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This is a transcribed copy of "Keep Beach City Weird". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Island Adventure" Next: "Fusion Cuisine"
Speaker Dialogue
[Open Ext. Beach House]
(Steven is seen running up to his house, fleeing from something.)
Steven Pearl!
Pearl *rushes outside the house with her spear, ready for combat* Hyungh!
Steven Help me, save me, help me! *jumps and clings onto Pearl* Save me!
(Garnet and Amethyst, who are shapeshifted into Steven, appear and start running around Pearl while laughing.)
Pearl What on Earth?!
Steven *pokes Pearl's forehead* Tag! You're it.
Pearl Care to explain— Ugh! (Steven puts his finger in Pearl's mouth, and she quickly pulls away.) ...What's going on here?
Amethyst It's Steven Tag! Steven tagged you, now you have to turn into Steven.
Garnet It's the rules.
Pearl Ugh. Oh, please.
Steven *disappointed* Awww, no fair!
Amethyst Sooooo, that means we're out of players. *turns to Garnet* Get ready for Steven Tag Advance! *tries to tackle-tag Garnet*
(Garnet dodges Amethyst's tackle, grabs her and throws her up into the sky. Garnet then leaps up and slaps Amethyst back downwards.)
Garnet Tag.
Amethyst Wahhhh! *crashes onto the beach*
(Steven, Garnet and Pearl look over from the house porch at Amethyst, lying in a crater in the sand.)
Amethyst *gets up* Ungh...
Garnet *smiles* Garnet wins.
[Trans. Int. Beach]
(Steven strolls along the beach, singing the "Steven Tag Song".)
Ronaldo STOP!
(Steven is suddenly halted by Ronaldo, wearing a military style outfit and hiding behind a rock.)
Ronaldo This is a restricted zone! *tries to shoo Steven away* Only those with special clearance may enter!
Steven ... May, I have special clearance?
Ronaldo Hmmmm... *glares at Steven* Granted.
(Ronaldo has Steven put on clear bags over his hands and feet, and begins rummaging into a duffel bag.)
Ronaldo Now that you're properly suited, let's investigate! *hands Steven a pair of binoculars* See those holes? (Steven looks through the binoculars and sees several holes on the cliff face.) Their shape and pattern is repeated over and over. *takes a picture with his phone* Some might say it's a coincidence. I say there's something... more.
Steven Like what? A double coincidence?
Ronaldo You'd already be in the know if you followed my blog, "Keep Beach City Weird"! *shows Steven his blog on his phone* I document all the weird thing that happen in Beach City! You can't always trust facts and books. I'm out here hunting the TRUTH!
Peedee Oh, there you are! *runs over* Dad wants you back at the shop! You're missing out on valuable frying time!
Ronaldo It's weird time, Peedee! I'm doing big stuff! Cover for me!
Peedee Fine. But this is the last time, or I’m telling Dad. *walks away mumbling angrily* "Big stuff", I'll give you "big stuff".
Ronaldo *turns to Steven* So... you wanna get your hands really dirty? (Steven takes the clear bags off his hands.) Then follow me.
Steven Yeah!
[Trans. Int. BC Boardwalk]
(Steven and Ronaldo walk along the boardwalk.)
Steven *peering through the binoculars* I can’t wait to find something paranormal.
Ronaldo *holding a detection device* Shh! I’m picking up a quantum flux on the weirdometer. There. *points to a chuck of jagged red rocks on the boardwalk*
Steven Whoaaaa, did they fall from the sky?
Ronaldo My research suggests, they grew up from the ground.
[Trans. Ext. Big Donut]
(Steven and Ronaldo explores another side of town.)
Steven *rushes to a garbage bin covered in flower petals* Ronaldo! Look at this!
Ronaldo According to an online encyclopedia, in which I am a user/editor of, this species isn’t indigenous to this region... or this dimension! *makes a dramatic face and echoes* -sion-sion-sion!
[Trans. Ext. BC Fries]
(Steven and Ronaldo walk back along the boardwalk outside BC Fries.)
Ronaldo We live in a strange world, Steven. Stranger than most know, stranger than they care to know. Take my brother for instance. *looks over to Peedee, working at the BC Fries counter* He’s always getting on my case, telling me to work more. He'll never understand, but Steven, I can tell you're like me.
Steven Yeah!
Ronaldo I know you're someone I can trust...
