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Steven gallery This is a transcribed copy of "Joking Victim". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Coach Steven" Next: "Steven and the Stevens"
Speaker Dialogue
[Open Ext. Funland Arcade]
(Steven is washing sand off of his feet at a faucet when Amethyst approaches.)
Amethyst Hey, Steven. You wanna try some special new french fries? *offers Steven a cup of red french fries*
Steven Do I! *happily grabs and eats a handful of fries*
(Amethyst chuckles loudly and Steven, unwittingly, joins in, until his face begins to turn red.)
Steven *screaming* HOT!
Amethyst They’re special because they’re seasoned with Fire Salt! *pulls out a vial of Fire Salt to show him*
(Steven, face burning red, quickly attempts to turn the faucet back on but it breaks off, forcing him to sprint towards the Big Donut, all while Amethyst laughs at him.)
[Trans. Int. Big Donut]
(Steven bursts into the Big Donut, rushes to the soda fountain and sprays two types of soda in his mouth. Excess soda is spilled onto the floor, forming a large puddle on the floor, and Lars steps out to confront him.)
Lars Steven! What are you— *slips and falls on the puddle of soda* Wha-aaahhh!
Steven *exhausted* Sorry, Lars.
Lars Ugh, Steven! Who do you think has to clean up this mess? *turns to Sadie* Sadie, clean up this mess.
Sadie *annoyed* No way, it’s your turn. I cleaned the last five "Stevens".
Lars Aww, come on. That fall messed up my back. *rubs his back* It hurts, really bad.
Sadie *rolls eyes and brings out a mop and a bucket* Fine. Move aside, I’ll take care of this. Could you grab the soap?
Lars *fakes an anguished groan* Oh! It hurts! Sooo much! *exaggerates his "back pain"*
Sadie Maybe you should take the day off.
Lars *snaps upright* Okay! You gonna be fine on your own?
Sadie Well, I guess so, but—
Lars You’re the best, Player Two! *leaves the store*
Sadie Aww... *pauses and realizes* Wait, I can’t run this place by myself!
(Steven walks over with a large pile of napkins and drops them directly on the puddle.)
Steven I can help! This place has given me so many delicious donuts. It's time I gave back.
Sadie *dresses Steven in a Big Donut uniform* I hereby deputise you as Lars-for-the-day. Now, it's time I showed you the Employee Room.
(Sadie and Steven enter the room, which is populated by several large supply boxes on the right, over a dozen Donut boxes lining the back left, and a CRT TV, two folding chairs and a small circular table furnishing the front left.)
Steven Woah, this is the most magical place I’ve ever seen.
Sadie Let me give you the tour. *points at the boxes* These are the extra supplies. Cups, plastic silverware... Sometimes I sleep on the napkins when I get tired.
Steven Is that why they’re called, nap-kins?
Sadie Not really, no. Good joke, though. *pats Steven on his head, and shows him the tables and chairs* On breaks, we chill out here. We can even watch TV. *leans and whispers* Sometimes, Lars will cover for me so I can watch Canine Court. (Steven "zips" his lips and Sadie smiles. She then brings him to another pile of boxes.) Now, most important of all, this is where we store, the donuts. They’re mailed in from some corporate bake-station.
Steven You mean you don’t make them here?
Sadie No, not since... "the accident".
(Sadie glares towards a corner of the room, revealing a blast mark on the wall outlining a human body.)
Sadie Now Steven, this job is a big responsibility, so you’re gonna have to watch this video tape. *shows Steven a VHS tape*
Steven What is it?
Sadie It’s like a DVD shaped like a box, and it’ll tell you everything you need to know. *inserts the tape into the VHS player of the TV*
(The tape begins playing a work safety video with upbeat music, the star being a younger Mr. Smiley.)
Steven Mr. Smiley used to work here?
Sadie No, but he used to be an actor/R&B singer.
(The lengthy video informs Steven and Sadie about safety procedures such as the Heimlich maneuver and fire extinguishing through Mr. Smiley's song "Do or Do Nut". Steven is seen enjoying the video, but Sadie is greatly bored. After the video ends, Sadie steps forth to retrieve the VHS tape.)
Steven Wow, that was great! Are all video tapes that informative?
Sadie In my experience, yeah!
(Steven and Sadie return back to the front of the store and start serving customers.)
