The New Lars/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of The New Lars. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Too Short to Ride"

Next: "Beach City Drift"

Speaker	Dialogue
[Open Int. The Big Donut]
(Steven is inside the donut shop asking a trivial question to Sadie and Lars behind the counter, as an imaginative slideshow is displayed over his question.)
Steven	For your consideration...The koala, a marsupial from the forests of Australia, and the sloth, hailing from the forests of South America. Who should be crowned the king of the "Hanging Around Doing Nothing" mammals!?
Sadie	I think sloths eat poop.
Lars	Gross.
Steven	Well, that's definitely going to affect the rankings.
Lars	Eating poop would be better than this.
Sadie	*snickers* Just, let him do his thing.
Lars	So glad I don't have to deal with this tomorrow.
Sadie	Oh, yeah, they're closing shop to get those gulls out of the vents. Any plans?
Lars	Nah.
Sadie	Would you... want to come by my place? I know it's kind of... been awhile, but we could get some food, watch some movies.
Lars	Nah. Sounds boring. I'll see if Buck wants to do stuff.
Sadie	*slightly dismayed* Well, I hope you guys have fun together.
Lars	Yeah. We will.
(Sadie and Lars suddenly remember Steven is still here.)
Sadie	Hey, Steven? You're staring a little bit.
Steven	*staring intently with widened eyes, and whispers* No, I'm not.
[Trans. Ext. The Big Donut]
(Steven and Lars exit the Big Donut, as Lars starts locking the door.)
Steven	Hey, Lars? why didn't you want to hang out with Sadie?
Lars	*grunts* I see her at work. Why do I need to see her on my day off?
Steven	But aren't you going to get married, and have kids, and name one of them after his uncle Steven?
Lars	Oh, let me think... No! Me and Sadie aren't getting married. We aren't even dating. And if she thinks we are, that's her problem.
Steven	You're lying! I know how you feel about Sadie.
Lars	You don't know what you're talking about, so butt out! *walks off* Go annoy someone else! You little weirdo.
Steven	Why can't you just admit you love her?!
[Trans. Int. Beach House, Night-time]
(Steven is sleeping in his bed, tossing and turning restlessly..)
Steven	*mumbles in his sleep* Lars.
(Steven enters his dreamscape and sees Lars floating alone in the darkness.)
Steven	Lars? You don't need to be such a jerk all the time. I wish I could just SHOW YOUUU-
(Lars turns around and Steven unwillingly speeds up towards him, seemingly colliding into Lars.)
Steven	Aah!
[Trans. Int. Lars' Room, Morning]
(Lars is then seen suddenly waking up with a magazine on his face.)
Lars (Steven)	Aah! Huh? *takes the magazine off his face* Wha? Whoa. Wait a minute.
("Lars" looks around his own room.)
Lars (Steven)	This isn't the temple. *looks at himself* This isn't my voice! Whoa- I'm Lars!?
(Steven then realized he is inside Lars' body, and he gets up in shock and notices himself in the mirror.)
Lars (Steven)	Ooh-ho-ho-ho-ho! *whimpers and covers his eyes* I'm naked! I must've jumped into Lars' mind. I guess while I'm in here, I'd better do my best to respect Lars' body... And his privacy.
(Lars (Steven) dresses himself up and heads downstairs of his house, when he heard voices into the kitchen.)
Martha	No. We can do this, Dante. We have to talk to him.
Lars (Steven)	Hi, there.
(Dante and Martha, revealing to be Lars' parents, turn around and notice Lars (Steven).)
Dante	Oh, there's our boy. How are you feeling?
(Lars (Steven) sits down at the table.)
Lars (Steven)	Uh... taller?
(Martha places Lars' breakfast down in front of him.)
Martha	Here you go. Oh, it's good to see you this morning, Laramie. *holds up Lars' (Steven's) face*
Lars (Steven)	*smiles* Who's Laramie?
Martha	*shocked* I mean... Lars.
(Martha sits down next to Dante at the table.)
Dante	Now, Lars, we know school is a touchy subject, but we need to talk about this.
(Dante shows Lars (Steven) his grade report, and Lars (Steven) reads the grades on the report literally.)
