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This is a transcribed copy of "Historical Friction". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Onion Friend" Next: "Friend Ship"
Speaker Dialogue
[Open Ext. Crystal Temple]
(Steven is running from the Beach House towards Jamie, standing on the beach.)
Jamie Steven!
Steven Jamie!
(Steven slides in front of Jamie.)
Jamie Safe! *giggles, and Steven giggles too*
Steven We have fun. *acts serious* So, you got the goods?
Jamie Oh, I've got gooder than the goods.
(Jamie makes fanfare noises and hands Steven a poster, reading "Beach City Theatre Presents: The Tale of William Dewey".)
Steven Whoa, a play!
Jamie I'm holding auditions tonight. It's a local production drifting through space, looking for stars.
Steven *imitates an Italian accent* If'a ya' need a great actor, you'a come to the right'a guyyyyyya.
Jamie What was that?
Steven An accent.
Jamie From where?
Steven I dunno.
(There is a brief silence between Jamie and Steven.)
Jamie & Steven Acting! *high-five each other*
[Trans. Int. Beach City Stage]
(Jamie is standing on the stage, preparing the audition, and Steven arrives.)
Steven Jamie, Jamie, Jamie! Where's everyone else?
Jamie Uh, you're the only one that showed up. But, hey, some plays only have one person in them, so we're already in two hundred percent better shape than that.
Steven That sounds like some strange math... But I'm ready!
Jamie Great! Here's a copy of the script. *hands the script copy to Steven*
Steven *reads the script's title* "Beach City or Bust: The Tale of William Dewey".
Jamie This is my first production, so it needs to be exciting! It needs to be classic! It needs to be fully funded by Mayor Dewey. And it is... because he wrote it.
(Steven opens the script; the first page reads "By Mayor Dewey".)
Steven What's it about?
Mayor Dewey *walks onto the stage* I'm glad you asked! This is the story of how Beach City was founded nearly two hundred years ago by my great-great-great-great-grandfather, William Dewey. It's a truly important historical tale with a lot of sentimental and political importance to me.
Jamie Well, we're just about to get started, uh... Would you like to sit in on the rehearsal, Mayor?
Mayor Dewey Don't mind if I do! *sits on one of the on-stage chairs* Oh, pardon me.
Jamie OK, Steven, since you're the only one who showed up, you'll be playing the lead role of William Dewey.
Steven Nailed the audition!
Jamie And for the other roles I guess I'll have to play... all of them. *clears his throat*
Jamie (Narrator) "The ship is out at sea. The sun beats down on the crew while they stand on deck. Suddenly, the tall, ruggedly handsome man standing in front of them speaks."
Jamie (William Dewey) "Crew, I'm so glad you could be part of this journey with me as we search for a new land to build a distinguished, new city in!"
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) "Oh, Captain William Dewey, you are such a good captain! Never has a voyage been so super good!"
Jamie (William Dewey) "Good point, First Mate Buddy! (The crew laughs.) Woo-hoo for fun!"
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) "Oh no! Is that a wild squall approaching us? Surely this can't be good!"
Jamie (William Dewey) "Be calm, my crew! I'll just save us with my heroic, supernatural ability!"
Steven (Narrator) "And then William Dewey grows to a fifty-foot giant, and carries the boat safely to shore. The crew thinks he's so good at being captain that they elected him to be the first mayor of Beach City. The end."
Steven Wow, Mayor Dewey, that was really good!
Mayor Dewey Whoa-ho, yeah!
Jamie William Dewey is a really, ah... "good" character, but maybe we could bring out another side of William Dewey? See his struggles?
Mayor Dewey The great William Dewey didn't struggle! He was good at everything on the first try! Just like me when I wrote this play! Not a single word needs to be changed!
Jamie But maybe-
Mayor Dewey *shushes Jamie* Don't forget who's funding this! *gets up from his seat* Well, nice hustle, gentlemen, keep it up! *leaves the stage*
Steven *salutes* Aye-aye!
Jamie This is gonna be a disaster...
Steven What!?
Jamie It's a terrible story. William Dewey is totally unbelievable!
Steven 'Cause he grows fifty feet?
Jamie No! He's got no character!
Steven But the script kept saying he was really good!
Jamie Exactly! How can a guy have no faults? To be human is to be flawed. A real hero must struggle!
Steven *touched with tears in his eyes* That's so beautiful!... And also totally not represented in Mayor Dewey's script.
Jamie *sighs* My first play, and probably my last...
[Trans. Int. Beach House]
(Steven returns home with the script in hand.)
Steven *opens the front door* Hey, Pearl!
