Historical Friction/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of Historical Friction. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Onion Friend"

Next: "Friend Ship"

[Ext. beach outside the Crystal Temple]

(Steven running on the beach.)

Jamie: Steven!

Steven: Jamie!

(Steven slides towards Jamie.)

Jamie: Safe!

(They both giggle.)

Steven: We have fun. So, *narrows eyes* you got the goods?

Jamie: Oh, I've got gooder than the goods.

(Jamie makes fanfare noises and hands Steven a poster, reading "The Tale of William Dewey".)

Steven: Whoa, a play!

Jamie: I'm holding auditions tonight. It's a local production drifting through space, looking for stars.

Steven: *In an Italian accent* If'a ya' need a great actor, you'a come to the right'a guyyyyyya.

Jamie: What was that?

Steven: An accent.

Jamie: From where?

Steven: I dunno.

Jamie and Steven: (Brief pause) *High five each other* Acting!

[Time Skip - Trans. to Beach City Stage]

Steven: Jamie, Jamie, Jamie! Where's everyone else?

Jamie: Uh, you're the only one that showed up. But, hey, some plays only have one person in them, so we're already in two hundred percent better shape than that.

Steven: *Counting on his fingers* That sounds like some strange math... But I'm ready!

Jamie: Great! Here's a copy of the script. *Hands the script copy to Steven*

Steven: *Reading the script's title* "Beach City or Bust: The Tale of William Dewey".

Jamie: This is my first production, so it needs to be exciting! It needs to be classic! It needs to be fully funded by Mayor Dewey. And it is... because he wrote it.

(Steven opens the script; the first page reads: "By Mayor Dewey".)

Steven: What's it about?

Bill Dewey: *Walks onto the stage* I'm glad you asked! This is the story of how Beach City was founded nearly two hundred years ago by my great-great-great-great-grandfather, William Dewey. It's a truly important historical tale with a lot of sentimental and political importance to me.

Jamie: Well, we're just about to get started, uh... Would you like to sit in on the rehearsal, Mayor?

Bill Dewey: Don't mind if I do! *Sits on one of the on-stage chairs* Oh, pardon me.

Jamie: OK, Steven, since you're the only one who showed up, you'll be playing the lead role of William Dewey.

Steven: Nailed the audition!

Jamie: And for the other roles I guess I'll have to play... all of them.

('Jamie clears his throat, then starts narrating:) "The ship is out at sea. The sun beats down on the crew while they stand on deck. Suddenly, the tall, ruggedly handsome man standing in front of them speaks: (As William Dewey') "Crew, I'm so glad you could be part of this journey with me as we search for a new land to build a distinguished, new city in!"

(As First Mate Buddy:') "Oh, Captain William Dewey, you are such a good captain! Never has a voyage been so super good!"

('William Dewey:') "Good point, First Mate Buddy! ('the crew laughs') Woo-hoo for fun!"

[The scene changes, now showing three crew members looking worried]

('First Mate Buddy:') "Oh no! Is that a wild squall approaching us? Surely this can't be good!"

('William Dewey:') "Be calm, my crew! I'll just save us with my heroic, supernatural ability!"

Steven: *reading from the script* "And then William Dewey grows to a fifty-foot giant, and carries the boat safely to shore. The crew thinks he's so good at being captain that they elected him to be the first mayor of Beach City. The end." Wow, Mayor Dewey, that was really good!

Bill Dewey: Whoa-ho, yeah!

Jamie: William Dewey is a really, ah... "good" character, but maybe we could bring out another side of William Dewey? See his struggles?

Bill Dewey: The great William Dewey didn't struggle! He was good at everything on the first try! Just like me when I wrote this play! Not a single word needs to be changed!

Jamie: But maybe-

Bill Dewey: *shushes Jamie* Don't forget who's funding this! ( After a short pause, he gets up from his seat.) Well, nice hustle, gentlemen, keep it up! *leaves*

Steven: *Saluting him* Aye-aye!

Jamie: This is gonna be a disaster...

Steven: What!?

Jamie: It's a terrible story. William Dewey is totally unbelievable!

Steven: 'Cause he grows fifty feet?

Jamie: No! He's got no character!

Steven: But the script kept saying he was really good!

Jamie: Exactly! How can a guy have no faults? To be human is to be flawed. A real hero must struggle!

Steven: *Clearly touched, tears in his eyes* That's so beautiful!... And also totally not represented in Mayor Dewey's script.

Jamie: *Sighs* My first play, and probably my last...

[Trans. Int. Beach House]

Steven: *As he walks in the front door* Hey, Pearl!

(Pearl is seen sitting in the couch, staring at the ceiling with a sad expression.)

Steven: Pearl?

Pearl: *Turns to him* Steven! You're back.

Steven: Yeah... *Sits next to her on the couch* Show business is rough.

Pearl: Is there... something I can help you with?

Steven: Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.

Pearl: How do you know William Dewey?

Steven: I'm gonna be him in this play! But he's totally boring! He's perfect and he never makes mistakes.

