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This is a transcribed copy of "Letters to Lars". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
Previous: "Pool Hopping" Next: "Can't Go Back"
Speaker Dialogue
[Open Int. The Sun Incinerator]
(The Sun Incinerator is seen cruising an asteroid field, as Lars begins recording his logs.)
Lars Captain's Log: I think it's Friday. I've ordered Rhodonite to do a spectral scan of the system. Hopefully one of these asteroids has the flotanium deposits we need to get our warp engines back online.
(Lars moans in despair, when a letter flies out of Lars' hair.)
Lars What now, Steven?! *catches the letter* A letter?
(Lars opens the letter and begins to read it. A voiceover of Steven narrates the letter, followed by a series of flashbacks.)
Steven (voiceover) Dear Lars, how's space? Is it still big? You don't have to answer that right now, this is a letter. Since you're away from home, I thought I'd fill you in on what's been going on in Beach City. Everyone misses you soooo much.
[Trans. Ext. Big Donut]
Steven (v.o.) Since Sadie's been busy with the band, no one's around to open up the Big Donut.
(Steven peeked through the glass door of the donut shop and sighed in dismay, when Ronaldo walked in.)
Ronaldo Oh come on! Are they STILL not open?! *groans* I know Sadie quit a while ago, but why the heck isn't Lars here to pick up the slack?!
Steven Uhh, Ronaldo, Lars is in space.
Ronaldo *bursts out laughing* Good one Steven! I needed that!
(Steven stared at Ronaldo in silence and he ceased laughing.)
Ronaldo YOU'RE SERIOUS?!?!
Steven Don't you remember when everyone in town was abducted by Gems? Mayor Dewey had to give all those speeches about it?
Ronaldo Do you believe everything the government tells you?
Steven I'm the one who told the government.
Ronaldo Wait, what? So that means...
Steven Mmm hmm.
Ronaldo So Lars is really in space?
Steven Mmm hmm.
Ronaldo *begins crying* Is he in danger? Surrounded by aliens?
Steven All of the above.
(Ronaldo lays down on the ground, sobbing loudly.)
Steven There, there...
(Just then, Bill Dewey walked in.)
Bill Morning Universe.
Steven Oh, good morning.
Bill Still not open huh? I guess me and the Big Donut have a lot in common, we're both empty inside.
Steven (v.o.) As far as local politics, Mayor Dewey isn't mayor anymore. There was an election and Nanefua won with her platform of working together.
[Trans. Int. Fish Stew Pizza]
(Nanefua was holding a town council inside the pizzeria, while her bodyguards stood guard outside.)
Nanefua So, we are all in agreement, yes? In the event of a Gem-related emergency, everyone should go to the newly designated shelters.
Steven Me and Garnet can take care of food rations. Anyone know a good non-perishable brand of Chaaaaps?
Garnet We could also put some pizza ingredients on ice, just in case.
Nanefua That's a great idea Garnet. We can ask all the local restaurants to pitch in food in case we have to hide for a while.
Bill These all seem like great plans, but... How are you going to get in contact with everyone when there's an emergency? This may be a small town, but it's, a big small town.
Jenny Oh! Mayor Gunga, I could drive you around while you use the loudspeaker to spread the word through town.
Nanefua Cheese on bread! That's a good idea!
Kiki And while Jenny does that, I can take to the boardwalk on foot and let all the businesses know what's up.
Pearl And, as soon as we know of any impending danger, I'll give everyone a call on my cellular phone!
Kiki It might be easier if you just send out a mass text.
Pearl What number do I call for "mass text"?
Kiki Pearl, is this your first cell phone?
Pearl Maybe...?
Nanefua Is there anything else we can do to beef up the town security?
Greg It'd be nice if we could have some kind of lookout. Maybe I'll buy one of those high powered telescopes for the lighthouse or something.
Nanefua This is beautiful! Ronaldo, Greg, you're on lookout duty. Kiki, Pearl, you're in charge of communication. Steven, Garnet, you record our rations. And Jenny and I will spread the word about the plan. Now, everyone is helping to make our town safe.
Bill Everyone, except me...
Garnet Awww...