(Pearl is seen sitting on the couch, staring at the ceiling with a sad expression.)
Steven Pearl?
Pearl *surprised* Steven! You're back.
Steven Yeah... *sits next to Pearl on the couch* Show business is rough.
Pearl Is there... something I can help you with?
Steven Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.
Pearl How do you know William Dewey?
Steven I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.
Pearl *sighs sadly* Wish I could say the same for myself...
Steven Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!
Pearl *smiles* When did you get so smart?
(Pearl takes the script from Steven and starts reading it.)
Pearl Hmm... This isn't just boring. *closes the script* It's historically inaccurate! Who wrote this?
Steven Mayor Dewey.
Pearl *laughs* He wasn't even there! But I was.
Steven You were there? Wait! What really happened?
Pearl Well, for starters, "ruggedly handsome" seems rather generous.
[Trans. Beach City Stage]
(Jamie reads the rewritten script of the play, retitled: "The true Story of William Dewey", while clenching onto it tightly.)
Jamie Steven... This is so real! It's like it was written by someone who lived it!
Steven It was! And I dunno if you can tell, but I wrote the jokes!
Jamie I can tell. It's so gritty, so passionate, so...
Steven *interrupts Jamie* Historically accurate?
Jamie And the drama! This is the play we should be doing.
Steven Let's do it then! Let's put on this version of the play.
Jamie But how? We'd need new costumes, new props, we have no time! And Mayor Dewey'll have our heads!
Steven But Jamie! You said it yourself. A real hero struggles.
Jamie By Jiminy, you're right! This show will go on tomorrow night! With you as Captain William Dewey, and I as the remaining roles.
Steven All of them!?
Jamie *inhales deeply, then pumps his fist in determination* All of them!
Steven & Jamie *high-fives each other* Boom! Ah! Acting!
[Time Skip - Night-time]
(The citizens of Beach City, including Pearl, are gathered in front of the BC Stage, sitting on foldable chairs.)
Mayor Dewey Mind if I... have a seat? *sits down besides Pearl*
Pearl Oookay.
Mayor Dewey Ooh, y'know, I... wrote this play.
(Pearl, unimpressed, gets up from her seat and sits in the back row, leaving Mayor Dewey alone at his seat.)
[Trans. Int. BC Stage]
(Jamie is making shadow figures with his hands, while he and Steven talk.)
Steven I hope Mayor Dewey isn't mad about the changes...
Jamie Guess we'll have to see. *laughs nervously*
Steven Are you nervous?
Jamie Of course. This could either make or break my career...
Steven You could lose your job at the post office?
Jamie This could either make or break my hobby.
(Steven and Jamie laugh nervously, clearly sweating.)
Jamie & Steven *anxiously* Acting!
[Trans. Ext. BC Stage]
(Spotlights shine on the curtains.)
Jamie Boardies and gentle-boardies, tonight, I am thrilled to present to you... The Tale of William Dewey!
(The curtains raise, revealing Steven and Jamie in a prop ship on stage, as the audience applauds. An audience member yells out "Yeah, Beach City rules!" and is quickly shushed.)
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) Oh Captain, my Captain, how long until the soft lips of our sailing ship kiss the rugged beard of new lands?
Steven (William Dewey) I know we've been journeying for many months, but surely we'll run into something soon. The ocean can't be that big.
Pearl *cries out from the audience* Gah! There he is! Hi, Steven! You're so talented!
(Steven waves at Pearl.)
Steven (William Dewey) Back home, they called me Dewey the Dunce! Said I couldn't find land even if I was standing on it!
(The audience, except Mayor Dewey, starts laughing.)
Mayor Dewey What the-?
Steven (William Dewey) And I'm starting to fear that they were right...
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) What light through yon stage left breaks?
Steven (William Dewey) Oh, what now?
(A silhouette of the Crystal Gems appear on the background of the stage.)
Jamie (Pearl) It is the east, and we are the Crystal Gems!
Mayor Dewey What!? This wasn't in the script! This wasn't in the budget either! *takes out a calculator and starts tapping on it*
Jamie (Pearl) *hoisted onto the stage by a rope* Greetings! I am Pearl! *wearing a party hat to imitate Pearl's nose* And I come to you as a messenger of the brilliant Rose Quartz! *throws rose petals into the air* We ask that you turn your ship around! The land you're headed for is no walk in the park for your species.
Steven (William Dewey) Nonsense! I won't take orders from the likes of you!
Jamie (Pearl) Hmm! Well then! *bends down*
Jamie (Garnet) *stands up, now wearing sunglasses and a box painted black on his head* You should turn around, 'lest you fall into the sea! And you know... humans aren't... very good... swimmers.
