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This is a transcribed copy of "Laser Light Cannon". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Gem Glow" Next: "Cheeseburger Backpack"
Speaker Dialogue
[Open Ext. Beach Citywalk Fries]
(Steven and Amethyst run towards the counter of Beach Citywalk Fries, as Mr. Fryman is entering the building.)
Steven Hey, Fryman, give me the bits!
Mr. Fryman *flips a "We're Closed!" sign* Steven, we're closed.
Steven *disappointed* Aww, what?
Amethyst *hits counter* Give 'em the bits! *chants while continuously hitting the counter* The BITS. The BITS.
(Steven joins in the chanting.)
Steven & Amethyst *both chanting* The BITS! The BITS! The BITS! *banging on counter*
Mr. Fryman Okay, okay! Take it easy on the counter, will ya? *goes to retrieve the fry bits*
Steven & Amethyst Yes! *hi-fives*
Mr. Fryman *empties the bits into a paper bag* I can give you actual fries if you want. *hands the bag to Steven*
Steven Just the bits, please. *takes the bag* Thanks! *Amethyst and him start walking away while eating the bits* Ah, sunset, my favorite time of day. When the sun goes down, and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky.
Amethyst *bursts out laughing* Yeah, that big hot second su— *long gasps, noticing a strange orb in the sky* Oh no, what is that doing here?
Steven Huh? What is it? (Amethyst picks him up, causing him to drop the bag of bits.) Ah, my bits! (Amethyst carries him away.
[Trans. beach near Crystal Temple]
(Garnet and Pearl, looking through a telescope, are observing the strange orb.)
Garnet This is bad.
Pearl Look at the size of it, I had no idea these things were so big!
Amethyst Garnet! Pearl! *running towards them carrying Steven*
Pearl *visibly annoyed* We saw. Some of us are trying to protect humanity. Where were you?
Amethyst *puts Steven down* ... Eating fry bits. (Pearl groans.)
Steven Oh, can I see? *peers through the telescope* Woah. (The orb rotates and opens into a eye.) It's a giant eyeball! Awesome!
Pearl NOT awesome! It's a Red Eye!
Steven A red eye?! It's going to infect us all!
Garnet That's pink eye, Steven. (Amethyst laughs.)
Pearl It's going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious, innocent people! We have to stop it.
Steven What are we going to do?
Garnet *adjusts her visor* The only thing powerful enough to destroy it is a Laser Cannon that belonged to Rose Quartz.
Steven My mom?
Amethyst *moans* If Rose were here, this would be so easy.
Pearl I know, but she's not, and the cannon is missing. We'll have to find another solution.
Steven If it belonged to my mom, I bet my dad knows where it is. He can help us save the day! (The Crystal Gems are speechless.) Huh? Ehh!?
Pearl Greg is... nice, Steven, but I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon.
Amethyst Your dad is kind of a mess, Steven. *puts her hand on Steven's shoulder*
Pearl Amethyst!
Amethyst I'm just sayin', even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now.
Garnet True.
Steven No way, I'm sure he's just keeping it somewhere safe. I'll go ask him.
Garnet We can handle this, Steven. *to Amethyst* Ready?
(Amethyst nods. Garnet picks her up, leaps into the air and tosses her at the Red Eye. Amethyst hits it with no impact at all and falls into the ocean. Garnet and Pearl are dumbfounded.)
Steven Ugh... I'm gonna go.
Pearl ... Okay, good luck.
[Ext. It's a Wash]
Steven *banging on the back doors of a van* Dad, it's me! Dad, are you in there? *starts ramming into it* Wake- UP! We have to save the WORLD! *climbs onto the van and start stomping on it* Dad! *trips and sets off the van's alarm, which he smiles at*
Greg *bursts out of the van* Who's there?! I have a waffle iron! *wielding a waffle iron*
Steven Dad, it's me!
Greg *turns around and sees him, as he drops the waffle iron and shuts the van alarm off* Steven? (Steven jumps down of the van and hugs him.) I almost waffled your face! What are you doing up so late?
Steven What do you mean? The sun just went down an hour ago.
Greg Oh, heh. *embarrassed* It was a... slow day at the car wash. Anyway, what's up? Just needed to see your old man? Pal around? Learn some lessons about life?
Steven *blushes* No! I need the light cannon that belonged to Mom, to blow up that eyeball!
Greg Eyeball?
Steven That! *points at the Red Eye*
(Amethyst is seen flying and yelling towards the Red Eye, hitting it, and falling back into the ocean again.)
Greg Wait, is that a magical thing? The Gems told me not to get involved with magic stuff. It... it could be dangerous or interfere with what's left of my hair. *rubs the back of his head*
Steven But they need Mom's cannon. You've gotta know where it is, like a cave dungeon or a cloud fortress, or in a clam at the bottom of the ocean!
(Greg puts up the waffle iron on the ground, throws it into the van and shuts the doors.)
Greg Well, I don't know about all that. But I have an idea where it might be.