Pearl: *Sighs sadly* Wish I could say the same for myself...

Steven: Yeah, but nobody's like that! Everybody gets stuff wrong, and then you have to keep going and it's hard, which is why it's great when you never stop trying!

Pearl: *Smiles* When did you get so smart?

(Pearl opens the script and starts reading.)

Pearl: Hmm... *Reading the script* This isn't just boring. *Closes the script* It's historically inaccurate! Who wrote this?

Steven: Mayor Dewey.

Pearl: *Laughs* He wasn't even there! But I was.

Steven: You were there? Wait! What really happened?

Pearl: Well, for starters, "ruggedly handsome" seems rather generous.

[Trans. Beach City Stage]

Jamie: *Clenching the script* Steven... This is so real! It's like it was written by someone who lived it!

Steven: It was! And I dunno if you can tell, but I wrote the jokes!

Jamie: I can tell. It's so gritty, so passionate, so...

Steven: *Interrupts Jamie* Historically accurate?

Jamie: And the drama! This is the play we should be doing.

Steven: Let's do it then! Let's put on this version of the play.

Jamie: But how? We'd need new costumes, new props, we have no time! And Mayor Dewey'll have our heads!

Steven: But Jamie! You said it yourself: A real hero struggles.

Jamie: By Jiminy, you're right! This show will go on tomorrow night! With you as Captain William Dewey, and I as the remaining roles.

Steven: All of them!?

Jamie: *Inhales, then pumps his fist* All of them!

(Steven and Jamie high-five.)

Steven and Jamie: Boom! Ah! Acting!

[Time Skip—nighttime at BC Stage.]

(People of Beach City are gathered in front of the stage on foldable chairs.)

Bill Dewey: (Sitting down next to Pearl who is reading a brochure.) Mind if I... have a seat?

Pearl: Oookay.

Bill Dewey: Ooh, y'know, I.. wrote this play.

(Pearl looks unimpressed, gets up from her seat, and leaves Mayor Dewey, only to sit back down on the back row of chairs instead. Mayor Dewey remains in his seat.)

[Trans. behind the stage]

(Jamie is making shadow figures with his hands while he and Steven talk.)

Steven: I hope Mayor Dewey isn't mad about the changes...

Jamie: Guess we'll have to see. *laughs nervously*

Steven: Are you nervous?

Jamie: Of course. This could either make or break my career...

Steven: You could lose your job at the post office?

Jamie: This could either make or break my hobby.

(Both of them laugh nervously, clearly sweating.)

Jamie and Steven: *Quietly* Acting!

[Trans. front of the stage]

(Spotlights shine on the curtains.)

Jamie: Boardies and gentle-boardies, tonight, I am thrilled to present to you: The Tale of William Dewey!

(Applause from the audience. Audience member yells out "Yeah, Beach City rules!" and is shushed.)

Jamie: ('As First Mate Buddy:') Oh Captain, my Captain, how long until the soft lips of our sailing ship kiss the rugged beard of new lands?

Steven: ('As William Dewey:') I know we've been journeying for many months, but surely we'll run into something soon. The ocean can't be that big.

Pearl: *From the audience* There he is! Hi, Steven! You're so talented!

(Steven waves at Pearl.)

Steven: Back home, they called me Dewey the Dunce! Said I couldn't find land even if I was standing on it!

(The audience laughs.)

Bill Dewey: What the- ?

Steven: And I'm starting to fear that they were right...

Jamie: What light through yon stage left breaks?

Steven: Oh, what now?

Jamie: *Runs off stage* (As Pearl:) It is the east, and we are the Crystal Gems!

Bill Dewey: What!? This wasn't in the script! This wasn't in the budget either! *Takes out a calculator and starts tapping on it*

Jamie: *Is hoisted onto the stage by a rope* (As Pearl:) Greetings! I am Pearl! *Has a party hat tied around his face to look like Pearl's nose* And I come to you as a messenger of the brilliant Rose Quartz! *Throws rose petals into the air* We ask that you turn your ship around! The land you're headed for is no walk in the park for your species.

Steven: Nonsense! I won't take orders from the likes of you!

Jamie: Hmm! *Bends down* Well then! *Stands up again, now wearing sunglasses and a box on his head that's painted black in the front to look like Garnet* ('As Garnet:') You should turn around, 'lest you fall into the sea! And you know... humans aren't... *Close-up* very good... *Close-up on his lips* swimmers. *Holds up a mop with a purple gem taped to it as a substitute for Amethyst* ('As Amethyst:') They ain't!

Steven: I'll just return home like the failure dunce I am... *Tips over the sail and mast of the prop ship* Ah! I can't even turn a sail right! Why must I always struggle!?

(The audience laughs once more.)

Buck Dewey: *Sitting next to his father* Wow, dad...what a loser.

(Mayor Dewey slides down his chair, sweating and with his arms crossed.)

