Greg Universe/Quotes

Season 1

“	[First line] *bursts out of the van* Who’s there?! I have a waffle iron! *wielding a waffle iron*	”
—"Laser Light Cannon"

“	If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs.	”
—"Laser Light Cannon"

“	It’s okay, Steven. We’ll figure out something else, something even better!	”
—"Laser Light Cannon"

“	Can't you make them go away?	”
—"Cat Fingers"

“	No, you're not! You're my son!	”
—"Cat Fingers"

“	Man, you look sad and wet. What happened to your life, little guy? Steven: I... lost something... something precious. *gasps* Your innocence?!	”
—"Onion Trade"

“	Oh my gosh, I just wanted some ice cream!	”
—"Onion Trade"

“	Hey, Pearl. Come to check out some buff studs?	”
—"Coach Steven"

“	Steven: You're bailing on Beach-a-Palooza? But the whole town's gonna be there! Steven, that's like 15 people.	”
—"Steven and the Stevens"

“	Steven: Dad, dad, fat, it's fat! Fat, fat fat! *looks at his own stomach* Rude.	”
—"Steven and the Stevens"

“	Guys, I just had the best idea for an album cover.	”
—"Ocean Gem"

“	... I just wanted to live with my son again!	”
—"House Guest"

“	No, don't give him the banana, that's what he wants.	”
—Space Race

“	Now, remember, Steven, if you run into any trouble out there, you can always bail. There's never any shame in bailing.	”
—"Space Race"

“	As CEO, I officially ground this astronaut.	”
—"Space Race"

“	Oh, this kid's killing me...	”
—"Space Race"

“	I'm Greg Universe. And this massive drink of water is my wife, Alexandrite.	”
—"Fusion Cuisine"

“	Haaa... That was impressive, my son. But the name of the game ain't distance nor accuracy. Steven: It ain't? No Steven, this challenge is all about who can spit the coolest. Allow me to demonstrate.	”
—"Watermelon Steven"

“	Congratulations, son. You win by a mile. *starts to make a crown out of a watermelon slice and puts it on Steven's head* I crown thee, Your Water-Melojesty.	”
—"Watermelon Steven"

“	Everybody likes cherries. I'm a cherry man!	”
—"Winter Forecast"

“	A responsible parent doesn't let two kids strand themselves in a van in the middle of nowhere. ... A responsible parent escorts those kids through wind, sleet, and snow to avoid making the other parent angry!	”
—"Winter Forecast"

“	Steven: I can't wait for New Year's Eve tomorrow. It feels like I've waited a whole year! Well, you feel that way for a reason.	”
—"Maximum Capacity"

“	I can't stay here and humor you. I have to be there for my son.	”
—"Maximum Capacity"

“	I may be losin' my hair, but the magic's still there.	”
—"Story for Steven"

“	Yeah, he's just an amigo from way back when... He's dead to me.	”
—"Story for Steven"

“	Sit back. Get comfy... I didn't mean that comfy.	”
—"Story for Steven"

“	No one can ignore The Universe.	”
—"Story for Steven"

“	Well she's a riptide queen and she's super mean!	”
—"The Message"

“	I just showed the Gems that I ain't got the stuff.	”
—"The Message"

“	Apparently you can't have too many 'Mayor Dewey' buttons.	”
—"Political Power"

“	Yeah, but these other Gems aren't like your mother. They're not like Garnet, Amethyst, or Pearl—they're not gonna start caring about people now... They didn't the first time they—	”
—"The Return"

“	I mean— it was thousands of years ago! It's— it's not like I was there!	”
—"The Return"

“	All they do is try to make up for it. They just can't forgive themselves, you understand? Look, they were doing something awful to the planet and your mother couldn't stand it anymore. She told me that's why she had to turn on her own kind. She gave up everything just to stop what they started here and drive the invading Gems off of Earth.	”
—"The Return"

“	No such thing as a good war, kiddo.	”
—"The Return"

“	I NEED YOU TOO!	”
—"The Return"

Season 2

“	*clearly distraught* Steven. I-I'm supportive and very proud of you. And I'll be right back. *runs back into his van* Got to calm down. Where's my... *picks up lots of CDs from the back of the van* Where's my relaxing music CD? This one? *puts a CD in the radio, and death metal music starts to play* Wrong one! Stop! Eject!	”
—"Full Disclosure"

