Onion Friend/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of Onion Friend. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Keystone Motel"

Next: "Historical Friction"

Speaker	Dialogue
(Steven is preparing a bagel sandwich.)
Steven	Yesss... Perfectly timed afternoon sandwich... complete. *about to eat it* Wait, I can't eat such a perfect sandwich all on its own, it needs a side! But what? (Amethyst's door opens and she walks out.) Oh! Hey, Amethyst! I made lunch! You wanna eat this empty container?
Amethyst	No, thanks.
Steven	O-okay! You've seen Garnet or Pearl?
Amethyst	Nope.
Steven	Any... idea where they might be?
Amethyst	I dunno? Somewhere not talking to each other?
Steven	Hmmm... *thinks* Wait, I know what this meal needs! *opens a cupboard* A bag of- *gasps* Onion!?
(Onion is shown inside the cupboard and is holding a bag of Chaaaaps, Onion then jumps out of the cupboard.)
Steven	What the- ? (Steven runs to the door and shuts it before Onion can leave.) Oh no you don't!
(Onion looks at Steven and then proceeds to jump through the screen window.)
Steven	*shouting* ONION! (Steven opens Beach House's door, as Onion is running away.) We just put that screen in! (Steven chases after Onion.) Come back here! Those were going to complete my perfect lunch! *breathing heavily* It's a special flavor that's only in stores for a limited time! (Onion looks back at Steven and keeps running.) I know how you are with food, you're not even going to eat them! At least let me have just one! (Onion runs into the garage of his house and Steven follows, and Steven is very sweaty.) This... is it, Onion, nowhere to hide! *enters the garage* Now just... just drop the bag and, uh... Onion? [The view pans to many paintings of Amethyst] Uh... Amethyst!? Uh... That's really weird... *exits the house and brings Amethyst* Um... so... I always knew Onion was weird, but... [Camera focuses on one of the paintings of Amethyst] I think he's obsessed with you... What do you think, Amethyst?
Vidalia	*off-screen* Who's in there? I don't know how you got past that tarp, *on-screen, holding a shotgun* but this is private property!
Amethyst	Vidalia!?
Vidalia	Amethyst!?
Amethyst and Vidalia	*hug each other then laugh*
Vidalia	It's been years!
Amethyst	Man, you've changed! You look TERRIBLE! *laughs*
Vidalia	You look the same... *smiles* terrible!
Amethyst and Vidalia	*laughs again*
Steven	Wait, whaaat? Who's she? How do you know each other?
Amethyst	Oh, we both kinda hung around your dad, but Vidalia's cooler than your dad, so... we started hanging out without him.
Vidalia	*looks surprised* Is that Steven? Look at him! He looks just like Greg! That's good, that's good. He used to be super hot. *smiles and laughs, as well as Amethyst*
Steven	*blushes* Uh... so... did you paint these when you used to hang out?
Vidalia	Yeah, some of them. Some are new, though. Amethyst was my favorite model! *winks to Amethyst* Can you still turn into anything?
Amethyst	Heh... Anything *shape-shifts to a form similar to the painting behind her* but respectable.
Vidalia	*laughs* Oh, man... We used to get into all sorts of trouble. *gives a photo to Steven* Now tell me, Steven, aren't we just the spitting image of mischief?
Amethyst	Pfff... hardly! *laughs* You're wearing slippers.
Vidalia	*takes photo back* You don't know what I've done in these shoes. *both laugh* It's great to see you again... Sorry, it's been so long. I guess we've both been busy.
Amethyst	Oh, yeah... I get it. Kids. *grabs Steven*
(Onion enters holding a pair of scissors and hugs Vidalia.)
Steven	What about kids?
Vidalia	Oh, here's one now!
Steven	*surprised, shouting* YOU'RE ONION'S MOM!?
Vidalia	*giggles and lifts Onion* Yup, he's my little troublemaker. *takes scissors and throws them away* And Steven, he loves talking about you. (Onion mumbles in Vidalia's ear.) Oh! That's a great idea! Steven, Amethyst, Onion wants to know if you'd like to stay for dinner.
Steven	Ummm-
Amethyst	*interrupts Steven* We'd love to! *laughs* R-Right Steven? Onion's like, your best friend? *off screen* Now tell me what you did in those shoes, girl.
[Transition to kitchen]
Amethyst	Mmm! I can't eat another bite of... heh, whatever that was.
Vidalia	Oh, it's just a little dish I like to call noodles and butter.
Amethyst	I can't believe how long it's been! I mean, check this guy out! I used to be bigger than him! *laughs, then sighs* Do you ever hear from ol' Farty Marty?