[Ext. U-Stor]
Steven A magical storage unit! *runs towards the storage building*
Greg Ha, not exactly. But some would say there's magic inside. *winks at Steven, who looks at him cluelessly* It's just a shed I use to keep things that don't fit in the van. If it's anywhere, it'll be in here.
(Greg opens the door and reveals a shed filled to the brim with boxes and clutter. Steven tries to make his way in, but the first few boxes collapse in front of him.)
Steven If I'm going in there, I'm gonna need some gear. *ties a flashlight to his head with a nearby sock, and an electric cord wrapped around his waist* Here I go.
Greg *holding the other end of the cord* Good luck!
Steven *crawls into the shed* Woah, cool! It's like a dad museum. *ventures deeper and notices a long object on the floor* There it is! *pulls it out, revealing to be a golf bag* Do you golf?
Greg Eh, I'd like to think of myself as someone who would golf... eventually.
Steven *sets the golf bag upright and notices another slender object* Hmm, yes! *sweeps off the various junk on top of it* A drum. *pats it once and continues rummaging deeper* No, no... *gasps* Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Is this— *shoots a cannon-like object, the projectile unravels into a shirt* “Buy T-Shirt Cannons”? *notices a box full of CDs near him* Hey, there's a bunch of copies of your old CD!
Greg Huh. Oh, man, I couldn't give those things away. You know, before I ran the car wash, when I was a one-man band, I traveled the whole country.
Steven *chuckles as he keeps one of the CDs in his pocket* I know, Dad.
Greg When I came to play a concert here in Beach City, no one showed up except—
Greg No, it was your mother.
Steven Hahaha, I know. *crawls deeper into the shed*
Greg And we were always together after that. Until she gave up her physical form to bring you into the world. I don't know what a magic lady like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me.
Steven *accidentally steps on a photo frame of Greg and Rose and gasps* Uh, Dad, I broke a photo.
Greg It's okay buddy. If every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
Steven *something begins to glow near him* Huh? *gasps* The light cannon!
Greg *looking at Red Eye, nearer than before* Oh boy, that thing's giving me the willies. *scratching his chest*
Steven Dad, I found it!
Greg Really?
Steven *ties the electric cord around the cannon* Get the van! (With the other end tied to his van, Greg pulls the cannon out of the shed, along with all his other possessions, which collapse afterwards.) This thing could save the city, we've gotta get it to the beach!
Greg How? It's too big for the van. *a wagon rolls by*
(Greg ties the wagon to the van with the electric cord. Steven and Greg lift the heavy cannon.)
Greg Easy does it. (They drop the cannon onto the wagon, and its base breaks from the cannon's weight. Steven and Greg are speechless.)
[Int. Greg's Van]
(Steven and Greg are driving to the beach, dragging the cannon with the damaged wagon.)
Steven Is it gonna be okay?
Greg *shrugs* If every pork chop were perfect—
Steven *chimes in* We wouldn't have hot dogs!
Greg *watches the Red Eye getting bigger* That thing's getting huge, it's freaking me out!
Steven Can't the van go any faster?
Greg *steps the van accelerator* This is faster!
Steven Don't worry. Come on, let's put on your CD. *holds up the CD he retrieved earlier*
Greg *embarrassed* What? Really? Come on, you've heard it.
Steven *chuckles* You come on. *inserts disc*
("Let Me Drive My Van (into Your Heart)" starts to play. Greg is visibly embarrassed. Steven starts to bounce and sing to the song. The van drives past Sadie, Lars and Mr. Smiley, all looking at the Red Eye, which has turned the environment into a red hue. The song continues to play in the background as they drive up next to Garnet and Pearl at the beach.)
Amethyst *gets washed up back on shore* Throw me again, I think I'm cracking it. *notices Steven, Greg and the cannon* Is that...?
Steven Hey, guys!
Pearl *gasps* He really had it!
Amethyst We're SAVED!!!
Pearl, Amethyst, and Garnet Woah!
(Destruction begins to ensure as everything is being pulled away by the Red Eye's gravitational force, such as the Beach House, electric poles and the Beach Citywalk Fries.)
Mr. Fryman Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy! (The building's sign gets ripped off, and Mr. Fryman dodges out of its way.)
[Trans. Beach]
Garnet We have to use it now.
Pearl I don't know how it works, it was Rose's!
Steven Dad, how do we use it? (Greg shrugs.)
Pearl *grabs Steven's shoulders* Steven, this is serious! *epiphanised* The gem. You have Rose's gem!
Amethyst That's it! *lifts Steven and start rubbing him against the cannon* Ahhh, come on!
Garnet Stop that.
Pearl It's no use.
Amethyst Fine, forget it. Throw me again! *jumps onto Garnet's arm*
Pearl That's not going to work.
(The gravitational pull intensifies and starts to pull the van and the cannon too.)
Greg I got this. *unties the cord from the cannon, as the van continues to be pulled* Ugh, wait, nope, maybe I don't! *gets dragged along with the van*
Steven *starts banging on the cannon* Please work- unlock- activate- go- please! Everyone's counting on you, you can't just be useless! I know you can help.
