| Speaker
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Dialogue
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| (Steven is sitting on the beach, eyes closed and taking deep breaths.)
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| Steven
|
*deep inhale* Shield.
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| (Steven's gem begins to glow. He slowly opens his eyes and finds him encased in his bubble shield.)
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| Steven
|
No! Not bubble shield!
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| (Steven dispels his bubble and throws a little tantrum.)
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| Steven
|
*looks at his gem* What am I doing wrong? The Gems can all summon their weapons, why can't I? *gets desperate* Isn't there somebody who can help me?
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| (The area starts to rumble.)
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| Steven
|
Wha... ?
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| (Steven gets and sees dolphins circling around in the sea, creating a whirlpool. A giant shell then emerges from the vortex, atop a water sprout.)
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| Steven
|
Wha!? ... Huh?!
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| (Crabs start rushing past Steven into the ocean, startling him. The dolphins starts spitting water like fountains and the shell opens up in a glorious entrance before Steven, revealing to be... Uncle Grandpa, dressed up like Rose Quartz.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Good morning!
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| Steven
|
Whoa!
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
*suddenly appears beside Steven, buried as a sand mermaid* Bravo! *applauds* This guy sure knows how to make an entrance. What do you think Mr. Dolphin?
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| (Mr. Dolphin squeaks besides Uncle Grandpa. Uncle Grandpa gets up and starts dusting sand off him, rotating his torso 360° around.)
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| Steven
|
Oh my gosh! Uncle Grandpa! You're really here, I can't believe it! I mean, I LITERALLY can't believe it. *excitedly* How is this even possible?!
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
*pulls Steven in* Don't worry, bro. *speaks to the audience* None of this is canon. But this is!
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| (Uncle Grandpa pulls a giant cannon from Belly Bag and puts his head into it. He then fires his head into the air, spelling "April Fools" in smoke, and crashes into a ship. Lars and Sadie climbs onto the tip as the ship sinks.)
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| Lars
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Oh no-ho-ho-ho! OUR SHIIIIIP!
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| (Sadie holds on to Lars dramatically as the ship sinks with them.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Sooooo, I hear your belly's being a bit of a bummer. *poke Steven's belly*
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| Steven
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Yeah. *lifts his shirt* I've been trying to pull my shield outta my gem all morning.
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Hmmm...Well let's take a look-see... *clones his head from Belly Bag and gives Steven a check-up* You should make sure to get this thing polished at least twice a year. *knocks on Steven's gem, and something knocks in response*
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| Steven
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So... do you think you can help me? (Uncle Grandpa puts a tongue depressor in Steven's mouth.) At least I totally wanna protect my friends.
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Hmm... Yup, it's the belly blues. I've definitely seen this before.
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| Steven
|
Really?!
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| Uncle Grandpa
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I was there! - Don't you remember?
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| (Uncle Grandpa replays the episode of "Gem Glow", as he tries to communicate with Steven via his own in-show commercial.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Uh whoa! Hey! It's a brand new cartoon picture show! Hey! Hey! Hi there! Hello? Hey! Good morning?
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| Steven
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I don't remember that at all.
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| Uncle Grandpa
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So your shield only comes out when you need to protect yourself. *scratches his head*
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| Steven
|
Yeah?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Well then, you just need something to protect yourself FROM! Like this cool mega super awesome rocket launcher! *pulls out a rocket launcher*
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| Steven
|
Uh... Uncle Grandpa? *gets worried* This doesn't seem safe...
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Don't worry kid, I'm wearing a helmet.
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| (Uncle Grandpa fires a rocket at Steven, who holds up his hands in panic. The tiny rocket hits Steven in the forehead with no impact at all, lands on the sand and explodes harmlessly.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
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*floats in* Anything?
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| Steven
|
No...
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Then how about a BEE-ZOOKA? *pulls out a Beezooka from Belly Bag*
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| (Steven runs away screaming, with giant bees chasing him.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Or a Snake Shooter?
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| (Steven runs away cautiously, with a snake slittering towards him.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Or the BEE-ZOOKA again?
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| (Steven runs away screaming again. Uncle Grandpa ponders as Steven, visibly stung and swollen, sits besides.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Hmm...Still nothin'. *snaps his finger* Oh, I know!
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| (Pearl then pops out from inside the Beach House as Amethyst watches the commotion from the porch.)
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| Pearl
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Amethyst, have you seen Steven this morning?