Sadie It started out as just a summer job, but... that was two summers ago.
(Mr. Fryman and Peedee leave after they are served donuts, and Mr. Smiley approaches the counter.)
Mr. Smiley Hmm, I’ll have a-
Steven *gets excited and starts singing* Donuts! At the Big, Donut! (Surprised, Mr. Smiley joins in.)
Mr. Smiley & Steven Hey! They make the world go round. (Mr. Smiley chuckles.)
Steven Wow, I can’t believe you used to be a real actor/R&B singer!
Mr. Smiley Used to be? *mumbles to himself while leaving with his donuts* Kids these days, they don’t know anything...
Sadie Wow, I'm impressed, last time someone mentioned that song we couldn't get Mr. Smiley to go home.
Steven *singing* To perk up, you gotta percolate, a hot cup of coffee, makes the perfect day. *hands Sadie a cup of coffee*
Sadie Haha, thanks. Maybe I should phone up Lars to tell him he can stay home, 'cause I found his replacement. *chuckles*
Steven *excitedly* Really?!
Sadie Oh, no. That was a joke.
Steven I know we both love Lars... (Sadie's eyes widen in shock.) But... *starts speaking fastly* This job is the best thing to ever happen to me and we should fire Lars.
Sadie We can’t "fire Lars".
Steven *bends downs* Ugh. *looks up suspiciously* Why not?
Sadie Well, you know, he may do things like come in late, and leave all the really hard work for me but... (Steven stares suspiciously.) Look, I like Lars, h—he’s a nice guy... once you get to know him. There was this one time when the new "Army of War" game was coming out, but Lars was banned from the only place selling it. *laughs* He wanted it SO bad. So who does he beg to stand in line for SEVEN hours? Me. I didn’t think much of it, but when I got to his house I saw he cleaned up his room a little, and he got a big box of Oyster crackers. They’re my favorite. He let me be his Player Two, and we spent the whole night together. *stares admiringly into her coffee*
Steven That really is nice... Must’ve been one great video game.
Sadie *snaps back* Yeah, it was...
Steven Maybe we could do something nice for Lars?
[Trans. Ext. Lars' House]
(Sadie and Steven walk to Lars’ house with a large box of donuts as Steven sings in tune of "Do or Do Nut".)
Steven Donuts! D-d-donuts! Donuts donuts donuts, donuts donuts donuts...!
Sadie I thought you wanted this to be a surprise? He can hear us a mile away.
(Steven stops singing as he and Sadie approach Lars’ front door.)
Steven But the Donut fever’s fried my soul. Ah-hahaha. *hair gets rustled by Sadie* Huh? *notices the Fish Stew Pizza Car parked out front* Aw, he’s already ordered pizza.
(Steven and Sadie then hear Lars laughing from his backyard. They peek over and find him jumping and bouncing on a trampoline with Jenny, Sour Cream and Buck Dewey.)
Jenny *bumps into Lars* Oof. Hey, Lars, thanks for inviting us over.
Lars It’s no problem. *dorky laugh* 'Cause I got the whole day off, by faking a severe back injury! (Both Jenny and Sour Cream high-five him.)
Steven *disgusted* Ughh, he was faking this whole— *notices an emotionally distraught Sadie*
(Emotionally pained, and on the verge of tears, Sadie, shaking with Lars’ gift in her hands, sees that she has been noticed in a vulnerable state and tosses the box of donuts on the ground. She starts to run off, taking slight recoil at seeing Jenny’s car once more before Steven manages to catch up with her.)
Steven *grabs Sadie's arm* Uh, don’t worry! We can handle the Big Donut. Who needs crummy old Lars?
Sadie Steven! He’s made a fool of me! IDIOT! *starts crying* He’s burned me before... Just once, I’d like to burn him back!
Steven I know how to burn people! Wait right here— *realizes and turns back to Sadie* Actually, this might take a while, you better go home. See you tomorrow at work! *runs off*
[Trans. Int. Big Donut]
(The next day, Sadie is watching Canine Court while eating oyster crackers when Steven bursts into the room.)
Steven Fire Salt! Burn, burn people! *puts a donut in front of Sadie and attempts to add the salt onto it*
Sadie *snatches the vial of Fire Salt from Steven* You know we can’t add anything to the donuts!
Steven It’s just a little fire salt. I was gonna prank Lars.