(The curtains are raised once more, revealing Steven still as William Dewey and Jamie as First Mate Buddy again in the prop ship. They are balancing on one leg and tipping from side to side, making it seem like there's a storm.)

Jamie: Oh, Captain, my Captain! We've drifted miles from our course! These waves are nothing like I've ever seen before!

Steven: Nonsense! This is only a drizzle!

(Jamie pours a bucket of water over Steven.)

Steven: ... Oookay, maybe a light summer storm.

(A monstrous roar is heard.)

Jamie: What's that portside!? ... *clears his throat* Lever.

Steven: Oh! *Pulls a lever in the prop ship with his foot*

(A large cardboard tentacle appears from the floor of the stage; the audience gasps. Jamie leaps from the ship, grabbing onto the tentacle.)

Jamie: Captain! It's got me!

Steven: First Mate Buddy!

Jamie: Whatever you do, don't give up your search! You're the bravest man I know because you try, even though you fail so, so much!

Steven: Buddy! Nooo! *Pretends to cry*

(The tentacle is lowered once more, leaving Jamie on the floor behind a cardboard wave. He then crawls out of sight on his hands and knees.)

Steven: *Takes off his hat* Oh, Buddy! A stale biscuit 'til the end!

(The silhouette of a monster appears behind Steven, roaring. The tentacle that Jamie grabbed on to and another one on the left are raised from the floor once more.)

Steven: Now my boat will sink into the depths. Dewey, the Disastrous Dunce... What's this?

(Noise is heard from somewhere behind/below the stage. Another silhouette appears next to the monster, resembling a Gem Fusion. The two silhouettes begin to fight, punching sound effects can be heard.)

Steven: Holy anchovies! The quadruple noogie! A move that's only been spoken of in legends!

(Both the monster and the tentacles disappear out of sight, as the giant woman seems to have defeated it. The remaining silhouette then approaches the stage, becoming larger and larger.)

Steven: Ah! It heads this way! Oh, please, goddess of noogies, don't hurt me.

(A giant cardboard hand is lowered towards the floor of the stage as the background changes and the cardboard waves disappear. Where there was a background of ocean before, it is now a sunny beach.)

Steven: Whoa! I've made it! Land! Sweet, solid land! (He leaves the prop ship and falls to his knees on the stage; begins to kiss the floorboards, but then makes a disgusted noise, gets up and holds his hand to his heart.) Thank you, giant woman.

Jamie: (As the giant woman:') You may not want to stay, this land is dangerous.

Steven: No! I will stay! For I am William Dewey, and I don't give up in the face of failure! *With the bad accent used earlier* That's what-a makes-a me greeeat-a!

Jamie: ('As the giant woman:') Very well then. But I can't promise you I won't interfere again.

(The giant cardboard hand is lowered again; Steven (as William Dewey) gives it a high-five, and it is raised back up as the silhouette disappears.)

Steven: I shall name this new land in honor of my dead first mate, Buddy.

Jamie: *Rolls onto the stage on a wave decoration with wheels as First Mate Buddy* I'm alive!

Steven: Okay, Beach City it is!

(A banner appears behind Steven and Jamie, reading "Dewey for Mayor" as a jingle plays. The audience claps and cheers, and smiles at Mayor Dewey, who's still sweating and looking nervous.)

Bill Dewey: ... What? (He notices that the audience is applauding him; smiles.)

Buck Dewey: Nice to know great-grandpa was a real person with flaws. Gutsy move, Dad.

(The audience starts chanting "May-or Dew-ey" repeatedly.)

[Trans. to side of stage]

(Jamie wearing the sunglasses from his Garnet costume, signing autographs.)

Jamie: One for you... And one for you.

Bill Dewey: *Runs toward Jamie* Excuse me. If I could have a moment with the talent?

(Nanefua, who has just gotten an autograph from Jamie, slaps his behind as she leaves.)

Bill Dewey: Jamie! *Puts his hand on Jamie's shoulder and laughs* Oh, yeah! Fantastic work! I love the message: Vote Mayor Dewey! How about I offer you another role? Lead Director of Beach City Community Theater. You could put on more plays, as long as the budget allows it!

(Close-up of Jamie, fire in the background and in his eyes as he makes an odd, excited noise.)

[Camera zooms back out]

Jamie: *Straightens up and pulls himself together* Thank you, sir.

Steven: A lot of the credit should go to Pearl! You could say she was an "inside source".

Pearl: I am a gem of many talents. A dedication to fact is just one of them.

Bill Dewey: *To Pearl, blushing* Thank you, for preserving my legacy.

Pearl: Oh, what's 200 years between friends? *Pats Mayor Dewey's head*

Bill Dewey: Weeell, I must be off then to bask in the adulation of my constituents. *Leaves*

Pearl: You know... I don't remember there being a campaign slogan at the end of that story.

Steven: Art doesn't always need a reason, Pearl. Sometimes, you just gotta make the audience happy! That's why you always end on a joke!

(A silence falls over the group, and the star closes in on Steven's face as the episode ends.)

[END]