Greg It's okay, Steven. We'll figure out something else, something even better.
Steven R-r-r-right, if every pork chop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs.
(The cannon starts to glow and activate. Steven loses his grip and falls onto the ground.)
Pearl It's working!
(The cannon's hinges unlock and the barrel falls onto the ground. The Crystal Gems gasp as it begins to prime itself. Steven tries to lift the cannon himself, and the Crystal Gems help in.)
Pearl Steven!
Amethyst This is it!
(The cannon fires a rose-shaped beam at the Red Eye, shattering and destroying it. Shrapnel from the blast begin to fall around the beach and destroying parts of the city boardwalk.)
Amethyst Steven, you just saved most of Beach City!
Steven *to Mr. Fryman* Sorry about that!
Mr. Fryman *yells back* What?
Pearl How did you get it to work?
Steven I just said that thing that Dad always says.
Pearl That thing about pork rinds?
Garnet *pats on Pearl's shoulder* Hot dogs.
Greg Rose... *wipes away a tear*
(The tide suddenly raises in and everyone starts laughing. Greg notices his van getting washed past him by the tide.)
Greg My van!
Steven It's okay, Dad, if every pork chop were perfect—
Greg I live in there! *rushes towards the van*
Steven Wait up! *chases after*
Greg Oh geez, wait, wait, wait!
(Greg and Steven slowly track through the water towards the van, slowly being washed towards the ocean. The star iris zooms in on the van, ending the episode.)

ve Transcripts
Pilot Pilot
Season 1 A: Gem GlowLaser Light CannonCheeseburger BackpackTogether BreakfastFryboCat FingersBubble BuddiesSerious StevenTiger MillionaireSteven's LionArcade ManiaGiant WomanSo Many BirthdaysLars and the Cool KidsOnion TradeSteven the Sword FighterLion 2: The MovieBeach PartyRose's RoomCoach StevenJoking VictimSteven and the StevensMonster BuddiesAn Indirect KissMirror Gem/Ocean Gem

B: House GuestSpace RaceSecret TeamIsland AdventureKeep Beach City WeirdFusion CuisineGarnet's UniverseWatermelon StevenLion 3: Straight to VideoWarp TourAlone TogetherThe TestFuture VisionOn the RunHorror ClubWinter ForecastMaximum CapacityMarble MadnessRose's ScabbardOpen BookShirt ClubStory for StevenThe MessagePolitical PowerThe Return/Jail Break

Season 2 Full DisclosureJoy RideSay UncleLove LettersReformedSworn to the SwordRising Tides, Crashing SkiesKeeping It TogetherWe Need to TalkChille TidCry for HelpKeystone MotelOnion FriendHistorical FrictionFriend ShipNightmare HospitalSadie's SongCatch and ReleaseWhen It RainsBack to the BarnToo FarThe AnswerSteven's BirthdayIt Could've Been GreatMessage ReceivedLog Date 7 15 2
Season 3 Super Watermelon Island/Gem DrillSame Old WorldBarn MatesHit the DiamondSteven FloatsDrop Beat DadMr. GregToo Short to RideThe New LarsBeach City DriftRestaurant WarsKiki's Pizza Delivery ServiceMonster ReunionAlone at SeaGreg the BabysitterGem HuntCrack the WhipSteven vs. AmethystBismuthBetaEarthlingsBack to the MoonBubbled
Season 4 The Kindergarten KidKnow Your FusionBuddy's BookMindful EducationFuture Boy ZoltronLast One Out of Beach CityOnion GangGem HarvestThree Gems and a BabySteven's DreamAdventures in Light DistortionGem HeistThe ZooThat Will Be AllThe New Crystal GemsStorm in the RoomRocknaldoTiger PhilanthropistRoom for RubyLion 4: Alternate EndingDoug OutThe Good LarsAre You My Dad?I Am My Mom
Season 5 Stuck TogetherThe TrialOff ColorsLars' HeadDewey WinsGemcationRaising the BarnBack to the KindergartenSadie KillerKevin PartyLars of the StarsJungle MoonYour Mother and MineThe Big ShowPool HoppingLetters to LarsCan't Go BackA Single Pale RoseNow We're Only Falling ApartWhat's Your Problem?The QuestionMade of HonorReunitedLegs From Here to HomeworldFamiliarTogether AloneEscapismChange Your Mind
Film Steven Universe: The Movie
Future Little HomeschoolGuidanceRose BudsVolleyballBluebirdA Very Special EpisodeSnow DayWhy So Blue?Little GraduationPrickly PairIn DreamsBismuth CasualTogether ForeverGrowing PainsMr. UniverseFragmentsHomeworld BoundEverything's FineI Am My MonsterThe Future
Shorts Lion Loves to Fit in a BoxThe Classroom Gems: What Are Gems?We Are the Crystal GemsThe Classroom Gems: How Are Gems Made?UnboxingThe Classroom Gems: FusionCooking with LionGem KaraokeSteven ReactsVideo ChatSteven's Song Time
Other We Deserve to ShineCrossover Nexus