[Trans. Int. The Lighthouse]
(Steven and Ronaldo approach the Lighthouse atop the temple’s cliff and starts climbing up the stairs of the lighthouse.)
Ronaldo You're ready for what I've found. The cause of Beach City's paranormal activity.
Steven Wait, what?
Ronaldo *leads Steven to the lantern room at the top of the lighthouse* Welcome to my office, go that way. Welcome... to the truth!
(Steven walks around the lantern in the room and sees a large notice board with several newspaper clips and “Snake People” written in large letters on it.)
Ronaldo Snake People, or "sneople", control our government at the highest levels! Look! *shows Steven a dollar bill* The snake represents their hold on our country. The diamond represents their underground mines, or their sharp teeth... The details aren’t important. They pit us mammals against each other with elections, sports, and anime message boards. We spend so much time fighting over "dubs" or "subs" that we miss the big picture!
Steven *in awe* What's that?
Ronaldo That the world is under their control.
(Steven leaves the Lighthouse, deep in thought, when he encounters a small garden snake nearby, which hisses and slithers away.)
Steven AAAAAAAH! *runs away*
[Trans. Int. Beach House]
(Steven bursts into the house, exhausted, and slams the door behind him.)
Pearl Steven, don't slam the door!
Steven Amethyst, Pearl, we need to snake-proof the house!
Pearl Why?
Steven To stop the snake people!
Amethyst Uh, "snake people"? *chuckles*
Steven *blushes angrily* What’s so funny about sneople? Look at this!
(Steven takes out his phone and shows Pearl and Amethyst Ronaldo's blog, displaying a picture of the holes in the cliff face.)
Pearl That must be from when we fought those drill parasites on the beach.
Steven Wha?!... Well, what about this? *shows a picture of the red rock chunks on the boardwalk*
Amethyst That looks like pieces of that Red Eye we blew up!
Steven Well, what about this!? *shows a picture of a garbage bin covered in flower petals*
Pearl Aww, it’s the flowers from Rose's moss.
Steven *slaps his head in revelation* Is all the weird stuff that happens in Beach City because of us?
Pearl Well, yeah, obviously.
Steven I need some air.
[Trans. Ext. Beach House]
(Steven leaves the house to the porch and finds Ronaldo on the beach, investigating the crater formed earlier by the Gems.)
Steven Ronaldo?
Ronaldo *putting a cast on the crater* Steven! Did you see this crater? I think the snake people might have left it as a sign.
Steven *approaches apologetically* Yeah. Uh, Ronaldo?
Ronaldo *makes an anime-esque happy face* Yes, Steven?
Steven Are you... totally sure about this “snake people” thing?
Ronaldo *happy expression quickly fades away* Steven, are you having doubts?
Steven Not really just... doubts. I found out that those weird holes in the cliff were just something me and the Gems did.
Ronaldo Well, okay, but those red rocks...
Steven That was us.
Ronaldo But the flowers...
Steven Us too.
Ronaldo But- But the truth!
Steven Maybe the truth just isn’t what you thought it was.
Ronaldo Sure it is! Don't get hung up on these minor facts. Truth is about more than that, truth is a feeling in your gut that you know is true! Truth is searching for anything that proves you're right no matter how small, and holding on to that, no matter what.
Steven That kinda sounds like the opposite of truth.
Ronaldo Look! The proof! This cast will show the true face of this conspiracy. *holds up cast from the crate, which looks exactly like Steven* Oh, wha-huh?
Steven That’s probably from Steven Tag.
Ronaldo What?! *gets disappointed*
Steven It’s a game where, when I tag one of the Gems, they-
Ronaldo *halts Steven* I'm really not at the center of anything... I'm nothing...
(Ronaldo walks away in despair, dragging along the cast on the sand. It then hits a rock and breaks apart as Ronaldo keeps walking off.)
[Trans. Int. Beach House]
(Steven slouches on the couch in the living room, browsing Ronaldo's blog on his phone and finding out it has been shut down.)
Pearl What's wrong, Steven?
Steven I think I broke Ronaldo's heart.
Pearl Oh, Steven. Humans just lead short, boring, insignificant lives, so they make up stories to feel like they're a part of something bigger. They want to blame all the world's problems on some single enemy they can fight, instead of a complex network of interrelated forces beyond anyone's control.
Amethyst It's sad, and funny.