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| Amethyst
|
Yeap. He's hanging out with some weirdo. *points to Uncle Grandpa* I think he's trying to vaporize Steven.
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| Pearl
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Whagahaha?!
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| (Pearl freaks out as she sees Uncle Grandpa aiming a giant death ray at Steven.)
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| Pearl
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STEVEN!!!!!
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| (Everyone brace themselves as the death ray is fired, and Steven appears unharmed in his bubble shield)
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| Steven
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NOOOO! Not bubble shield! *claps away his bubble*
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Hmmm... I would've sworn the Doomtastic Death Ray of Dastardly Destruction would've worked, You wanna try the bees again?
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| Gems
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*jumps in* Steven!
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| Pearl
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What's going on?! Who is this... stranger?
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| Steven
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He's not a stranger, he's Uncle Grandpa!
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| (Uncle Grandpa honks his nose twice.)
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| Amethyst
|
Uncle... Grandpa?
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| Pearl
|
So that would make him Greg's brother... and father?
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| Garnet
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That would explain... a LOT. *folds her arms*
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| Belly Bag
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Thaaat's right! He's not just your Uncle Grandpa, Steven! (Uncle Grandpa pops his head out into space.) He's everyone in the world's Uncle Grandpa! And when he comes to town, you're sure to have a fun time!
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| (Steven's and the Gems' heads follow Uncle Grandpa's head too, as they start circling around the Earth.)
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| Steven
|
Ahahaha, we're in space!
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| (The Gems' head return back to their bodies, and they are visibly frightened.)
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| Pearl
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*freaking out* O-o-oh, Gimminee.....! *feels Garnet's head* Yahuhuhahahehehetseyahutsui, Ahu- Aaaw... *faints*
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| Amethyst
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Augh! My head is on BACKWAAAAARDS! *runs away in panic*
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| Garnet
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*shivers* Woohoohaha...
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| (Uncle Grandpa's and Steven's heads return back to their heads too, and they calmly fist-bumps each other.)
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| Garnet
|
Gem huddle! *huddles with Pearl and Amethyst*
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| Pearl
|
Obviously, we're dealing with some super-powerful reality-warping entity.
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| Garnet
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He could be a danger to the fabric of space itself!
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| Amethyst
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I dunno guys! Hah, I kinda like 'im!
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| Steven
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Hey! *huddles in* What are you guys talkin' about?
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| Uncle Grandpa
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*butts in too* Are you forming a secret club? (A second Uncle Grandpa pops in as well.) Can we join too?
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| Gems
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AUGH! *breaks the huddle*
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| Pearl
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Eh-hem, Umm... Uncle Grandpa?
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Good morning. *waves*
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| Pearl
|
Yes, we have decided to-
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| Uncle Grandpa
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*playing video games with Steven* Play video games?
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| Pearl
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No.
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| Uncle Grandpa
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*running around Steven* Run around in circles?
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| Pearl
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*starting to get annoyed* Noo.
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| Uncle Grandpa
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*eating a three way sub with Amethyst and Steven* Eat a three way sub?
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| Amethyst
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Yo.
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| Pearl
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*gets mad at Amethyst with crazed eyes* AMETHYST!!!!!! *calms down* Eh-hm, no, we have decided-
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| Garnet
|
-that you are a danger to Steven and the planet Earth, and we MUST destroy you!
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| Steven
|
What?!
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
*worried* Bad morning!
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| Steven
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Wait, no! You guys, don't hurt him!
|
| (The Gems summon their weapons as a title card that says "CRYSTAL GEMS" appear before them. Another title card saying "RUN AWAY" appears before Uncle Grandpa and Steven, and they start to run.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Come on, kid! Let's gooo!
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| Amethyst
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*trips over the "y" on the "Run Away" title card* WHYYYYYY!?!?
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| Steven
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I'm sorry, they're not usually like this!
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Quick! Belly Bag, we need a plot hole!
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| Belly Bag
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Sure thing, Uncle Grandpa! OOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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| (Belly Bag releases a white card from it and expands it big enough to cover the screen. Steven and Uncle Grandpa then runs into a blank white space.)
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| Steven
|
Where are we?
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| (The screen goes black, and then Hot Dog Person is seen in space yelling Uncle Grandpa's theme song. Uncle Grandpa's head is seen over Earth greeting "Good Morning!"... as he and Steven enter his dimension.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
*laughing and driving* Now where did I put that little kid? Oh yeah! *opens a cubby, revealing Steven inside* Good morning! Oh, lemme give you a hand there. *pulls Steven out*
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| Steven
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*fastened to the seat belt* Wow, where am I?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Welcome to the "U.G.R.V."