Vidalia	Him? *laughs* I dunno where that fool is! Don't care either. It's just been me and Yellowtail for a while now. *screen zooms in on her wedding ring*
Amethyst	Whaaaat? Yellowtail?
Vidalia	Yeah, things just kinda happened. *points at young Sour Cream and baby Onion's photo* Next thing you know, I'm living with a fisherman. Hahah, you should see your face right now.
(While Amethyst and Vidalia are chatting, Steven greets Sour Cream.)
Steven	Hey, Sour Cream!
(Sour Cream is listening to music on his earphones. He responds to Steven with a hand sign, then continues listening to music.)
Amethyst	*laughs* I just didn't expect any of this!
Vidalia	Well, it's just how it is now.
(Onion sculpting his mashed potatoes into something.)
Amethyst	So where's ol' Fishtail at?
(Steven glares at Onion. Onion then turns his plate around to reveal that he sculpted his mashed potatoes into a rough statue of Steven's head.)
Vidalia	*quietly, in the background* Uh, it's Yellowtail... He spends a lot of time out at sea somewhere.
(Onion finishes a Steven-shaped sculpture of mashed potatoes.)
Steven	*happily* Hey! It's me!
Amethyst	*quietly, in the background* Haha, dude, you used to complain so much about the smell of the docks.
(Onion disturbingly licks the back of the mashed potatoes stack and chews. Stevens glares at him again, and Onion opens his mouth to let the chewed-up mashed potatoes spill out on the table.)
Vidalia	*quietly, in the background* It used to be so gross over there, now there are these fancy boats around. Remember when we snuck under the mayor's boat and trashed it?
Steven	Why do you hate food?
Amethyst	*quietly in the background* Ha ha, yeah, I remember.
(Scene changes to Vidalia washing the dishes.)
Vidalia	What about you, Amethyst?
Amethyst	Huh?
Vidalia	You haven't said a word about yourself all night.
Amethyst	Well, that's because my life is boring.
Vidalia	Alright, how are the Gems?
Amethyst	I dunno. *sighs* They're boring too.
Steven	Okay, thanks for dinner, time to go! Right, Amethyst?
Amethyst	What's the hurry? We've got nothing to do. Besides, an Amethyst-Vidalia party don't end 'till the sun come up.
Onion	Mama!
Vidalia	What's that?
Onion	*mumbling*
Vidalia	Oh! That's a great idea. Steven, Onion wants to show you around the house. What do you say? Can Onion show you around?
Steven	*sweats and stares at Onion as the electricity begins to falter* Uhhh! What's going on?
Vidalia	Oh, whenever Sour Cream starts DJing, it uses all the electricity in the house. Good thing Yellowtail's not here. It drives him nuts.
Amethyst	Dude! Your house is jacked.
Vidalia	What can you do? Kids gotta express themselves.
Onion	*slams his hands on the mashed potato, splattering it everywhere*
Vidalia	*laughs* You too, Onion. Very expressive. *looks at Steven* Looks like he's ready for you, Steven.
Onion	*stares at Steven and smiles slightly, as Steven stares back*
[Trans. to Onion's room]
Steven	*looks around* Uh... cool shopping cart. *Onion runs past him* Ah!
(Onion hops onto a small trampoline and then onto his bed; he then starts jumping up and down on the bed.)
Steven	Why don't you just jump up and down on that trampoline? I mean, it's like, right there. But it's your room, so do whatever you want. (A mouse crawls onto Steven's foot, and he gasps.) You have a little mousey roommate friend! Awww! Oh?
Onion	*jumps off the bed and scoops up the mouse when it runs close to him*
Steven	Is that your pet?
Onion	*walks over to a large container*
Steven	Oh, that must be where he lives, right? Let me help you put him in his home. *looks into the container* This is a pretty large container for a little baby—SNAKE!? Onion, you want me to feed our little friend to this snake, huh?
Onion	*nods*
Steven	Oh. *shudders and groans, and then looks at the mouse* Sorry, but... we all gotta eat. I... can't... ugh! *hands the mouse to Onion* Just take him from me! I-I'll be over here! *runs off-screen*
Onion	*holds the mouse by its tail*
Steven	*shivers and sweats as he hears squeaking, and then the sound of the container closing*
Onion	*walks over to Steven*
Steven	Uh... you don't have any more... weird pets to show me, do you?
Onion	*walks over to a television with a VCR player*
Steven	You... gonna put on a movie? That'd be nice- *Onion inserts a VHS tape* and not creepy at all. (He and Onion begin to watch the tape.) Cool hospital setting.
Vidalia	*on tape* Okay, I'm ready.
Steven	Hey, that's your mom!
Vidalia	*on tape* I'm ready!