Nanefua Oh... You made things awkward.
Steven (v.o.) Sadie Killer and the Suspects are still going strong. They're gearing up for a huge show right here in Beach City. I hope you can make it back in time to see them play.
[Trans. Int. Sadie's Room]
(Sadie and the Cool Kids were practicing together while Steven watched on.
Sadie And just as the chorus is finishing up, I'll grab this fake, but very realistic, chainsaw, and then Steven will hit me with the lights, and then we'll all scream!
(Buck, Sour Cream, and Jenny all did fake screams, when Bill walked in, wearing a white sheet with eye holes.)
Bill And then I'll come out! Oogity boogity!
Buck I don't think you get it Dad, we're going for scary scary, not ha ha scary.
Bill Ooohooohooo... *takes off the sheet* Alright, I just wanted to help.
Sadie Did you cut holes in my bed sheets?!
Steven (v.o.) Jamie the mailman has been making a lot of progress establishing a local theater scene. He's done a bunch of one man shows, and even started teaching improv.
[Trans. Int. Beach City Stage]
(A stage was set up on the beach, where Steven and Pearl were the only audience, and Jamie appeared onstage.)
Jamie People of Beach City! Are you ready to laugh your butts off?
Steven *clapping* I am!
Jamie We've got a killer lineup for you tonight! So please welcome the Beach City Laugh-guards!
(Amethyst, Barbara, Mr. Smiley and Peridot walked onstage.)
Steven Wooo! Yeah!
Jamie Now all we need to get started is a single word from the audience.
Pearl "Steven"!
Peridot We do a scene about Steven every week.
Pearl Well, I think those scenes are good.
Steven Uh, "spaghetti", no no uh- "car"? No, uh that's not good. Oh! Uh- How about "plumber"?
Jamie I heard "plumber", and now the Beach City Laugh-guards will preform a completely improvised scene, based on the word "plumber".
Pearl No, do "Steven"!
Steven Wait, "cats"!
Jamie And no more suggestions for the rest of the show!
Barbara Thank's for coming out on such short notice. My sink is clogged.
Amethyst Welp, looks like we're gonna need... *shapeshifts into a plunger* One of these!
(Steven started laughing as Amethyst jumped into Barbara's hand.)
Jamie No no no, cut, stop. Notes, Barb, love how you set up the scene. Amethyst, you don't have to become a plunger, just pretend to have one. Observe, and learn.
(Jamie proceeds to mime many hand and arm gestures while moaning puzzlingly.)
Pearl What?
Steven Wow!
Peridot That's way too confusing. You could be holding anything.
Jamie I'm holding a plunger.
Pearl Oh, I thought you were holding a long, skinny submarine sandwich.
Steven Pearl! Be nice!
Peridot It's obviously much more clear if you can see the actual plunger!
Amethyst Eehh, she's got a point there, dude.
Peridot *snickers* Looks like I improved improv!
(Just then, Bill voiced out from behind a door prop.)
Bill Did I miss my cue? Oh! *walks through the door prop* Whatever! Hello ladies, it's me! The waiter in this restaurant! Can I offer you some more... worms?
Jamie Blackout!
Pearl ... It was better than last week.
[Trans. Lighthouse]
(Ronaldo was seen looking through a telescope on the lighthouse.)
Steven (v.o.) Anyways, my dad is still rich even after buying that telescope, so he's been trying out rich people sports.
[Trans. Ext. It's a Wash]
(Greg and Garnet played tennis together, while Steven watched on a chair.)
Steven (v.o.) He and Garnet have been playing tennis over the weekends.
(Greg ran back and forth on his side of the tennis court, struggling to keep a volley going.)
Greg Garnet, this is a little intense for a warm-up. Maybe we could try a light volley?
(Garnet stood in place on her side of the tennis court, extending her arms to hit the ball with great force.)
Garnet This is light. Being rich has made you weak.
(Once again, Bill ran in, dressed in a tennis outfit and holding a racket.)
Bill Dewey Oh, hey! Tennis? Room for one mo- Oww!
(Bill got hit in the face with the tennis ball, while Greg, Garnet and Steven stared at him silently.)