Sadie He did really hurt my feelings... a little. But what kind of person does that make you, if you try to hurt him back?
Steven A... hero?
(The front door bell goes off as Lars enters the store, groaning in false pain. Steven and Sadie are able to see him enter though the glass donut cabinet.)
Lars Huu! Oh, my back! Sadie? I finally got out of bed but I don’t think I can work today, either... Sadie? Don’t make me walk all the way to the break room.
(Enraged, Sadie applies the whole vial of the Fire Salt to the top of the donut*
Steven Sadie! This is gonna be soo funny
Lars Yo, Sadie, where you at? Are you slacking off?
Sadie *coldly* Lars.
Steven Hi, Lars!
Lars Why is Steven in a Donut suit?
Sadie Don’t worry about that. How’s your back?
Lars Actually it still hurts like—
Sadie Really?
Lars No, no, it's cool. I know I can count on you to help, "P2".
Sadie Sure. Just relax, in fact, why don’t you have a donut? *presents the donut dosed in Fire Salt*
Lars Yeah, alright.
Sadie Careful, it's a little hot. (Steven’s excitement builds up.)
Lars *takes a bite* Hey, this is pretty good, is this a new flavor or something?
Steven *cracks up* Hahahaha, she said— she said "it's hot"!
(At that moment, Lars’ face swells up and he begins to breathe a persistent stream of fire, lighting the store aflame as he yells in panic.)
Sadie *runs to a fire extinguisher on a wall* Steven, help Lars!
Steven Lars, drink this! *hands Lars a cup of soda, which he burns before he can consume*
(In pain, Lars flees the store while holding his breath.)
Sadie No, Lars! Come back! *puts out a fire before the sprinklers in the store come on* Steven, I didn’t want this.
Steven I know how to fix this! We just need to get Lars to calm down.
Sadie How are we gonna find him?
[Trans. Ext. Beach City]
(Steven and Sadie follow the path of flames as they pursue Lars through the streets, continuously breathing fire.)
Steven I think he went this way!
(Mayor Dewey is holding a conference by a statue of himself and a giant bowl of ice cream.)
Mayor Dewey ... And of the many treasures of our wonderful city, this is certainly one of the sweetest. As Mayor, I’m proud to unveil this, the largest bowl of ice cream in Beach county! Yes, let’s all scream— *checks a slip sheet* for ice cream.
(The crowd applauds Mayor Dewey, when Lars suddenly charges in and flings himself into the bowl of ice cream, hoping to cool himself, but only causing the ice cream to melt entirely and cover the citizens. He then takes off running again.)
Mayor Dewey *takes out his phone* Yeah, it melted, Gary. (Gary responds.) Well, you should’ve said that at the meeting!
[Trans. Ext. Funland Arcade]
(Lars falls on the boardwalk in front of the Funland Arcade. Steven and Sadie catches up and finds Amethyst to still be in her exact same position as the day before and eating fries.)
Steven Amethyst! *catches breath*
Amethyst Hey, why’s donut guy breathing fire?
Steven I tried to prank Lars but I used too much Fire Salt!
Amethyst Steven... that’s hilarious. *eats fries*
Lars *struggling to talk, getting out words in between fire breaths* YOU... DID... THIS... TO ME?!?!
(Lars begins chasing Steven around, setting the boardwalk aflame in the process, as Amethyst looks on, greatly amused and laughing away. Lars eventually catches up to Steven and grabs onto the tail of his shirt.)
Sadie It wasn't Steven! *approaches Lars* It was me.
(Lars appears surprised and lets Steven go.)
Amethyst Ohhh, now it's gettin’ good!
Sadie After all I do for you, you LIE to me? So you can sneak off with some other girl?!
Steven And other boys!
(Lars, still struggling to breathe, glares at Steven who quickly retreats behind a streetlight.)
Sadie *tearing up* That night we played video games, I don’t know what it meant to you. But ever since then, I can’t get the thought out of my head that you’re a good person. *grabs Lars' hand* That night, I really thought... Player Two. Is that just your way of saying I could’ve been anyone?
Lars *attempting to speak without breathing fire* Sa-die- *starts coughing*
Steven *hears Lars coughing and rushes towards him* "If a customer chokes on a donut, state law requires that you assist them! Take both hands, push below the di-a-phragm!"
