The Test/Transcript

This is a transcribed copy of The Test. Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.

Previous: "Alone Together"

Next: "Future Vision"

[Open Int. Beach House]

(Water drips from the ceiling into a pot, the Crystal Gems are playing Citchen Calamity)

Steven: Ooh hoo! You've got freezer burn, Pearl! Looks like you lose all your fish sticks.

Pearl: What?!? I needed those for my bachelor meal combo. Now I can't ring the dinner bell. *reads very long list of rules* These rules make no sense.

Steven: The game of "Citchen Calamity" may be played for fun, but the hunger is real!

Amethyst: *starts laughing* Tough break, Pearl. *picks up card and reads* The sponge in your sink is covered in mold. But I can still eat it right?

Steven: No, no, that means that you lose two turns.

Amethyst: That's baloney!

Pearl: *still reading, looks up* What? You have a baloney card?

Steven: Garnet, your move.

Garnet: *picks up card and reads it* I'm now the owner of the "Golden Can Opener". Yes.

Steven: Now you can check your soups for the alphabet bonus.

Pearl: Who wrote this game?

Steven: My turn! *mumbles words and gasps* I've gotta roll the dice to escape the eggquake! *presses fake blender that rolls dice* C'mon Papa needs a new skillet. *dice come out and both have eggs on top* Yeah, double sunnies! I did it! *moves piece* I win! Yeah! This Citchen Calamity has been cleaned up! Woohoo! *laughs*

Amethyst: I don't get it, but nice job. *starts clapping*

Pearl: Yes, well done. *claps* That was very, very complicated.

Garnet: Well played. *pets Steven's hair*

Steven: *laughs* So, what do you want to play next? *goes to closet*

Pearl: There are more?

Steven: Oh sure. I got Polly Polly, Toppler, Conquerors of Eldermore, Not That Sorry, Don't Wake Father Figure, and Non-Invasive Operation. I think that one's missing a couple organs. I also have Checkers, if you want to take turns. *Moon Goddess Statue falls out of closet* The Sea Spire statue.

Amethyst: Pfft, oh, so that's where you left it.

Steven: I... forgot I still had this. *picks it up and sighs* I... I'm really sorry I forgot it on our mission that time.

Pearl: Oh, Steven.

Steven: If I had just remembered to pack it, then maybe the Sea Spire would still be around. But now it's gone forever, 'cause of me.

Amethyst: Well yeah, but... don't worry about it, guy.

Garnet: You did your best on that mission, and that's what counts.

Steven: But the Sea Spire. It was a special, important, Gem... place.

Pearl: *bends down to Steven* Oh, Steven, no, no, no. If the Spire had been crucial, we wouldn't have used it as a test for you. It's fine, really.

Steven: *confused* A test? What do you mean, "test"?

(Garnet and Amethyst glance at each other and Pearl gets worried.)

Pearl: Uhhhhhhhhh, well it wasn't really a "test", per se. Not in the traditional sense. We just wanted to see if you were ready to go on missions.

Steven: That's exactly what a test is!

Pearl: Uhhhhh.

Garnet: Steven, it wasn't something we planned behind your back. We just saw an opportunity and...

Steven: *gasps* And I failed it. I failed the test.

Amethyst: No way, you got at least a 50%.

Pearl: Oh, and you had that raft so we didn't have to swim home! That's a solid 75, not failing at all! Besides, that Spire was in much worse shape than we thought. It should have been even easier.

Steven: I failed an easy test?!

Amethyst: [Looks at Pearl in a half-mad way] Nice one.

*Garnet stands up*

Garnet: Hmmm!

Pearl: That's not what I meant! I—

Steven: No. I need another test! A hard one! *gets excited*

Pearl: But Steven. You've come so far.

Steven: Let me prove it. Test me! Test me!

Garnet: Hmmm.

[Trans. Int. Warp Room]

Pearl: Alright, Steven. We've adjusted the metaphysical properties of the temple to create a customized dungeon for you. *projects hologram* Now, just beyond here are three chambers designed by each of us to simulate the challenges of a mission. Should you succeed, you will unlock the final door, where we will be waiting for you. *stops hologram*

Steven: Alright! That's more like it!

Garnet: Steven, this won't be easy. Be careful in there.

Steven: Right. I won't let you down this time.

Pearl: That's the spirit!

Amethyst: Yeaaah! Get amped, Steven!

Steven: I'm ready.

(The Gems open the Temple Gate and Steven walks into the dark hallway.)

Amethyst: Good luck! You're gonna need ittttt!