Pearl Don't feel bad about it, okay? It's not like he was ever going to be right.
(Steven looks at a coin on the table, which has a snake emblem on it, and has an idea. Pearl begins washing the dishes when she hears the door opening.)
Pearl Steven, where are you going?
Steven *holding something* I'm gonna go fix Ronaldo! I'll be back in an hour.
[Trans. Ext. BC Fries]
(Peedee is peeling potatoes in the back of the shop when Ronaldo comes out of the shop to take out the trash.)
Peedee Yo, Ronaldo! (Ronaldo remains silent.) Ehhh, so... see anything weird lately?
Ronaldo *unshaven and depressed* No, everything's... normal.
(Steven then appears and approaches Peedee and Ronaldo in a snake costume.)
Steven *hisses* Snake men are real, and we're puppeting the gov’ment! *hisses*
Peedee Ahh!
(Peedee hides his face in fright. A startled Ronaldo starts laughing hysterically and slowly approaches Steven. He then retrieves a potato from his shirt and hits Steven over the head with it, knocking him out.)
[Trans. Int. Lighthouse, at Night]
(Steven slowly wakes up, still in his snake costume... finding himself back in the Lighthouse and chained to a chair. Ronaldo then starts interrogating Steven while Peedee records with a hand-held camcorder.)
Ronaldo Wakey wakey, Mr. Snakey...! *uses a flashlight to examine Steven's eyes* Wave forms seem typical for a twelfth dimensional being of this size. *examines the costume's arms with his flashlight* Arms appear to be, vestigial.
Peedee *shivering* U-Uhh, R-R-Ronaldo? Is that... one of the monster people you've been hunting?
Ronaldo No, no, not "monster", Peedee, "snerson". It's very scientific! But still, better safe than sorry. *hands Peedee a potato*
Peedee What’s this for?
Ronaldo For me! In case the amphibianoids turn my body into a host vessel!
Peedee No! *drops the potato and cowers, starting to tear up*
Ronaldo Peedee, Peedee, Peedee! You gotta look at the big picture here! Something important is finally happening to me!
(The wall of the Lighthouse suddenly breaks apart and the Gems burst in, fully armed.)
Garnet Hello.
Pearl We know you have our Steven! (Garnet holds her back.)
Amethyst Give him up, curly! (Garnet holds her back too.) Grrrr...! *starts barking*
Ronaldo *gasps* You snake people. Hiding like cowards in your false humanoid exteriors! Steven’s got nothing to do with this, it's me you want! *reveals an breastplate under his shirt*
(Amethyst quickly kicks him in the face, causing him to fly backwards onto the ground. He quickly recovers and charges at the Gems with a punch. Pearl easily blocks it with her hand, causing his hand to hurt.)
Ronaldo *holding his hand in pain* AAAAAH! Aah! Aah! YOU SNONSTERS! (Garnet throws a barrel over his head.) AAAAH!
(The Gems continue to attack Ronaldo while Steven continues to struggle. He then manages to wriggle free from the chair and slips off of his costume.)
Peedee *notices* Steven!
Ronaldo *visibly injured* Okay, okay! You've forced me to use my ultimate weapon! Stand back! Psychic Ghost Powers... Activate!
(Hysterically, Ronaldo begins chanting gibberish, and the Gems brace themselves for an attack. Steven then jumps in between them.)
Steven Everybody stop! I'm okay!
Garnet Nice pants.
Amethyst *chuckles*
Ronaldo Steven, your legs! When did they get to you?
Steven Ronaldo, it's not real! *tosses his costume on the ground, annoyed* It was just me... again.
Ronaldo That... makes no sense. *rummages through the costume while Peedee looks on, embarrassed*
Steven I just wanted to inspire Ronaldo to be weird again.
Ronaldo No! It- It just isn't that simple! There's got to be more to it than just... you.
(The Crystal Gems look away in uncertainty and Ronaldo starts stressing out.)
Peedee But there is more! Steven is just uh... *rummages through Ronaldo's papers* uh... A small piece of the puzzle! Look at this! I think its gotta be uh, level 8 beings pulling the strings.
Ronaldo Get real, Peedee. *pauses* Level 8 beings are a worker society incapable of such organization... whoa, wait a minute! *spread the papers out to the ground* How did I never see this before? *scans through the papers and peers at a dollar bill* I know what the diamond means... Polymorphic sentient rocks!