“	I got it out of my system. I'm back to being your cool dad.	”
—"Full Disclosure"

“	I don't understand anything anymore.	”
—"Reformed"

“	This'll really knock your socks off.	”
—"We Need to Talk"

“	I can't believe I got that on video, what on Earth WAS that!?	”
—"We Need to Talk"

“	Let's just... talk.	”
—"We Need to Talk"

“	I'm going to see a man about a tunnel brush... An internet man. If I'm not back in an hour, call the police.	”
—"Keystone Motel"

“	Well, he wasn't an axe-murderer, so that was good.	”
—"Keystone Motel"

“	Son, there will come a time in your life when you'll learn to accept all pizza.	”
—"Keystone Motel"

“	Sometimes people that love each other can hurt each other's feelings, without meaning to.	”
—"Keystone Motel"

“	Alright, move it Connie, I was his best friend first. Happy birthday!	”
—"Steven's Birthday"

“	Connie: How can the Gems not know what to do? You think they know the first thing about raising a baby? That was all me, but I don't get it, driving always used to calm him down.	”
—"Steven's Birthday"

“	Holy smokes! You're growin' a beard! You really are getting older. *hugs Steven* Everybody! Look at this!	”
—"Steven's Birthday"

“	Hey! It's not like a six pack is gonna save you from that height!	”
—"Log Date 7 15 2"

Season 3

“	Eh, Don't worry. I got a hose.	”
—"Drop Beat Dad"

“	Even if he doesn't make it big, Sour Cream'll be okay, as long as he's doing something that makes him happy. Eh, you know, it's not about the mone--eeeeeeeey!	”
—"Drop Beat Dad"

“	♫ Palling around, don't cost nothing. Singing a song, don't cost nothing. How do I spend, all this money? I'd rather just spend time with you. ♫	”
—"Mr. Greg"

“	Nothing's gonna fix this, is it? Pearl: Greg! I'm sorry you had to be around me.	”
—"Mr. Greg"

“	Cherry man.	”
—"Mr. Greg"

“	Look, if I were you, I'd hate me too.	”
—"Mr. Greg"

“	Well, you know Rose. Greg and Pearl: She always did what she wanted!	”
—"Mr. Greg"

“	I like to think of it as more "Experienced" than "Used."	”
—"Beach City Drift"

“	I've had my eye on the Dondai since way back when. I loved that car. I wanted that car. Also, these things are crazy on the road. Front wheel suspension, tons of ponies. But best of all...it has a tape deck.	”
—"Beach City Drift"

“	Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch the four letters, schtuball. Hate's a strong word.	”
—"Beach City Drift"

“	I had no idea that happened. I'm really sorry. That guy, he's not even worth the time of day. Don't even give him the satisfaction of thinking about him.	”
—"Beach City Drift"

“	Uh, correction. We rented a boat. I may be rich, but buying a boat would be going a bit overboard.	”
—"Alone at Sea"

“	Well, sometimes it isn't about the fish you keep, but the company you catch.	”
—"Alone at Sea"

“	Steven: Well, what crackers go with caviar? Water crackers.	”
—"Alone at Sea"

“	You rascal! Can I ever tell you a story without working in a song again?	”
—"Greg the Babysitter"

“	Vidalia: Your shirt's clean. You want it back, or are you just gonna go for a topless stroll? Hey, we all got to grow up sometime, right?	”
—"Greg the Babysitter"

“	Yeah, but I'm not a baby. I don't need someone to feed me or change my clothes. I don't need someone to save me when I climb on to a Ferris wheel and... Oh, man. I am a baby.	”
—"Greg the Babysitter"

“	You know, people grow, whether they want to or not. But growing up is something you got to decide to do.	”
—"Greg the Babysitter"

Season 4

“	These people are sort of like her family, so I offered to let these two stay in the barn.	”
—"Gem Harvest"

“	All right, we don't wanna start another Gem war at the table.	”
—"Gem Harvest"

“	These gifts are great, but Steven's just too young for this stuff. Nowadays he's really into this. *holds out a set of car keys and jiggles it around* ♪ Carabiner! Carabiner! ♪	”
—"Three Gems and a Baby"

“	Steven! My van! Give me back my babies!	”
—"Three Gems and a Baby"

