! *chases after her*
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| (Steven catches up to Connie at a bus stop next to the Crab Shack restaurant.)
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| Steven
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Connie.
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| Connie
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Steven, I'm so sorry. It's not that I'm ashamed of you. I was so worried that my parents would think all this magic stuff is weird. What if they don't let me hang out with you anymore? *sobs a bit*
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| Steven
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I-I'm sorry I messed everything up. I wish there was a way we could just... hang out without having to worry about stuff.
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| Connie
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Steven, let's just hop on a bus and live somewhere else without telling anyone!
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| Steven
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That's a great idea!
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| (A bus pulls up to the bus stop, and Steven and Connie board it. They sit down at the back of the bus.)
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| Steven
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Where's this bus taking us?
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| Connie
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Wherever we end up. We'll find a way to survive. I've been reading about sustainable living.
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| Steven
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Maybe it'll take us to a real apple farm!
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| Connie
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What's up with you and apples today?
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| Steven & Connie
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Huh?
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| (The ground starts to rumble. Steven and Connie looks out the back of the the bus and see Alexandrite charging towards them.)
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| Alexandrite
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STEVEEEENN!!! *roars with her second mouth*
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| Steven & Connie
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Aaaaaah!
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| Alexandrite
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*grabs the bus and picks it up off the ground* You two! Come out of that bus this instant!
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| Steven
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Aah! Okay! J-Just put the bus down first.
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| [Trans. Ext. The Crab Shack]
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| (Steven and Connie are reunited back to their respective families, as they begin to reprimand the two of them.)
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| Dr. Maheswaran
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I don't even know where to begin with you, young la-
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| Pearl
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What were you thinking, running off with Connie like that? You could have gotten yourselves hurt!
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| Garnet
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Or gotten mangled in traffic.
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| Amethyst
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Or thrown in prison.
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| Pearl
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Steven, you are in very big trouble, and we have no choice but to punish you.
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| Steven
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But-
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| Garnet
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No dinner for 1,000 years.
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| Steven
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*saddened* 1,000...?
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| Pearl
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We would never starve you, but you will lose your TV privileges... for 1,000 years.
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| Steven
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Nooo! The midseason pre-finale of "Under the Knife"! How can you do this to me?!
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| Greg
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*in disappointment* Because we love you, Steven.
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| Steven
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*groans in dismay*
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| Dr. Maheswaran
|
Wow. *approaches Greg and the Crystal Gems* That was a masterful use of the "because we love you" shutdown. I'm quite partial to the "It's for your own good!" myself.
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| Mr. Maheswaran
|
That "1,000 years of no dinner" bit, was pretty funny. *laughs*
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| Garnet
|
All comedy is derived from fear.
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| Mr. Maheswaran
|
*laughs* You are too much.
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| Dr. Maheswaran
|
I did not know what to make of the two of- Excuse me, four of you, but I see that you are responsible parents. Uh, caregivers? Guardians.
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| Connie
|
So, I can still hang out with Steven?
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| Dr. Maheswaran
|
Sure.
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| Steven
|
Alright! *runs and hugs Connie, causing her to blush*
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| (Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran grunts at the sight of Steven hugging their daughter. Mr. Mahaswaran then steps in and separates the two from the hug, as the star iris zoom in on Mr. Maheswaran's satisfied face.)
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| [END]
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