Lars (Steven)	"F-F-F-F-F-F-B-D-F". ...That doesn't spell anything.
Martha	Please, Lars. *holds hands with Dante* We let you move into the attic, and your grades are still below average. All we're asking from you is...
Dante & Martha	A little effort!
Lars (Steven)	*gets emotional* Wow. You guys seem so nice. I'm sure I don't want to let either of you down. *grabs Martha and Dante's hands* I, Lars, promise to go out and do my very best at being your son.
(Martha and Dante sit in shock, as Lars (Steven) gets up and leaves.)
Dante	Wow! He didn't even swear.
Martha	And he's wearing the plugs I got him.
(Martha and Dante embrace each other.)
[Trans. Int. Beach City]
(Lars (Steven) strolls along the streets, talking to himself in delight.)
Lars (Steven)	I'm Lars. *chuckles* I'm Lars, I'm Lars, I'm LAAAAARRRS~!
(Lars (Steven) notices Onion standing behind him, seemingly creeped out.)
Lars (Steven)	Hey, Onion? Look, I'm Lars.
(Onion, still creeped out, gives Lars (Steven) a thumbs-up, and Lars (Steven) strolls away.)
Lars (Steven)	♫ I'm Lars for the day. ♫
(Lars (Steven) then sees Buck and Sour Cream leaning against the back of a building.)
Lars (Steven)	Hey, it's Buck and Sour Cream! *waves at the duo* Hi, guys!
(Buck and Sour Cream look at each other briefly, as Lars (Steven) approaches them.)
Lars (Steven)	Whatcha doing? Hanging out?
Buck	Yeah.
Lars (Steven)	That's cool. Would you say you hang out more like koalas or sloths? Uh, I'm asking for Steven.
Buck	I like that kid.
(Sour Cream nods his head in approval.)
Lars (Steven)	Yeah, he's the best. *chuckles to himself*
Buck	Tell Steven we're more like sleeping tigers.
Lars (Steven)	Okay. Then I'll be a panther. *growls*
(Buck and Sour Cream smile, when they see Jenny coming out from the back door of the building.)
Jenny	Oh. Hey, Lars. *looks away awkwardly*
Lars (Steven)	Hi, Jenny.
Jenny	Ugh. Dad made me work this morning. Now I stink like pizza and fish.
Lars (Steven)	You don't stink.
Jenny	Lars?! What a nice thing to say!
Lars (Steven)	I can say way nicer stuff. Like you're really cool and pretty and fun to be around.
Jenny	*laughs* Lars, this is so unlike you.
Buck	I see what's going on here.
Lars (Steven)	*flinches* Huh!?
Buck	This isn't the Lars we know. *approaches Lars (Steven)* Maybe Lars is actually... A good guy who likes making people feel good. *grins*
Lars (Steven)	Yep, you got me.
Buck	That's the kind of vibe I want on our dance crew.
Lars (Steven)	*gasps* Lars is going to be psyched!
Buck	Buck is pleased.
Jenny	Can he dance, though?
Lars (Steven)	Can I?!
(Lars (Steven) starts breaking out a few moves while humming to himself.)
Jenny	Whoa! Lars got moves!
Lars (Steven)	Whoo.
Buck	We going to a dance competition and we need you. Come with us!
Lars (Steven)	*gasps deeply, but then realizes something* Oh. Sorry. I can't. There's someone who needs me more.
[Trans. Ext. Miller Residence]
(Lars (Steven) heads towards Sadie's home, knocks on her front door and clicks the doorbell.)
Sadie	Okay, okay. *opens the door* Geez, hold your horses.
(Sadie walks out, wearing a bathrobe, and is shocked to see Lars (Steven) at her doorstep.)
Lars (Steven)	Still want to hang out?
Sadie	Well, if it ain't the human boomerang; always coming back to me. *glares at Lars, unimpressed*
(Lars (Steven) looks behind him, thinking Sadie is referring to someone else, and then looks back at Sadie with sad puppy eyes, realizing she means Lars.)
Sadie	Look, sorry. I was going to watch a movie if-if you wanna? I don't -- I don't know. *chuckles nervously* N-Nothing fancy.
Lars (Steven)	I don't need anything fancy.