[Trans Int. Amethyst's Chamber]

(Torches appear along the walls and show a long, stone ramp.)

Steven: Room-ero uno. I wonder if Amethyst made this one. *looks up and sees large, stone Amethyst* Definitely Amethyst.

(Large ball comes out of stone Amethyst's mouth and starts to come after Steven, who starts running. Steven starts screaming and sees a door behind a gaping pit.)

Steven: The door! 

(Steven grabs the vine and swings over to the ledge in front of the door. The door starts to foam out, and then turns into star-shaped balloons.)

Steven: Yeah! *laughs*

[Trans. Int. Pearl's Chamber]

Steven: *bars close behind him and he sees a high-up door* How do I get up there?

(A musical pattern plays on the floor and certain tiles glow on each note.)

Steven: Hmmm. Oh! A music puzzle. Must be Pearl's room. Only she would make me think. Okay, let's see. Ummm. *steps on tile* Bing. *jumps to another* Bing. *jumps to the last two* Bing, bing. Did that do it? *stairs appear in front of him and he laughs* Easy! *blade swings behind him* Not easy! Aaaaah! *avoids blades and runs to top of stairs* Woo hoo! *star balloons appear* That was close. That was... *panting* ...really close.

[Trans. Int. Garnet's Chamber]

Steven: Alright, let's see what we've got.

(There is a narrow bridge connecting the two doors, and underneath is a pool of lava. Fire shoots up from one crack in the bridge.)

Steven: Looks like Garnet turned up the heat. *laughs* Nice one, Steven. 

(Steven starts to walk and then fire shoots through a crack. He jumps over and waits until the next one goes down. He starts to walk confidently towards the door but spikes fall from the ceiling above. He starts screaming, but the spikes stop just over his head and start to go back up. To test, he walks away and the spikes hit the ground. When he puts his arm under, it stops over him.)

Steven: What?

(The fire shoots up but it goes around Steven.)

Steven: Oh no. It can't be true! 

[Trans. Int. Pearl's Chamber]

Steven: *sees that the blades go through him* Whaat! *starts randomly tapping tiles and stairs go up* It didn't even matter?!?

[Trans. Int. Amethyst's Chamber]

Steven: *starts walking over pit* This too! *ball rolls down and stops right before Steven* Everything's rigggeddd! Aaaaah! *walks up trail, pushing the ball back into Amethyst's mouth.

[Trans. Ext. Dungeons]

(Steven sees he is above all the dungeons, on a big rectangular prism. He sees all the fake traps as he walks around.)

Steven: I... can't believe it. Ugggh. "It won't be easy. Good luck, you're gonna need it." How am I supposed to prove myself if you guys keep— *sees them at the end*

Amethyst: What's taking him so long?

Pearl: I didn't think mine was very difficult. Do you think he hurt himself?

Garnet: There's no way. It's impossible for him to fail.

Amethyst: Ugggh. So what's the point?

Pearl: The point is that he's come so far. He can make Rose's bubble! And he's pulled out Rose's shield twice. But he's lost his healing powers. We have to give him another "success". He can't lose his confidence like that again.

Amethyst: *silence* We're bad at this.

Pearl: What?!

Amethyst: Yeah. You can't control him, and he shouldn't be taking advice from me, and we don't have Rose to tell us what to do!

Pearl: But he needs us to show him how to be a Gem!

Garnet: Steven is not just a Gem. There's never been anything or anyone like Steven. We don't know what he needs.

(Steven goes back in the dungeon. He confidently walks back through the dungeon and opens the doors, where the Gems are waiting. Steven sees the Gems clapping.)

Garnet: Congratulations.

Pearl: Congratulations, Steven!

Amethyst: Yeaaah, congrats little man! Woop, woop, woop! *Steven walks up and they stop chanting* Woop.

Pearl: Thank goodness you made it! How did it... go?

Steven: *seemingly angry* I can't believe you guys. That was so... *happily* ...insane! *Gems look at each other* Where do I even begin? Man, you should have seen me. That boulder was coming at me and I just jumped for it. And then the tiles were going like "Bing, bong, bing." and I was like "I see what's going on here." And I thought there's no way I could have been ready for all that fire and lava and spikes but I did it! I really... did it. I... You guys are the best. Thank you so much for doing this for me. This was just what I needed.

Pearl: Oh, Steven.

Amethyst: Aw, shucks, guy.

Garnet: Mmmm.

Pearl: I'm so proud of you. *hugs Steven*

Amethyst: Yeah, you da man! *hugs Steven*

Garnet: *hugs Steven* I knew you could do it.

[Episode Ends with Stars]