Steven (v.o.) In other news, Beach City Underground Wrestling has been intense!
[Trans. Int. Abandoned Warehouse]
(Steven and Amethyst watched from the audience in excitement, as the various wrestlers faced against one another.)
Steven (v.o.) The Marmalade Boys fought each other in, you guessed it, marmalade. The crowd was eating it up! But not literally, because that would be gross! Concrete Heat faced off against the Wolves of Wall Street in a steel cage! And the Good-Looking Gang finally lost the tag-team title to The Sea Wasp and Shark-O-Mania.
[Trans. Ext. Beach Citywalk Fries]
Steven (v.o.) I know you don't need to eat anymore, but I thought you'd still be interested in the local french fry scene in Beach City. Peedee started his very own food truck. He's not old enough to drive yet though, so it's kind of just another fry stand.
(Steven walked up to Peedee's food truck, named "Hot 2 Tot".)
Peedee Hey! Steven, what'll it be?
Steven What've you got?
Peedee Well I deal exclusively in tater tots now.
Steven That's great Peedee! Can I get the bits?
Peedee Uh, why don't you try the tots? They're the fry of the future.
Steven Do the tots have bits?
Peedee *sighs in frustration* I'll get you the bits.
Steven I like your super cool truck, Peedee. I love the giant potato on the top.
Peedee Oh thanks! It actually used to be the Mayor Mobile, I just painted over Mayor Dewey's head. It's a good thing that his head was so big and lumpy. Yeah, the new city board practically just gave it to me too. It's like they wanted nothing to do with it anymore. Everything's been great for me since Nanefua became mayor.
(Steven peeked behind the truck and saw Bill munching on tots sadly on a bench. He then got up and walked away.)
Steven Oh no... *runs after Bill*
Peedee Alright, I got the bits. Steven? *sighs again in frustration*
[Trans. Int. Beach City]
(Steven caught up to Bill as he walked along the streets.)
Steven Mayor Dewey! Wait!
Bill You know Universe, seeing my old Mayor Mobile turned into a giant potato, made me realize that nothing is like it used to be. My old life, my old town, my old citizens, they've all changed. They've... all outgrown me, I suppose.
Steven Well of course everyone's changing. Nothing can stay the same forever.
Bill You know what I miss the most about being the mayor? The little things, getting dressed and ready for work, walking down the boardwalk seeing everyone's smiling faces Yes! Knowing I had a place in this town. I used to look forward to it every day.
(Steven and Bill walked together up to the Big Donut.)
Bill Just like the people of this town used to look forward to their morning donut. I guess these days no one gets what they want.
Steven Wait a second... I have an idea!
[Trans. Int. The Big Donut]
(Bill stood happily behind the counter, wearing the Big Donut uniform and serving happy customers.)
Steven (v.o.) And so, Mayor Dewey started working at the Big Donut. It seemed as if the entire town showed up for the grand re-opening. The whole thing filled Mr. Dewey with a new sense of purpose. He's really changing things up too. Well, not really, but he is naming all of the donuts after himself.
Mr. Dewey *pulls out a megaphone* Next in line please!
Barbara I'll have a regular glazed.
Mr. Dewey One Classic Dewey, coming up! And how about a freshly fried Dewey Roll, on the house!
Barbara Take it easy, Billy. you're gonna go out of business!
Mr. Dewey Ha ha! You're cute.
Steven (v.o.) But there is one donut that's not named after Dewey.
[Trans. Ext. Barriga Residence]
(Steven brought Bill, holding a donut box, to Lars' house and knocked on the door. Dante and Martha Barriga answered the door and Bill showed the box full of donuts to them.)
Steven (v.o.) He let me name a donut after you! It's a pink donut with pink sprinkles, I call it, the "Pink Lars". Even though you're in space, there's still a part of you here. In sweet, delicious donut form. You gotta try one when you get back.
[Trans. Int. The Sun Incinerator]
(Lars eventually reaches the end of the letter.)
Steven (v.o.) Anyway, hope this letter finds you in good spirits...
(Lars looks up at his hair, only to find Steven laying out of it and reading the letter aloud to him.)