Sadie	*chuckles* Just get in here. (Lars (Steven) enters her house.) Are those hearts in your ears? *closes the door*
[Trans. Int. Sadie's Bedroom]
(Sadies leads Lars (Steven) into her bedroom, turns off her bathrobe, revealing a gothic-like shirt, and drops it on her plush pile.)
Sadie	There's a bunch of stuff down there you probably haven't seen yet. *flops onto the plush pile* Take your pick.
Lars (Steven)	*examines Sadie's movie collection* "Night Terrors", "Enjoy the Violence", "Critter Crematorium", "The Organ Pickler... Part 7"!?
Sadie	I keep telling you, that's the good one.
Lars (Steven)	How about this? *holds out a movie box to Sadie* "Fangs of Love."
Sadie	*unamused* I think I'd rather have my organs pickled.
(Lars (Steven) and Sadie watch "Fangs of Love" together in the dark.)
Male Werewolf (TV)	And you love me? Even like this?
Female Werewolf (TV)	I dooooooooo!
(The movie ends as the female werewolf kisses the male werewolf, both howling together.)
Sadie	*laughs* Didn't I try to warn you?
Lars (Steven)	*crying* They just wanted... to be together. *sobs*
Sadie	Hey? *grabs a tissue box* What is with you tonight, huh?
Lars (Steven)	*sniffles and takes a tissue* What do you mean? *blows his nose and continues sniffling*
Sadie	Look, It's like yesterday I asked if you wanted to come over, but you made a big deal, saying "no" in front of Steven. And now, you're here...? It's just, it's getting to be kind of a roller coaster, isn't it?
Lars (Steven)	*suddenly becomes ecstatic* Roller coasters are fun!
Sadie	*sighs* It's like you're one way in private and a different way in public. You act like I don't know you don't want to be seen with me, but I do know. I'm not stupid.
Lars (Steven)	Don't be sad.
(Lars (Steven) puts his hand on Sadie's shoulder, but she quickly pulls her away.)
Sadie	It's just, I need to know. How do you really feel about me?
(Lars (Steven) thinks for a bit and grins widely, spotting the perfect moment.)
Lars (Steven)	Isn't it obvious?
(Sadie looks back at Lars (Steven), creeped out by his remark.)
Lars (Steven)	I love you!
Sadie	Ugh! *quickly jumps off her bed* What are you doing?!
Lars (Steven)	Finally telling you.
Sadie	*gets angry* NGH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! All right, I get it. I see how it is. Some cute little heart gauges, some dumb, fluffy movie, "That's enough for Sadie!" Right, Lars? *glares at Lars*
Lars (Steven)	*starts panicking* Uh, d- I-I-I just wanted to fix everything.
Sadie	Get. Out.
[Trans. Ext. Miller Residence]
(Sadie shoves Lars (Steven) out of her house.)
Lars (Steven)	Stop, you're hurting me!
Sadie	Good! *shuts the door*
Lars (Steven)	You don't understand!
Sadie	I understand enough! You're only my friend when it's convenient for you. *bangs on her door in anger* Just get out of my life!
Lars (Steven)	*inhales deeply in regrets* I'M NOT LARS!!
Sadie	What!?
Lars (Steven)	I'm....Steven. I just woke up this morning with my mind in Lars' body. *leans against Sadie's door* Ugh! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings like this. I'm sorry.
(Sadie opens the door calmly.)
Sadie	Okay, maybe you are Steven. Lars would never apologize to me. Wait!... So does this mean Lars' mind is inside your body?
Lars (Steven)	I don't know.
Sadie	You don't know!?
Lars (Steven)	*sheepishly* Maybe we should check?
Sadie	Ya think?!
[Trans. Int. Beach City]
(The Cool Kids are seen strolling down a street, with Sour Cream holding a silver trophy.)
Jenny	At least we got second place.
(The Cool Kids then spot Lars (Steven) and Sadie running past them.)
Jenny	Hey, look, it's Lars and Doughnut Girl.
(Further down the street at the boardwalk, Martha and Dante are seen holding hands and eating ice creams.)
Martha	It seems like Lars is really turning a corner.
Dante	Oh, speak of the Devil.