“	Rose and I talked about tons of important stuff. Music, comic books, getting sand between your toes, y'know, feelings. We both made a lot of mistakes when we were young. I thought disco was coming back, she started a war, I think she felt like she had to confess everything to me, but I told her, "The past is the past. All that matters to me is who you are now." And who she was, was an incredible, loving being.	”
—"Steven's Dream"

“	I lost someone very important to me, too. I miss her every single day, and I think about her all the time. But she's never coming back. That feeling can be so hard to be okay with.	”
—Steven's Dream

“	Steven: I can't believe this. They're all so happy. It's like... they don't even know that they're trapped here. Well, of course they don't. They've never been anywhere else. They love it here, I mean, look at this place. Can you blame them? They've got everything they need, and they never have to worry about a thing.	”
—"The Zoo"

“	Geez, I sure am tired from doing a whole lot of nothing. Well, good night, schtu-ball.	”
—"The Zoo"

“	I haven't broken this many hearts since I had all my hair.	”
—"The Zoo"

“	Thanks so much for coming to get me. That has to be, like, the third craziest weekend I've ever had. Steven: Dad, I'm really sorry I got you into all this. This whole thing started 'cause... I wanted answers. You don't have to be sorry about a thing. I hope you found what you were looking for.	”
—"That Will Be All"

“	Oh, good old, natural sand. That fancy zoo sand was too fine for me.	”
—"The New Crystal Gems"

“	Guess who's back in jean shorts! And guess who also got you a pizza? It was me!	”
—"Storm in the Room"

“	Getting some songs figured out. Ah, this is sort of my jamming hill. Used to be a tree by the warehouse, but a 7th-grader with a flute muscled me out.	”
—"Lion 4: Alternate Ending"

“	N-Nora is you.	”
—"Lion 4: Alternate Ending"

“	Steven, she just wanted you to be you. When you have a kid, you have no idea who they're gonna be. Even Garnet couldn't predict it. That's what was so exciting to your mom, that life is full of so many possibilities, and you would get to explore them for yourself. I mean, you could be Steven or Nora or anyone else. And you can always change your name. Hey, I did.	”
—"Lion 4: Alternate Ending"

Season 5

“	It's just some hoses. I can buy new ones. I still have like $9 million left, and what better way to spend that than on some hoses, right, kiddo?	”
—"Gemcation"

“	Steven: I was embarra... You were embroidered, embroiled, emboldened to talk to your old man about your problems?	”
—"Gemcation"

“	Sadie: But that's a long ways off. We're still mostly playing, uh, well, basements. That's where everyone starts. Now you just got to work on the stuff that isn't music: booking shows, making merch, getting the word out.	”
—"The Big Show"

“	Are you still booking all the coolest bands at your club? Well, listen to this! Oh, sorry. It's probably hard to hear over the phone. I'll e-mail you a link.	”
—"The Big Show"

“	The Fog Of War is one of the best units out there. Go big! It's on my tab. Sour Cream: When you say, "big", you mean, like, glow sticks in every color? Bigger! I'm talking lasers!	”
—"The Big Show"

“	Wow. That's so funny. Sadie: How is it funny? It drives me nuts! Oh, no. It's just back in the day, my parents didn't want anything to do with my music. They thought I was throwing my life away. They never came to one of my shows. They never even wanted to hear about them. Sadie: Really? It's kind of amazing that your mom is excited about your band. It's just... really nice to see.	”
—"The Big Show"

“	Well, I fell in love with Rose Quartz, and she fell in love with Mr. Universe. Sure, she never told me she used to be Pink Diamond, but, heh, I never told her I used to be Gregory DeMayo.	”
—"The Question"

“	Steven: But, Dad! What if they never form Garnet again?! We gotta get them back together! Woah... Tha-That's not our call to make! Ruby's gotta want that for herself! If that's not what Ruby wants, then it's not what Garnet wants, right?	”
—"The Question"

“	Y'all ready to wild west it up?	”
—"The Question"

“	Guess it's time to work the old... Universe... charm...! Crystal Gems: No! Alright, I'll just... be in here. *goes inside the house*	”
—"Reunited"

“	Garnet, should I be worried?"	”
—"Legs From Here to Homeworld"

Steven Universe: The Movie

“	STEVEN! I came as fast as I could! Are you okay? Holy s- S-She really got everybody!	”
—Steven Universe: The Movie