(Steven pounces onto Lars and performs the Heimlich maneuver on him, causing him to cough out a portion of the Fire Salt dosed donut. Sadie then puts it, and all the fire, out with the fire extinguisher.)
Steven Another day saved by Steven Universe! With bonus musical styling of Harold Smiley. *turns to Lars* You're welcome.
(Lars, ignoring Steven, ashamedly approaches Sadie who is putting out the fires, with his head turned away from facing her.)
Sadie I'm not apologizing.
Lars *still coughing up smoke with a strained voice* No! I wanna help. But I get it if you wanna be alone.
Sadie Oh, no no no, stay. I me— I mean, you can help. But, first, let's get you some water, and maybe get you out of those burnt shirts.
(Sadie and Lars start to walk off along the boardwalk as Steven and Amethyst look on.)
Amethyst Hey, we make a pretty great team.
Steven ... You were absolutely no help whatsoever.
(The star iris starts zooming in on Amethyst, simply just eating away with her fries.)
Amethyst ... Eh.
[END]


ve Transcripts
Pilot Pilot
Season 1 A: Gem GlowLaser Light CannonCheeseburger BackpackTogether BreakfastFryboCat FingersBubble BuddiesSerious StevenTiger MillionaireSteven's LionArcade ManiaGiant WomanSo Many BirthdaysLars and the Cool KidsOnion TradeSteven the Sword FighterLion 2: The MovieBeach PartyRose's RoomCoach StevenJoking VictimSteven and the StevensMonster BuddiesAn Indirect KissMirror Gem/Ocean Gem

B: House GuestSpace RaceSecret TeamIsland AdventureKeep Beach City WeirdFusion CuisineGarnet's UniverseWatermelon StevenLion 3: Straight to VideoWarp TourAlone TogetherThe TestFuture VisionOn the RunHorror ClubWinter ForecastMaximum CapacityMarble MadnessRose's ScabbardOpen BookShirt ClubStory for StevenThe MessagePolitical PowerThe Return/Jail Break

Season 2 Full DisclosureJoy RideSay UncleLove LettersReformedSworn to the SwordRising Tides, Crashing SkiesKeeping It TogetherWe Need to TalkChille TidCry for HelpKeystone MotelOnion FriendHistorical FrictionFriend ShipNightmare HospitalSadie's SongCatch and ReleaseWhen It RainsBack to the BarnToo FarThe AnswerSteven's BirthdayIt Could've Been GreatMessage ReceivedLog Date 7 15 2
Season 3 Super Watermelon Island/Gem DrillSame Old WorldBarn MatesHit the DiamondSteven FloatsDrop Beat DadMr. GregToo Short to RideThe New LarsBeach City DriftRestaurant WarsKiki's Pizza Delivery ServiceMonster ReunionAlone at SeaGreg the BabysitterGem HuntCrack the WhipSteven vs. AmethystBismuthBetaEarthlingsBack to the MoonBubbled
Season 4 The Kindergarten KidKnow Your FusionBuddy's BookMindful EducationFuture Boy ZoltronLast One Out of Beach CityOnion GangGem HarvestThree Gems and a BabySteven's DreamAdventures in Light DistortionGem HeistThe ZooThat Will Be AllThe New Crystal GemsStorm in the RoomRocknaldoTiger PhilanthropistRoom for RubyLion 4: Alternate EndingDoug OutThe Good LarsAre You My Dad?I Am My Mom
Season 5 Stuck TogetherThe TrialOff ColorsLars' HeadDewey WinsGemcationRaising the BarnBack to the KindergartenSadie KillerKevin PartyLars of the StarsJungle MoonYour Mother and MineThe Big ShowPool HoppingLetters to LarsCan't Go BackA Single Pale RoseNow We're Only Falling ApartWhat's Your Problem?The QuestionMade of HonorReunitedLegs From Here to HomeworldFamiliarTogether AloneEscapismChange Your Mind
Film Steven Universe: The Movie
Season 6 TBA
Shorts Lion Loves to Fit in a BoxThe Classroom Gems: What Are Gems?We Are the Crystal GemsThe Classroom Gems: How Are Gems Made?UnboxingThe Classroom Gems: FusionCooking with LionGem KaraokeSteven ReactsVideo ChatSteven's Song Time
Other Crossover Nexus
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