(Martha and Dante also spot Lars (Steven) and Sadie running past.)
Dante	Where's he going? Who's that girl?
Martha	Let's follow him and find out.
Dante	Oh, Martha!
(Martha and Dante, followed by the Cool Kids, begin chasing after Lars (Steven) and Sadie.)
[Trans. Ext. Beach House]
(Lars (Steven) and Sadie make their way up to the door of Steven's house. Lars (Steven) then tries to open the door with no luck.)
Lars (Steven)	It's locked!
(Lars (Steven) tries to open the door by ramming into it, but fails and falls backwards. Sadie kicks at the door, breaking it open, and the duo enters the house. Lars' parents and the Cool Kids watch on from the beach in horror and confusion.)
Jenny	Why are they breaking into Steven's house?
Martha	Our Lars; A burglar.
Dante	*embraces Martha* Now, now, you know we've been ready for this day.
[Trans. Int. Beach House]
(Lars (Steven) and Sadie run up to Steven, still asleep in his bed.)
Sadie	There you are! How do you switch back?
(Lars' parents and the Cool Kids then enter Steven's house through the broken door.)
Buck	This looks weird, but don't jump to conclusions.
(The group gasps in horror, as they witness Lars (Steven) shaking and slapping Steven, in an attempt to wake him up.)
Lars (Steven)	Come on, wake up!
(Lars (Steven) eventually slap Steven hard enough, and Steven's mind immediately jumps back into his body. Steven slowly wakes up and sees a disoriented and drooling Lars on top of him, causing him to scream in shock. Lars grunts as his eyes roll backwards and collapses off the edge of the bedroom, but Sadie manages to catch him but he does. Dante then runs up the steps first, followed by the others.)
Dante	What's going on!?
Lars	Mmm... *slowly gets up* Huh? Sadie? *notices everyone and gasps in shock* How did I get here? What are you all doing here!? *gets up in panic*
Sadie	Lars, don't get mad.
Lars	*turns to Sadie* Huh?!
Sadie	But Steven really didn't mean to-
Lars	*turns to Steven with fury* You! What did you do?!
(The Cool Kids rush in front of Lars in defense of Steven.)
Steven	*nervously* I... spent the day... with my mind... in your body.
(Lars' eyes widen and he gasps and screams loudly in shock and disgust.)
Jenny	Whoa. Where's your chill?
Buck	Buck is no longer pleased.
Martha	*to Steven* I'm so sorry. He wasn't like this this morning.
Lars	I was acting weird all day and you all just LIKED IT?!?!
Dante	Please don't make a scene, Laramie.
(Lars takes a deep breath, seemingly trying to calm down, but then screams loudly at the top of his lungs.)
[Trans. Int. The Big Donut]
(Steven peeks through the front window, concerned, and then enters the shop.)
Steven	Hey, Lars?
(Lars is laying face-down on the counter with his arms over the edge, motionless.)
Steven	Um... I'm really, really sorry about yesterday. I got you a card, it's got a koala and a sloth.
(Steven holds out a card reading "Hang In There!". Lars takes the card and tears it in half without even looking up.)
Steven	*saddened* I hope I didn't ruin your friendship with Sadie.
Lars	With Sadie!? *gets up in shock* Ohh... What did you say to her?
Steven	I said you loved her.
(Lars falls over and quickly pokes his head above the counter.)
Lars	A-And what did she say?
Steven	She thought you'd only say something like that to hurt her.
Lars	Yeah... I guess she's right. Maybe that's why everyone liked the you me better than the real me.
Steven	Not everyone.
(The doorbell then rings, and Sadie enters.)
Sadie	Uh, hey.
Lars	Hey!
(Lars runs up to Sadie, and the two look away awkwardly for a brief moment.)
Sadie	Weird day yesterday, huh? *chuckle slightly*
Lars	Ugh. Everyday in Beach City is weird. That's why I hate it here.
Sadie	*smiles* It's good to see the real you.
Lars	Yeah? U-Uh you should come over later, you know, bring a movie to watch or something.
Sadie	Ha, okay!
Lars	Awesome.
(Steven smiles as the two remain as friends. The star iris then closes on Steven, ending the episode.)
[Episode ends]