Jamie (Amethyst) *holds up a mop with a purple gem taped to it* They ain't!
Steven (William Dewey) I'll just return home like the failure dunce I am... *tips over the sail and mast of the prop ship* Ah! I can't even turn a sail right! Why must I always struggle!?
(The audience laughs once more.)
Buck *facepalms* Wow, dad... What a loser.
(Mayor Dewey slides off his chair, sweating and with his arms crossed.)
(Act 2 of the play begins, as the curtains raise once more, revealing Steven and Jamie in the prop ship again. They are balancing on one leg and tipping from side to side, making it seem like there is a storm.)
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) Oh, Captain, my Captain! We've drifted miles from our course! These waves are nothing like I've ever seen before!
Steven (William Dewey) Nonsense! This is only a drizzle!
(Jamie pours a bucket of water over Steven.)
Steven (William Dewey) ... Oookay, maybe a light summer storm.
(A monstrous roar is heard.)
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) What's that portside!? ... *clears his throat* Lever.
Steven Oh! *pushes a lever on the floor with his foot*
(A large cardboard tentacle emerges from the floor of the stage; the audience gasps. Jamie leaps from the prop ship and grabs onto the tentacle.)
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) Captain! It's got me!
Steven (William Dewey) First Mate Buddy!
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) Whatever you do, don't give up your search! You're the bravest man I know because you try, even though you fail so, so much!
Steven (William Dewey) Buddy! Nooo! *Pretends to cry*
(The tentacle is then lowered, lowering Jamie onto the floor behind a cardboard wave. He then crawls out off the stage.)
Steven (William Dewey) *takes off his hat* Oh, Buddy! A stale biscuit 'til the end!
(The silhouette of a monster appears on the background behind Steven, roaring, along with two cardboard tentacles raising from the floor.)
Steven (William Dewey) Now my boat will sink into the depths. Dewey, the Disastrous Dunce... What's this?
(Noise is heard from behind the stage. Another silhouette, this time of a giant woman appears next to the monster. The two silhouettes begin to fight, with punching sound effects.)
Steven (William Dewey) Holy anchovies! The quadruple noogie! A move that's only been spoken of in legends!
(Both the monster and the tentacles disappear out of sight, as the giant woman seems to have defeated it. The giant woman silhouette then approaches the stage, becoming larger and larger.)
Steven (William Dewey) Ah! It heads this way! Oh, please, goddess of noogies, don't hurt me.
(A giant cardboard hand is lowered from the ceiling, seeming pushing the prop ship. The background changes from an ocean to a sunny beach, and the cardboard waves disappear.)
Steven (William Dewey) Whoa! I've made it! Land! *leaves the prop ship and slides on his knees* Sweet, solid land! *kiss the floor, making a disgusted noise in reaction, and looks up* Thank you, giant woman.
Jamie (Giant Woman) You may not want to stay, this land is dangerous.
Steven (William Dewey) No! I will stay! For I am William Dewey, and I don't give up in the face of failure! *in the bad accent from before* That's what-a makes-a me greeeat-a!
Jamie (Giant Woman) ('As the giant woman') Very well then. But I can't promise you I won't interfere again.
(The giant cardboard hand is lowered again. Steven gives it a high-five, and it is raised back up, as the giant woman silhouette disappears.)
Steven (William Dewey) I shall name this new land in honor of my dead first mate, Buddy.
Jamie (First Mate Buddy) *rolls onto the stage with a wave decoration on wheels, seemingly being washed ashore* I'm alive!
Steven (William Dewey) Okay, Beach City it is!
(A banner appears behind Steven and Jamie, reading "Dewey for Mayor" as a jingle plays. The audience claps and cheers, while Mayor Dewey is still sweating and looking nervous.)
Mayor Dewey ... What? *notices that the audience is applauding him*
Buck Nice to know great-grandpa was a real person with flaws. Gutsy move, Dad.
(The audience starts cheering and chanting "May-or Dew-ey" repeatedly.)
[Time Skip]
(Jamie, wearing his "Movie Star" sunglasses, begins signing autographs for the citizens of Beach City.)
Jamie One for you... And one for you.
Mayor Dewey *runs toward Jamie* Excuse me. If I could have a moment with the talent?
(Nanefua, who has just gotten an autograph from Jamie, slaps his behind as she leaves.)
Mayor Dewey Jamie! *puts his hand on Jamie's shoulder and laughs* Oh, yeah! Fantastic work! I love the message. Vote Mayor Dewey! How about I offer you another role? Lead Director of Beach City Community Theater. You could put on more plays, as long as the budget allows it!