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| Steven
|
The... wha?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
The "Uncle Grandpa Recreational Vehicle".
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| Steven
|
Oh, cool! My dad lives in a van too! Did you used to be a rockstar?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
I'm still a rockstar, kid. (Another Uncle Grandpa pops in from the back.) Hey Steven! I'll give ya the tour!
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| Steven
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Wow, it's huge! *looks around the U.G.R.V.* You can fit a million vans in here!
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Actually, it's more like 40 or 50 vans, see? *shows a pile of 40-50 miniature vans*
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| (Pizza Steve then appears, riding on a motorcycle through an obstacle course, crashing into the van pile in front of Steven and Uncle Grandpa, and throwing his motorcycle away, causing it to explode, and reveals it is all in his imagination.)
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| Pizza Steve
|
Oh, hey! It's just me, PIZZA STEVE, just the coolest and tastiest Steve, who ever lived.
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| Steven
|
Hi Pizza Steve, I'm a Steve too! Steven Universe.
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| Pizza Steve
|
Stee-ven... Universe? *appears on Steven's head* Come on Uncle G, I've got two rules! No more than 40 or 50 vans, and only ONE Steve allowed. *points to self*
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Yeah, but THIS Steven is special.
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| Mr. Gus
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Yeah, he's a Crystal Gem.
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Good mornin' Mr. Gus.
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| Mr. Gus
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What's up, Uncle Grandpa?
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| Steven
|
Wow, Mr. Gus! How do you know about me?
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| Mr. Gus
|
I have a comprehensive knowledge of all magical denizens of the multiverse. I know ALL about the Crystal Gems! Come here man, check this out. *shows Steven a drawing on his computer* I even made my OWN gemsona. My gem is on my tail, and my weapon is a frying pan.
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Nice linework, Mr. Gus.
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| Steven
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That's really cool, Mr. Gus! I wish I was as cool as your drawing.
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| Mr. Gus
|
Something wrong?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Steven doesn't know how to summon his shield.
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| Mr. Gus
|
You don't say? Ah, that's simple. Steven's powers are maternal. (Pizza Steve jumps off of Steven's head and vandalizes Mr. Gus's drawing.) Control of his gem is based on emotional clarity. His shield only comes out when he's feeling extreme emotions of-
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| Pizza Steve
|
*interrupts* Hey, Mr. Gus,I fixed your drawing. (A poor drawing of Pizza Steve is shown across Mr. Gus's erased gemsona.)
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| Mr. Gus
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HEY! Why didn't you do that on a new layer?! *chases Pizza Steve*
|
| (Giant Realistic Flying Tiger then pops in and roars.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
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Oh, hi Giant Realistic Flying Tiger! You got any advice for Steven?
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| (Giant Realistic Flying Tiger roars in response.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
I'm not gonna tell him that. That only works on cats.
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| Steven
|
Well... Now what?
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
We just sit here until something happens.
|
| (Something then begins to suck Uncle Grandpa, Steven and Giant Realistic Flying Tiger away.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
Something happened!
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| Steven
|
Woaaaah, woaaah!
|
| (The trio are sucked into a giant Belly Bag on a giant Uncle Grandpa.)
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| Giant Belly Bag
|
*licks its lips* BUURRRPPPP!!!!
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| (Meanwhile, the Gems are seen running around in the blank white space, looking for an exit.)
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| Garnet
|
Hoo, there's gotta be someway out here.
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| Pearl
|
*shivering* WE'LL NEVER ESCAPE!!!! THIS IS OUR NEW HOME!!!!!
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| Garnet
|
Pearl, you're overreacting.
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| Pearl
|
I'M NOT OVERREACTING!!!!!!!!
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| (Pearl starts running away the space, screaming at the top of her lungs, before crashing into Amethyst in her delirium.)
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| Amethyst
|
*annoyed* Hey, where's Steven?
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| Pizza Steve
|
*walks in , dressed up like Steven* Looking for me? PIZZA Steven Universe?