Steven	What's she getting ready for?
Vidalia	*on tape* *moaning* Ohhh, oh, Yellowtail... I think... *moans louder* It's happening!
Steven	*covering eyes* Ah! Wait! What's going on?
Onion	*shows the VHS case to Steven*
Vidalia	*on tape* *moaning* Here he comes!
Steven	*reads writing on VHS case* "Happy... birthday... Onion"? Is this you being born!? Ahh! *covers his eyes again as more moans from the video are heard*
Onion	*turns off the television*
Steven	*sighs* I can't take much more of this.
Onion	*climbs onto his bed and peels off a poster, revealing a secret passage*
Steven	Where... ?
Onion	*beckons with his hand, making a scary expression, while the electricity falters again*
Steven	*starts to leave the room through the door* Okay, I'm out, can't do this anymore, need to go home. *walks downstairs* Amethyst, I'm sorry, but it's time to- *stops and watches Amethyst and Vidalia*
Amethyst	*sitting on the sofa with Vidalia, who is drinking tea* Even Garnet! Like, I've never seen Garnet this upset. *sighs* It's awful at home. I feel trapped.
Vidalia	That's crazy! I know what you mean though.
Amethyst	You do?
Vidalia	Hey, we don't always get along in this family. Yellowtail and Sour Cream are always at each other's throats. It makes me nuts. Actually, when I get like that, I think about you! And how you could always just roll with it.
Amethyst	Whaaat? No, that was you! You were so, ah, cool! *cut to Steven's shocked face* I was just like, a dumb sponge following you around.
Vidalia	But you were down for anything, not afraid of anything. You know how much I wanted to be like you? *sighs* I still think about it. To be honest, that's why I started painting you again. I'm... I'm inspired by you, Amethyst. Ooh, looks like I'm gonna need more tea! *holds up teabag* You wanna eat this bag?
Amethyst	Yeah! *laughs* My favorite.
Vidalia	Okay, I'll be riiight back. Good thing the kids are keeping themselves busy.
Steven	*sighs and walks back upstairs* Okay Onion, let's do this. Whatever weird or horrible thing you have planned for me, I can take it.
Onion	*crawls into the hidden vent, followed by Steven*
Steven	*panting* Hey, slow down! *keeps crawling through the vent after Onion, and it gradually gets darker* Oh boy, this is gonna be bad. U-uh... Onion, where are you?
Onion	*turns on the light and is standing in a small room*
Steven	What's this room? *climbs out of the vent and grunts* Oof!
Onion	*walks to a small chest near the middle of the room*
Steven	What's in there? Something horrible?
Onion	*opens the chest and smiles*
Steven	*sweats and gasps* Onion! It's full of G.U.Y.S! *picks up one of the figures* Wow! I've never seen this red variant of Ninja Guy before! You have G.A.L.S. too? *picks up each figure and names it* Hard-hat Gal, Triangle Gal, Orange Gal, Karen! Karen... How did you get a hold of...? No, don't tell me.
Onion	*hands something to Steven*
Steven	Hm? ...No way! It's... Explorer Gal! She's so cool-looking! *begins to give the figure back to Onion* Thanks for showing her to m-- *Onion refuses to take back the figure* ... Y-You should take your Explorer Gal back.
Onion	*shakes his head*
Steven	Are you... giving this to me?
Onion	*nods*
Steven	*gasps* I can't believe it! Thank you so much, Onion! Oh man, what other G.A.L.S. and G.U.Y.S. you got?
Onion	*shows an empty looking capsule to Steven*
Steven	Huh, cool. Invisible Guy.
[Time Skip—night outside the Onion's house, Steven and Amethyst are leaving]
Vidalia	And stay out! *laughs*
Amethyst	Umm, thanks for dinner. And for listening.
Vidalia	Well- thanks for breaking into my house! And don't worry about that other stuff. It's gonna blow over. You're a rock! That's what you are, right?
Amethyst	Eh, something like that.
Vidalia	Well, whatever you are, don't be a stranger.
Amethyst	Yeah, I can stop by any time if you need... "inspiration".
Vidalia	*laughs*
Amethyst	Or if you want, you could come over to the temple sometime too. You could even bring Onion for Steven to hang with.
Steven	*gives a start*
Vidalia	Oh, well, that sounds great to us. What about you, Steven? Ready for another round with this guy? *looks at Onion*
Steven	*smiles at Onion*
Onion	*opens mouth to reveal the mouse from earlier; it squeaks and hops out of his mouth*
(Star wipe closes around Steven.)
Steven	*stares and sweats, and then laughs nervously* Yeah, we'll see!
(Star wipe completely closes in.)
[END]