(Jamie, upon hearing Mayor Dewey's request, starts literally burning with passion as he chatters an odd, excited noise.)
Jamie *straightens up and pulls himself together* Thank you, sir.
Steven A lot of the credit should go to Pearl! You could say she was an "inside source".
Pearl I am a gem of many talents. A dedication to fact is just one of them.
Mayor Dewey *turns to Pearl, blushing* Thank you, for preserving my legacy.
Pearl Oh, what's 200 years between friends? *pats Mayor Dewey's head*
Mayor Dewey Weeell, I must be off then to bask in the adulation of my constituents. *leaves hastily*
Pearl You know... I don't remember there being a campaign slogan at the end of that story.
Steven Art doesn't always need a reason, Pearl. Sometimes, you just gotta make the audience happy! That's why you always end on a joke!
(A silence falls over the group, as the star iris closes in on Steven, ending the episode.)

ve Transcripts
Pilot Pilot
Season 1 A: Gem GlowLaser Light CannonCheeseburger BackpackTogether BreakfastFryboCat FingersBubble BuddiesSerious StevenTiger MillionaireSteven's LionArcade ManiaGiant WomanSo Many BirthdaysLars and the Cool KidsOnion TradeSteven the Sword FighterLion 2: The MovieBeach PartyRose's RoomCoach StevenJoking VictimSteven and the StevensMonster BuddiesAn Indirect KissMirror Gem/Ocean Gem

B: House GuestSpace RaceSecret TeamIsland AdventureKeep Beach City WeirdFusion CuisineGarnet's UniverseWatermelon StevenLion 3: Straight to VideoWarp TourAlone TogetherThe TestFuture VisionOn the RunHorror ClubWinter ForecastMaximum CapacityMarble MadnessRose's ScabbardOpen BookShirt ClubStory for StevenThe MessagePolitical PowerThe Return/Jail Break

Season 2 Full DisclosureJoy RideSay UncleLove LettersReformedSworn to the SwordRising Tides, Crashing SkiesKeeping It TogetherWe Need to TalkChille TidCry for HelpKeystone MotelOnion FriendHistorical FrictionFriend ShipNightmare HospitalSadie's SongCatch and ReleaseWhen It RainsBack to the BarnToo FarThe AnswerSteven's BirthdayIt Could've Been GreatMessage ReceivedLog Date 7 15 2
Season 3 Super Watermelon Island/Gem DrillSame Old WorldBarn MatesHit the DiamondSteven FloatsDrop Beat DadMr. GregToo Short to RideThe New LarsBeach City DriftRestaurant WarsKiki's Pizza Delivery ServiceMonster ReunionAlone at SeaGreg the BabysitterGem HuntCrack the WhipSteven vs. AmethystBismuthBetaEarthlingsBack to the MoonBubbled
Season 4 The Kindergarten KidKnow Your FusionBuddy's BookMindful EducationFuture Boy ZoltronLast One Out of Beach CityOnion GangGem HarvestThree Gems and a BabySteven's DreamAdventures in Light DistortionGem HeistThe ZooThat Will Be AllThe New Crystal GemsStorm in the RoomRocknaldoTiger PhilanthropistRoom for RubyLion 4: Alternate EndingDoug OutThe Good LarsAre You My Dad?I Am My Mom
Season 5 Stuck TogetherThe TrialOff ColorsLars' HeadDewey WinsGemcationRaising the BarnBack to the KindergartenSadie KillerKevin PartyLars of the StarsJungle MoonYour Mother and MineThe Big ShowPool HoppingLetters to LarsCan't Go BackA Single Pale RoseNow We're Only Falling ApartWhat's Your Problem?The QuestionMade of HonorReunitedLegs From Here to HomeworldFamiliarTogether AloneEscapismChange Your Mind
Film Steven Universe: The Movie
Future Little HomeschoolGuidanceRose BudsVolleyballBluebirdA Very Special EpisodeSnow DayWhy So Blue?Little GraduationPrickly PairIn DreamsBismuth CasualTogether ForeverGrowing PainsMr. UniverseFragmentsHomeworld BoundEverything's FineI Am My MonsterThe Future
Shorts Lion Loves to Fit in a BoxThe Classroom Gems: What Are Gems?We Are the Crystal GemsThe Classroom Gems: How Are Gems Made?UnboxingThe Classroom Gems: FusionCooking with LionGem KaraokeSteven ReactsVideo ChatSteven's Song Time
Other We Deserve to ShineCrossover Nexus