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| Pearl
|
*gasps and freaks out* THAT'S NOT MY BABY! *hides behind Garnet*
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| Amethyst
|
Aaaaw, nice! *gets up and approaches Pizza Steve*
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| Pizza Steve
|
Woah, hold on! *runs away*
|
| Amethyst
|
PIZZAAAA! *chases Pizza Steve*
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| Pizza Steve
|
Don't eat Pizza Steve! *whines*
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| (Amethyst devours Pizza Steve, pulls out his undigested glasses and wears them.)
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| Garnet
|
Okay, I'm ready for this episode to end.
|
| (Garnet stomps on the floor, causing the blank white space to crack and break. They are back on the beach, when Steven, Uncle Grandpa, Lion, and Tiger are seen having a tea party on the sand.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
*sighs* I'm sorry I couldn't help you learn to use your shield, Steven.
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| Steven
|
It's okay, Uncle Grandpa. I had a lotta fun today.
|
| Gems
|
STEVEN!!! *arm themselves*
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| Garnet
|
Get away from that man!
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| Pearl
|
HE'S A MONSTER!!!
|
| (Amethyst hisses and growls at Uncle Grandpa.)
|
| Steven
|
Hey, cut it out guys. He's done enough already. *gasps*
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
(Amethyst's whip wraps around him.) Oh, good mornin'!
|
| (Amethyst pulls Uncle Grandpa in and the Gems start beating him up. They then leap into the sky, leaving a beaten-up Uncle Grandpa on the ground.)
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| Uncle Grandpa
|
That smarts...
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| Gems
|
*dives towards Uncle Grandpa* FINISH HIIIM!!!!!
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| Steven
|
*rushes in as a chibi* No, don't hurt him! *jumps towards Uncle Grandpa after releasing a small fart* STOOOOP!!!!!!
|
| (Steven's gem begins to glow and halts the Gems, in shock and surprise, with his shield.)
|
| Steven
|
Woaw!
|
| (Giant Realistic Flying Tiger's jaw drops.)
|
| Steven
|
*turns to Uncle Grandpa* I did it, Uncle Grandpa! I really did it!
|
| Uncle Grandpa
|
Yay...
|
| Pearl
|
Protecting HIM activated Steven's powers?!
|
| Garnet
|
He must really care about this stranger.
|
| Amethyst
|
I hope he didn't care about that pizza... *looks at Pizza Steve's sunglasses*
|
| Steven
|
Listen! It was a big, weird surprise when Uncle Grandpa showed up here today. (Uncle Grandpa's ear falls off, and he quickly picks it back up.) We've never met anyone like Uncle Grandpa, but you can't just attack people you don't understand. (Pearl covers her mouth and blushes.) You have to stick up for them, and listen to what they have to say. (Giant Realistic Flying Tiger and Lion look at each other.) You guys always do that for me.
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| Pearl
|
*blushing with tears in her eyes, feeling guilty and sorry* Steven, you're right. *cries loudly* HOW CAN I'VE BEEN SO BLIND!? I'M SO-RREEEEY!!!!!!! AWWWW, AWEEEE!!!!
|
| Amethyst
|
I also apologize for Pearl.
|
| Garnet
|
Thank you, you taught us a valuable lesson, Uncle Grandpa.
|
| Uncle Grandpa
|
Welp, I think my work here is done. Bye bye!
|
| (Uncle Grandpa's propeller hat starts spinning, detaching Uncle Grandpa's head from his head. He hovers over the Giant Realistic Flying Tiger, flying in the sky, and his body pops back out atop of it. Lion howls as they begin to depart.)
|
| Uncle Grandpa
|
Remember kids! Don't be afraid to be super we-e-e-eird! Steven and I have got your back. *his eyes turn cosmic* See with eyes unclouded by hate, and always remember to say... GOOD MORNING!
|
| (A big "GOOD MORNING !!!!!!" message appears on the sky, as the Crystal Gems, crying, watch Uncle Grandpa departs.)
|
| Uncle Grandpa
|
*rubs his eyes* Boy, that sure makes my eyes hurt. Now let's see here... *holds out and reads a checklist of several other Cartoon Network protagonists* Dexter, Deedee, Blossom, Bubbles, Buttercup, Ed, Edd, Eddy, Billy, Mandy, Mac, Juniper, Swat Kats, Flapjack, Finn, Oh! Steven... *checks it off* Now who's next? (Clarence is shown at the bottom of the list.)
|
| (The star iris zooms in on Clarence's name. An ending card then appears, with the poorly drawing Pizza Steve, and reads "In Loving Memory of Pizza Steve".)
|
| [END]
|