“	Well, son, now you know how I feel almost all the time. But you know what else? Any moment now, the Gems are gonna do that thing where they glow and float in the air and reappear better than ever!	”
—Steven Universe: The Movie

“	Pearl: Hmm... Well, I certainly recognize my Um Greg Universe. Oh, boy...	”
—Steven Universe: The Movie

“	You're evacuating people to the warehouse? I'll- I'll cancel the rock show. No? You're right. Sadie Killer always draws a crowd. You got it, Mayor. I'll drop the cover charge and, heck, 30% off merch!	”
—Steven Universe: The Movie

“	AH! Alright, alright! I'll wash my hands!	”
—Steven Universe: The Movie

Steven Universe Future

“	Is it me, or is it getting kinda ominous outside?	”
—"Rose Buds"

“	Any idea how long the Zoomans are going to be around? I haven't had this many exes show up at once since-	”
—"Rose Buds"

“	I can feel the rest of my hair falling out. Steven: Dad, wait. You want to join us for dinner? Nope!	”
—"Rose Buds"

“	Listen, Schtu-ball, if you don't want this Gem around, that's totally fair.	”
—"Bluebird"

“	I love how you believe in everyone. You stuck to your principles, and I'm proud of you. I mean, everyone can change, but not everyone wants to.	”
—"Bluebird"

“	Goodbye, old pal. You're finally free.	”
—"Bluebird"

“	Yeah. You know, you were so right about this whole manager thing, Steven. I love it! I can't believe I'm touring again.	”
—"Growing Pains"

“	Cut yourself some slack. It's okay to be worried and make some mistakes when you're figuring out what to do with your life. That's not unusual. Uh- the magic swelling is a little unusual, but that's okay too! If you wanna be a giant boy, we can use the car wash as a shower.	”
—"Growing Pains"

“	Don't worry about me. Just get some rest, kiddo. You don't have to solve all your problems in one night.	”
—"Growing Pains"

“	Here you go, schtu-ball. Dinner is served. Ice-cream ala pie!	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Steven: You didn't always want to be a rock-star? No way. I didn't get my hands on good music until I was your age. Before I had the van I had no idea what was out there. But everything changed when I hit the road. I mean, sure, you've seen other planets but what about West Keystone? Or Charm City? I had some of my most formative moments eating rest-stop sandwiches outside Delmarva house, and watching the trucks go by.	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Maybe you need a change of scenery, schtu-ball. You're never gonna find yourself if you don't start looking.	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	The road is calling, Steven! Can't you hear it?	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Steven: *gasps* This was your room! Wha- This place is beautiful! I thought you said you grew up in a prison. I did. You have no idea what it was like-- curfew, chaperones, meatloaf. Steven: You didn't like meatloaf? Not every Thursday for twenty years. Steven: Aw, it couldn't have been that bad. Steven, it was horrible! Do you know how old I was the first time I had a taco? *sighs* Too old.	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Once I heard this, everything changed. I suddenly realized there was so much out there I hadn't even thought to dream about. The whole world-- the whole universe. I wanted to get out and see all of it. So I got in this van, on this road, and I never looked back! I never could have known a couple years of couch surfing and basement shows would lead me to your mother, and you. Now it's you turn! Where does Mr. Universe make you want to go?	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Steven, I couldn't do anything growing up. Everything I liked, or wore, wanted was always wrong! Trust me, you're better off then I was.	”
—"Mr. Universe"

“	Steven, if being like this is what you want, then we'll support you one hundred percent. Whatever makes you happy. But, if you're not happy, if something's wrong-	”
—"Everything's Fine"

“	Steven, you know you can tell us anything.	”
—"Everything's Fine"

“	Just calm down, son! Take deep breaths! Deep breaths!	”
—"I Am My Monster"

“	No! Every time Gem stuff happens, I run the other way! This is my son! And he's right to be angry because I didn't protect him!	”
—"I Am My Monster"

“	I'm here, Schtu-Ball! Whatever you need, I'll make it happen! You hear me?!	”
—"I Am My Monster"

“	You're allowed to have feelings, even petty ones.	”
—"The Future"

“	*sighs* I guess the Gems are gonna swap one Universe for another, huh? You know, you heading off and me settling down, it makes the kind of karmic make sense, I just can't resist.	”
—"The Future"