(Ronaldo starts laughing hysterically at his new realization, as Peedee and the Crystal Gems sneak out of the Lighthouse.)
Steven Are you sure he’ll be better like that?
Peedee Yeah, he's happy, ya know?
Steven Yeah.
[Trans. Ext. Lighthouse]
(Peedee and the Crystal Gems begin walking down the hill, with Steven riding on Pearl’s back, and Garnet pets his head. Ronaldo remains in the Lighthouse, standing at the balcony and yelling aloud.)
Ronaldo They're here to hollow out the Earth! It's part of the Great Diamond Authority! They’ll take on any form, you can read all about it... ON MY BLOOOG!!!
(The star iris then zooms in on Ronaldo, ending the episode.)

ve Transcripts
Pilot Pilot
Season 1 A: Gem GlowLaser Light CannonCheeseburger BackpackTogether BreakfastFryboCat FingersBubble BuddiesSerious StevenTiger MillionaireSteven's LionArcade ManiaGiant WomanSo Many BirthdaysLars and the Cool KidsOnion TradeSteven the Sword FighterLion 2: The MovieBeach PartyRose's RoomCoach StevenJoking VictimSteven and the StevensMonster BuddiesAn Indirect KissMirror Gem/Ocean Gem

B: House GuestSpace RaceSecret TeamIsland AdventureKeep Beach City WeirdFusion CuisineGarnet's UniverseWatermelon StevenLion 3: Straight to VideoWarp TourAlone TogetherThe TestFuture VisionOn the RunHorror ClubWinter ForecastMaximum CapacityMarble MadnessRose's ScabbardOpen BookShirt ClubStory for StevenThe MessagePolitical PowerThe Return/Jail Break

Season 2 Full DisclosureJoy RideSay UncleLove LettersReformedSworn to the SwordRising Tides, Crashing SkiesKeeping It TogetherWe Need to TalkChille TidCry for HelpKeystone MotelOnion FriendHistorical FrictionFriend ShipNightmare HospitalSadie's SongCatch and ReleaseWhen It RainsBack to the BarnToo FarThe AnswerSteven's BirthdayIt Could've Been GreatMessage ReceivedLog Date 7 15 2
Season 3 Super Watermelon Island/Gem DrillSame Old WorldBarn MatesHit the DiamondSteven FloatsDrop Beat DadMr. GregToo Short to RideThe New LarsBeach City DriftRestaurant WarsKiki's Pizza Delivery ServiceMonster ReunionAlone at SeaGreg the BabysitterGem HuntCrack the WhipSteven vs. AmethystBismuthBetaEarthlingsBack to the MoonBubbled
Season 4 The Kindergarten KidKnow Your FusionBuddy's BookMindful EducationFuture Boy ZoltronLast One Out of Beach CityOnion GangGem HarvestThree Gems and a BabySteven's DreamAdventures in Light DistortionGem HeistThe ZooThat Will Be AllThe New Crystal GemsStorm in the RoomRocknaldoTiger PhilanthropistRoom for RubyLion 4: Alternate EndingDoug OutThe Good LarsAre You My Dad?I Am My Mom
Season 5 Stuck TogetherThe TrialOff ColorsLars' HeadDewey WinsGemcationRaising the BarnBack to the KindergartenSadie KillerKevin PartyLars of the StarsJungle MoonYour Mother and MineThe Big ShowPool HoppingLetters to LarsCan't Go BackA Single Pale RoseNow We're Only Falling ApartWhat's Your Problem?The QuestionMade of HonorReunitedLegs From Here to HomeworldFamiliarTogether AloneEscapismChange Your Mind
Film Steven Universe: The Movie
Future Little HomeschoolGuidanceRose BudsVolleyballBluebirdA Very Special EpisodeSnow DayWhy So Blue?Little GraduationPrickly PairIn DreamsBismuth CasualTogether ForeverGrowing PainsMr. UniverseFragmentsHomeworld BoundEverything's FineI Am My MonsterThe Future
Shorts Lion Loves to Fit in a BoxThe Classroom Gems: What Are Gems?We Are the Crystal GemsThe Classroom Gems: How Are Gems Made?UnboxingThe Classroom Gems: FusionCooking with LionGem KaraokeSteven ReactsVideo ChatSteven's Song Time
Other We Deserve to ShineCrossover Nexus