Steven Love, Steven.
Lars I appreciate the letter, but why'd you write this if you were just gonna tell me everything in person anyway?
Steven Sometimes it's nice to be read to.
Lars You realize I don't know who half of these people are right? Like, who the heck is Peridot?
Steven Someone who misses you every day... I think. You know what? You haven't met before. I'll have to introduce you when you get back to Earth.
Lars Huh. Thanks for the letter, Steven.
(The star iris closes on Steven's smiling face.)

ve Transcripts
Pilot Pilot
Season 1 A: Gem GlowLaser Light CannonCheeseburger BackpackTogether BreakfastFryboCat FingersBubble BuddiesSerious StevenTiger MillionaireSteven's LionArcade ManiaGiant WomanSo Many BirthdaysLars and the Cool KidsOnion TradeSteven the Sword FighterLion 2: The MovieBeach PartyRose's RoomCoach StevenJoking VictimSteven and the StevensMonster BuddiesAn Indirect KissMirror Gem/Ocean Gem

B: House GuestSpace RaceSecret TeamIsland AdventureKeep Beach City WeirdFusion CuisineGarnet's UniverseWatermelon StevenLion 3: Straight to VideoWarp TourAlone TogetherThe TestFuture VisionOn the RunHorror ClubWinter ForecastMaximum CapacityMarble MadnessRose's ScabbardOpen BookShirt ClubStory for StevenThe MessagePolitical PowerThe Return/Jail Break

Season 2 Full DisclosureJoy RideSay UncleLove LettersReformedSworn to the SwordRising Tides, Crashing SkiesKeeping It TogetherWe Need to TalkChille TidCry for HelpKeystone MotelOnion FriendHistorical FrictionFriend ShipNightmare HospitalSadie's SongCatch and ReleaseWhen It RainsBack to the BarnToo FarThe AnswerSteven's BirthdayIt Could've Been GreatMessage ReceivedLog Date 7 15 2
Season 3 Super Watermelon Island/Gem DrillSame Old WorldBarn MatesHit the DiamondSteven FloatsDrop Beat DadMr. GregToo Short to RideThe New LarsBeach City DriftRestaurant WarsKiki's Pizza Delivery ServiceMonster ReunionAlone at SeaGreg the BabysitterGem HuntCrack the WhipSteven vs. AmethystBismuthBetaEarthlingsBack to the MoonBubbled
Season 4 The Kindergarten KidKnow Your FusionBuddy's BookMindful EducationFuture Boy ZoltronLast One Out of Beach CityOnion GangGem HarvestThree Gems and a BabySteven's DreamAdventures in Light DistortionGem HeistThe ZooThat Will Be AllThe New Crystal GemsStorm in the RoomRocknaldoTiger PhilanthropistRoom for RubyLion 4: Alternate EndingDoug OutThe Good LarsAre You My Dad?I Am My Mom
Season 5 Stuck TogetherThe TrialOff ColorsLars' HeadDewey WinsGemcationRaising the BarnBack to the KindergartenSadie KillerKevin PartyLars of the StarsJungle MoonYour Mother and MineThe Big ShowPool HoppingLetters to LarsCan't Go BackA Single Pale RoseNow We're Only Falling ApartWhat's Your Problem?The QuestionMade of HonorReunitedLegs From Here to HomeworldFamiliarTogether AloneEscapismChange Your Mind
Film Steven Universe: The Movie
Future Little HomeschoolGuidanceRose BudsVolleyballBluebirdA Very Special EpisodeSnow DayWhy So Blue?Little GraduationPrickly PairIn DreamsBismuth CasualTogether ForeverGrowing PainsMr. UniverseFragmentsHomeworld BoundEverything's FineI Am My MonsterThe Future
Shorts Lion Loves to Fit in a BoxThe Classroom Gems: What Are Gems?We Are the Crystal GemsThe Classroom Gems: How Are Gems Made?UnboxingThe Classroom Gems: FusionCooking with LionGem KaraokeSteven ReactsVideo ChatSteven's Song Time
Other We Deserve to ShineCrossover Nexus